obvs there is something great about when a Big Scary turns into a Big Softie where Tiny Useless is concerned, but what i like better is:
Tiny Useless decides, with no prompting and for no apparent reason whatsoever, that Big Scary needs protecting. and if no one else will do it then this accidentally-gets-stepped-on, blows-away-in-a-stiff-breeze motherfucker is going to have to be the one to protect this living mountain of pain. you wanna get to this troll, you’re gonna have to go through this pixie. you try to come for this tibetan mastiff, this chihuahua’s gonna try to kick your ass first.
and the Big Scary is mostly just?? really confused???? there are at least twenty different reasons why this is fucking dumb. but also this feeble lil shit is the first person in the entire world to try and stand up for this person that absolutely does not need it. Big Scary continues to be huge and terrifying but now Tiny Useless has their undying loyalty and it will probably not end well for anyone.
i like seeing all of the ships this has been tagged with, but, i am going to be completely honest with you guys, when i wrote this i was thinking about little girls like my sister, who at the age of five had a strict ‘talk shit get hit’ policy about the incredible hulk
As soon as you turn the lights off start masturbating. No monster wants to see that shit. While doing it, stare at the corner and whisper, tenderly, “this is for you”.
And then the shadows growl at you and say, “Mine. You’re all mine.”
Proceed to have a secret relationship with the monster in your closet to make the shadows jealous.
Plot Twist: The Monster wants a threesome with you and the shadows.
Fun statistical fact: Cows are about 300 times more likely to kill you than coyotes.
Minor sidenote to statistical fact: If it was common for people to keep several hundred coyotes on their property and routinely chase them into a corral and handle them, this statistic would be different.
this is a great summary of ‘conditional probability’, a statistical property many people grapple with
Observation: I have never broken a bone Hypothesis: I am boneless Data: I appear to have broken at least two bones in my foot slipping on the ice Conclusion: I have at least two bones. Strong evidence suggests the possibility of a third one.
I’m an astrophysicist.
SOMEbody has a broken funny bone.
layperson: there’s a brown cow in that field
scientist: there’s at least one brown cow in that field
mathematician: there’s at least one cow in that field, at least one side of which is brown
Freshman philosopher in “God is: no there isn’t
Socrates: but how do you know it is brown? What is the true nature of brown?
Plato: It is the fundamental nature of fields to contain brown cows.
Aristotle: There is a brown cow in that field. It has more teeth than the black cow.
Pythagoras: The cow doesn’t matter. That is a field of beans and we need to get out of here right now.
Thales: Did you know that cows are 100% water?
Zeno (of Elea (no Citium doesn’t get a place on this list)): To have a cow you must first have half a cow.
Anselm (refusing to look at the field): There is no need to observe the field. The best possible field contains a black horse. Furthermore, the best possible field would be improved by existing, and by being right next to me. Therefore that field over there contains a black horse.
Descartes: there’s a brown cow in that field. I know this because God would never be so cruel as to hide a cow from my sight, or to make a cow appear brown when it is only half so.
Leibniz: I will use that cow to handle I/O and state in a pure manner.
Hobbes: The cow is not attempting to jump the fence, and therefore it consents to being in the field.
Voltaire: That is not the best possible cow.
Hume: no there isn’t
Wittgenstein:
Older Wittgenstein, stepping out of a time machine: This is actually just a problem of language.
Russell: I’m gonna fuck that cow’s wife. It’s okay: I’ve devoted my life to the pursuit of love.
Rousseau: That cow would be better if it was getting torn apart by wolves
Hegel: The World-Spirit is in a state of Becoming/Not-Becoming the State of having been, being, and will always having been a Bovine. The Notion of the cow is a duality of Forces existing/not-existing to Conceive a sense-colour. *wanders off to suck Bismarck’s dick*
Marx: *suplexes Hegel* THAT COW IS ALIENATED FROM ITS NATURAL MILK-MAKING STATE
Heidegger: That cow is dying.
Derrida: *inscrutable scribbles*
Foucault: The “fence” is a social construct, created by the millennia old power structure designed to oppress cows and use them for meat and milk. Is it not just as true that *we* are fenced in by the *cow*?
Sartre: I am also going to fuck that cow’s wife, but only after Simone reels her in for me.
Simone de Beauvoir: What is cow? It is defined by its difference from Man.
Camus: I’m going to fuck that cow, its wife, its parents, the milkmaid, the farmhand, the landowner, his wife, and every other philosopher here. And every single one of them is going to love it. Might kill someone afterwards.
Eliezer: there’s a brown cow in that field, p=0.999
Hanson: This post isn’t about cows or philosophy. It’s about signaling.
Bostrom: The cow is nothing compared to the future of humanity.
Ray Arnold: Someday, cow, you will reach the stars. Here, let me sing you the song of my people.
Kurzweil: in ten seconds, it will become cybercow.
Tegmark: I’m very tall, so I can see that behind that cow is every possible variation of that cow. At least one of them is brown.
Scott: there’s a brown cow in that field, p=0.99. I’m not sure why everyone yells at me when I say that.
Singer: We should save the cow and kill its calves.
MacAskill: there’s a brown cow in that field, and I will save it.
Ord: *saves cow*. Everyone is too busy staring at MacAskill’s dreamy face to notice.
CFAR: pay us $1000 and we’ll teach you how to see the brown cow
Leverage: pay us $10000 and we’ll teach you how to see the black horse
MIRI: That cow is dangerous!
OpenAI: That cow is dangerous, so we’re going to give one just like it to everyone!
@ambivalencerelations: *ignores cow, stares at fence post. There’s some dung at the base*
@cptsdcarlosdevil: I’m gonna pretend that cow is Daveed Diggs, then I’m gonna fuck it.
@sinesalvatorem: I would fuck that cow, but I don’t have enough sharpies.
@theunitofcaring: there’s a brown cow in that field, and we will save it.
@dataandphilosophy: Bryan Caplan told me there’s a cow in that field.
@slatestarscratchpad: there’s a brown cow in that field, p=0.999
@nostalgebraist: there’s a brown cow in that field, but it would be ridiculous to put a number on it. It’s not dangerous either.
@funerealdisease: that cow would look great in this hat.
@gruntledandhinged: there’s an adorable brown cow in that field
@loriphos: The field would be better with a brown dinosaur
@evolution-is-just-a-theorem: What, you think I can’t go more meta? This isn’t even my final form.
i would like to be friends please
You seem like a wise man. Could you explain what it is to be friends?
reckon i’m wise enough to know i can’t explain it 😀
This reminds me a great deal of the time when some people on a religious discussion forum were first exposed to the observation that it is unclear whether the farmer or the dog is named Bingo. Conclusion: After a couple hundred years of violence and bloodshed, we’ve all agreed that Bingo is both fully farmer and fully dog. But what about the part where letters get gradually replaced with clapping?
Catholics believe that the letters are still there when you’re clapping.
Lutherans believe that the letters are still there in spirit when you’re clapping.
Eastern Orthodox still sing all the letters.
etcetera
I literally can’t get myself to sit through movies that don’t have women. I’m like where the fuck are the women? Why are there so many men? This is boring as fuck goodbye
just moving along like everyone else 