melinda-t-charville:

thelibrarina:

teashoesandhair:

kingkilling-and-stormlight:

hecubas:

fandoms–ruinedmylife:

bophtelophti:

ciceronian:

thoodleoo:

what if every ancient text was translated in the style of dr. seuss

for example:

“I will not fight the Trojans!” Achilles then said.

“I will not fight them now or when you all are dead!

I won’t fight them at Troy. I won’t fight them at Greece.

I won’t fight them at war. I won’t fight them in peace.

I will not fight them while Agamemnon is king.

Do not try to bribe me- I won’t take your things.

I will not fight the Trojans, not here and not there.

I will not fight the Trojans- not anywhere.”

“You’re abusing our patience!” old Cicero said,

“And if there’s sense in the Senate they’ll soon have you dead!

Are you not alarmed by the people’s alarm?

Don’t you know that your plans will be doing us harm?

What is it you’re doing that I do not know?

Oh the times! Oh the morals! You really must go!

Since wise men must do what is best for the state,

we, the consuls, should kill you before it’s too late.”

Let me sing about arms, let me sing of the man,

Let me sing of Aeneas’s Rome-founding plan!

How he sailed off to Italy, fleeing from Troy,

Escaping the Greeks with his dad and his boy:

He was driven by fate, he was punished by Juno,

He suffered in war—and that’s just the part you know.

@hecubas

Oh my God I love this

@teashoesandhair please

The queen was quite lovely, but still it was true

her son was a minotaur, half bull through and through,

and when her old husband, king Minos, found out,

he cried out aloud, “what the fuck’s this about?

I do not like this half-bull child!

I do not find him meek and mild!

He keeps on eating all my staff!

I think he does it for a laugh!”

The queen was upset by her son’s attitude,

for eating the servants was really quite rude,

and although she still thought that she’d be a good mother,

there still was a risk that he’d eat his own brother.

“I do not like this minotaur!

I’ve never heard of one before!

I do not want him any more!

Let’s build a maze beneath the floor!”

As Minos had asked for, a labyrinth was built

and the minotaur lived there, not stricken with guilt

for the people he ate were now sacrificed there,

and he dined on their flesh without any despair.

I offer my dick for your mouth and your ass
And I do not care if you think that is crass.
You tease and you mock me for being a bard,
But you get weirded out when my words get you hard.
Or you would, I suppose–but you both have limp dicks
That even my thousand deep kisses can’t fix.
But do not despair! I’m the picture of class–
I’ll offer my dick for your mouth and your ass.

That is probably the best translation of Catullus 16 I’ve ever read