do you ever just wonder how far ahead you’d be in life if you didnt have a mental illness or if your family wasn’t dysfunctional or if that one tragic thing never happened and it just fucks you up??
being in a fandom for more than a few years is kind of a surreal experience, honestly. you see fanart that you’ve sent in texts years ago, you see posts that you qualify now as ‘classics’ because of how old they are, you see people getting excited over new information that, honestly, you’ve known for a long while… you see one of those same-old same-old arguments bubbling up between people in the fandom and you just think to yourself “oh not again”, and then you lean back in your rocking chair, watching from the sidelines like your joints ache too much from all the battles of your past. a fuckin fandom grandparent. someone get me some applesauce
We’ve all had that otp where one person falls in love way before the other. It starts with a lingering glance or two, then excessive worrying, maybe a little jealousy. You watch them get deeper and deeper while the other person has no idea and the whole time you’re just sitting there like you poor asshole
idk, maybe the worst part is when they do, you don’t know how to answer, because you’ve trained yourself to be okay no matter what. it’s like seeing the door to freedom open for one moment, but while you’re remembering how to walk, it closes again, and you’re stuck berating yourself for not making a break for it while you had the chance.
i think the worst part might be that after a while you forget what you’re being strong for and how bad it is, so you think you’re doing okay but really you’ve just forgotten or gotten used to how bad it is, and now you don’t even know your own feelings and experiences
the quicker u come to terms with the fact that people change/grow and are complex and contradictory the less ur likely to set them to binaries ++save urself the false sense of deceit when they dont comply to ur preconceived notions of them. cool cheers