when someone mentions Pearl Discourse i always think about how the MSPA forums have had a series of Vriska Quarantine Threads for literal years now because otherwise every discussion eventually turned into a giant Vriska argument
case in point:
these threads last 100 pages, or up to 2500 posts each before a new one is made. so it could be much worse
the mere fact this vriska argument went on for 42,500 posts and still going is a good estimate of human nature
people think just having your physical dick out is enough, you need to have your mental dick out too. and your spiritual dick? absolutely needs to be out. otherwise you’re just holding yourself back
Aside from them having food names, Chowder and Tater are like adorable rays of sunshine who will fuck you up on the rink. Both of them really like Jack. More importantly, both are a long way from home.
Of course, Bitty would mother the fuck out of Tater. What the hell kind of question was that? He and Jack are the least subtle boyfriends ever in the history of secret relationships.
So say Jack talks about how Tater seems a bit down and maybe he’s feeling homesick? Bitty doesn’t even think twice about it. Because that sweet Russian ray of sunshine. He researches Russian dishes that could survive the trip to Providence and he sends Jack a care package for Tater (along with things for Jack himself).
This large, friendly, Russian hockey player would literally never shut-up about whoever he was dating. Pictures everywhere. Endless anecdotes. Constant smiling.
“You have good weekend? Girlfriend and I go to movie. I buy her biggest popcorn, extra butter.”
“Girlfriend be jelly and I be peanut butter for Halloween. Like sandwich!! So funny, her idea. She make me laugh.”
“Jack have girl who is great cook. Don’t tell girlfriend, she get jealous.”
Oooooooh and now I’m having thoughts about Tater with a hispanic girlfriend, trying his damndest to learn Spanish.
Tater on the plane to a game, jammed into a seat with giant headphones, loudly reciting Spanish phrases.
lisTEN Tater and Bitty have like, not a single impulse control between the two. Oftentimes people get fooled by Bitty’s politeness, need for a clean kitchen, and preference for people not to spit on the ground (LOOKING AT YOU, NURSEY, YOU GROSS COLLEGE BOY) and think, this is a reasonable and level headed young man! they are wrong.
Tater: B! What if I get huge soda bottles, big ones, and shake them.
Bitty: D: that makes it go flat though, do you not like the fizz?
Tater: *shakes his head* No, no. I strap them onto me and shake them and then BOOM! I fly.
Bitty: Hmm, I don’t think so…
Tater: :((((((
Bitty: You’re too gosh darn heavy! Strap it on me!
Tater: :DDDDDDDD
Tater: B! B! Guess what!
Bitty: I don’t know, why don’t you tell me?
Tater: *shows a picture* new motorcycle! I see it, I like it, now it’s mine!
Bitty: *fans himself really hard because he LOVES those bikes* oh dear
Tater: You one of my best friend. First person I ask to ride with me.
Bitty: Mister Tater! I am delighted and honored!
And then they proceed to ride the motorcycle WITHOUT A HELMET until they get pulled over by a cop, and tater’s telling the story to the team later and jack hyperventilates because HIS BOYFRIEND WAS ON A MOTORCYCLE WITHOUT A HELMET.
One day jack walks into the kitchen to find Tater with tears streaming down his very red face as Bitty feeds him pieces of what looks like mini pie and asking “how about this? is this spicy enough?”
“I’m feel dying and my soul return to heaven. Not enough. Do more.”
Tater: What I’m be for Halloween? Has to be sexy.
Bitty: Haha what about a stripper
They look at each other and an electrical moment passes between them
Tater: I’m go shave my legs now!!!
Bitty: Yes you do that and I’m going online right NOW to find the perfect costume!!!
Tater: WHY THIS RAZOR SO SHARP??
Bitty: here let me shave you!
And then when Tater’s practicing his routine, he routinely asks Bitty whether it’s sexy enough. He’s not doing it very close to Bitty (bc Bitty’s personal space expands when there’s stripping involved by ppl other than jack)
Tater: Weird to ask Jack, you know. He my teammate.
Bitty: I completely understand, and oh dear this is making me blush! *giggles*
Tater: *performs another body roll*
Bitty: *giggles*
That one time Bitty went to the hospital because Tater thought it would be a funny prank to empty out a windex bottle and pour blue gatorade in it so Bitty can shock everyone, but someone accidentally switched the bottle so Bitty drank a mouthful of actual windex.
I feel like Tater’s like the one person who finally convinced Bitty to try weed? Like in the sense that Tater’s never tried it because the fear of his parents is strong, and Bitty’s only had contact high before and never bothered with actually trying it himself. And Tater is curious bc it seems like a lot of the college athletes are high and he wants to try! And Bitty because oh well, if you want to try it I’ll do it too!
They chose a time during the off season, so that Tater won’t get in trouble. And Bitty makes the most delicious weed brownies in existence. And then Tater promptly forgets that they’re weed brownies and eat wayyyy too much and Bitty’s too high to deal with him and Jack comes home to two grown men giggling over his couch. (Tater’s okay, bitty made sure not to bake too much.)
That one time Tater wrenched his shoulder dabbing with Bitty on the ice.
When Bitty was super drunk and Tater handed him a banana and Bitty deepthroated it in front of everyone and then promptly choked and almost died.
That time they were lighting fireworks with their bare hands and didn’t get injured at ALL.
Georgia had to give a little talk to Jack about how tater and bitty should never be left alone, and maybe Jack can thirdwheel some of their hangouts a little bit more?
Jack: I’m the one dating Bitty, you know.
Georgia: He’s an amazing person, but I also need his friendship with Tater to change into something less life threatening.
every potterstuck au neglects the idea of alpha rose sending dirk and hal to hogwarts and the following bullshit that only two rowdy boys from texas could pull
‘Why do I need to take defense against the dark arts?
I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn’t factor into the solution at least in some way.”
hal enchants a mcdonalds cup to keep his sweet tea cold and all of the other students are horrified
hal: YAINT all of the other students, crying:
“What do you MEAN it takes dark magic to splinter my soul? I did it like. twice before breakfast yesterday. Is that not supposed to happen?”
“hi, i’m dirk, and this is my horcrux, hal. uh… what are y’all making that face for?”
Okay, so we’re often led to believe that spiders = the Dark Lords, especially in LOTR, where its like “lol yea spiders just hang around Mordor” and in lore for the Hobbit, too, where its like “lol Necromancer’s land is riddled with em”
but… does he even fuckin’ like the spiders???
We never see him use them. They’re just AROUND. In the shadows. Trailing him, picking on his Orcs as much as anyone else. I mean, he seems to like Shelob? But that doesn’t necessarily mean he likes all the others… Or is this just like… Him being all “fuck it I’m tired of existence, I’ll align myself to the spiders, too… cause you knnow what they threw my master in the Void and drowned me”
I’ve always assumed that since Ungoliant isn’t a creation of Melkor, her brood aren’t even really allies of the Dark Forces. I’ve always seen them as their own faction.
… Spiders keep wanting to be friends with the Dark Forces, and the Dark Forces keep going “EEEW why do you have so many LEGS,” and getting a broom.
Back in the day I think Mr. Melkor-Arachnophobe-Bauglir swore off spiders but realized that little could be done about them and he certainly wasn’t going to try. It’s an interesting implication that the spiders in Middle-Earth are Ungoliant’s spawn- all spiders? were there regular tiny spiders or is every single spider a descendant of Ungoliant that just kept shrinking through time (as is a pattern in ME, sort of everything settling from the Ainulindale aka Big Bang and the universe going from high energy to low energy) until we get modern day lil spiders that are mostly harmless but still hold a tiny bit of TIMELESS VOID ETERNAL DARKNESS in them lmao
Mairon, while more ambitious on that front than Melkor, having not had a near-death experience with one fifty times bigger than your body, still didn’t want to oppose them. It seemed he bartered with Shelob, who canonically was living in Mordor long before Mairon settled there. He managed to strike a deal and keep her happy, and good thing because he wasn’t really in any position to tell her no. How’s about, you do your thing and I do my thing, and if it suits you maybe eat any intruders? Try not to eat my orcs? No? You’ll eat what you want? O-ok, s-sure, that sounds good. Great talk.
While it’s not a coincidence evil spiders and dark lords are found in close proximity, do not mistake correlation for causation! The spiders like the darkness the dark lords made, and occasionally just by doing what they do, prove an asset to Sauron. But no alliances were formed. It’s an uneasy coexistence.
I find it funny that even the dark sides of fantasy don’t like spiders
I think this is how the the sides of Lotr are
The “good” side :Dwarves, Elves, Man, Ents, and Hobbits (and valar)
The “bad” side :Orcs, Morgoth, Sauron, Balrogs, Vampires, Goblins, Ogres, Trolls, Werewolves, monstrous etc. creatures no longer around
The Spider side :Ungoliant, Shelob, all spiders (eat everyone and everything)
just moving along like everyone else 