Nah. You’re missing a whole piece of the trans experience, my friend.
There’s something called “gender euphoria” – it’s the exact opposite of gender dysphoria, and it can be a motivator for being trans! It’s not that you’re uncomfortable being cis. It’s that you’re more comfortable being trans. No discomfort involved – just greener grass on the other side of the fence.
For dysphoric folks I think that can get very hard to conceptualize, but…being trans isn’t a death sentence? Even if you are dysphoric, chances are you have experienced gender euphoria before – it’s the feeling when you see yourself wearing a binder for the first time, or when you wear a skirt for the first time, or the first time someone gets tongue-tied about whether to call you “sir” or “miss”.
It’s the first time you think “oh. So this is what it’s supposed to be like.” And you just can’t stop smiling for the rest of the day. It’s the feeling that anons are talking about when they submit good vibes.
The primary trans narrative is driven by gender dysphoria, which means they’re seeking something that feels less wrong. But gender euphoria – which is present in all of us, but is stronger and sometimes even dominant for some – is seeking something that feels more right. And both of those narratives are valid and deserving of support, and neither one of them cancels the other experience out.
This is actually a form of institutional violence that trans people, largely trans women, face.
To copy-paste from a previous post I made on this matter:
Growing up, I had a few trans lady friends who were hyped about being openly/visibly butch and/or gnc trans women when they began transitioning.
Three of the bunch committed suicide after basically being blacklisted out of access to medical transition. Others were wealthy enough to be able to move to where they could have a second or third shot. A femme trans lady friend forgot to apply nail polish and makeup to one of her sessions with her doctor, and that led to him keeping her from medical resources for the next two years of care, and she, as well, ended up killing herself. I could keep listing story after story with similar narratives and endings, it’s really pretty common.
Gatekeeping, whether it’s within a medical context, or a social one, relies on heavily policing trans women to prescribe to normative gender expressions dialed up to 11. We don’t, and we tend to suffer. And I don’t think it’s at all fair to cast blame on trans women who follow those norms, not when our survival is paramount and we’re coerced into those conditions via potentially fatal consequences.
Like, I’m a sloppy/lazy femme in terms of my expression, often shifting towards the hoodie and jeans aesthetic because it’s just comfy, but every doctor’s appointment, every tribunal over my transition, best believe I was probably among the most stereotypically feminine presenting ladies those docs saw that day. Not a chance I’d risk it. Every job interview, every meeting when I was looking for housing, same deal. Survival wins over the microscopic impact I might have on the reproduction of gender norms in those instances, especially when my continued survival means I can live to fight those (and other) battles in other ways less tied to my survival.
So, to be blunt and concise, it’s not trans folks upholding harmful notions of gender. It’s cis folks…cis men and cis women, weaponizing society against us to uphold gender norms through us because we’re deemed as threats and as less legitimate, so our standards are often exponentially higher than our cis counterparts.
Like, I live in liberal Canada, and this gatekeeping shit still happens. I have sat down and taught so many trans people how to strategize and what language to use, what narratives will provide the path of least resistance, so that we can get what we need in the aggressively oppressive system we live in.
Like, as a young child, I played hockey, I liked micro-machines, I liked video games, I liked climbing trees, riding bikes, building forts, and track & field.
I told my therapist that in my third session when she asked about my childhood, just minutes after telling me she felt I was ready for hormones. I had to endure 23 more sessions with her, spread across the next year and a half, to get back to where I was mid-way through that third session, a long enough time for her to forget enough about those remarks on my childhood, before I could get access to hormones. When she asked about my childhood again in the 22nd or 23rd session, I told her I played with dolls, and that secretly, my favourite colour was pink as a child, and that I yearned to play house but no one would play with me, that I’d try on my mom’s shoes and some of her clothes, etc. etc. And after I tossed out enough cliche elements of the standard narrative (basically painting myself as a very heterosexual hyper-feminine 50′s housewife), I got access. I can’t say that if I ever got interviewed on public media that I’d stray from that safe narrative, because chances are, my doctors would/could see, and I could lose access to healthcare, employment, housing, etc.
Like I said, I’ve had friends who forgot to wear nail polish and were punished for it. I had a friend…in the dead of winter…who wore pants to an appointment and was suddenly told by the doctor that he had no confidence that she was a ‘real’ trans woman. A trans dude friend of mine got in a car wreck and had busted up ribs, and couldn’t wear his binder comfortably for a while, and his doctor refused to renew his prescription to T. He eventually had to find a new doctor, endure the waiting list, and get back on, which took like, 9 months.
So if we’re saying things like that, it’s almost always a self-defense mechanism. It’s very hard to tell who we can trust, and who has the power to derail our transitions, or kill our support networks, etc. And while I’m sure if all trans people revolted and told the truth, it might help disrupt that system of norms and standards and gatekeeping, but I could never ask others like me to take a stand on principle that would likely kill a great many of them. I know that without HRT, I wouldn’t survive more than maybe three months, it’s really that simple, and I know so many others in the same boat. It’d be like walking into a building burning from a three-alarm fire to try and activate the inactive sprinkler system, instead of calling the fire department to put it out. This isn’t our responsibility.
I think it’s important to remember that trans people who are coerced into expressing these narratives are a tiny demographic, so our ability to significantly ‘reproduce’ or ‘essentialize’ any gender norms is negligible at best. And that in the overwhelming majority of the world, trans folks have to comply with exaggerated gender norms for our gender simply for survival. And that survival must take precedence over worries of us reproducing harm that we’d only be reproducing because cis people can’t get their heads out of their asses over their need to police everything about our bodies and our lives.
Like, in case you’re not aware, the “born in the wrong body” language stemmed from trans patients decades and decades ago, who were being experimented on, sterilized, mutilated, and tortured. Eventually doctors listened to us and our pleas to just treat our dysphoria, but our language didn’t fit necessarily with their worldview. They couldn’t accept that pre-transition trans men and trans women were actually men/women. That we had men’s/women’s bodies. That we were male/female. So we were coerced into using their language for us, in order to get the treatment we needed, to get any shred of support we could get. The cis-dominated structures of science and medicine are to blame for that sexism, cissexism, essentialism, etc. as well.
We’re just trying to get the help we need in a world that does not want us to get that help, and will generally only provide it if we tell them everything they want to hear. Some of the greener, fresh out of the closet trans folks push that sort of language/narrative hard, because it’s what they’re exposed to, it’s what they’re taught keeps them safe, and it’s pretty wrong to be critical of someone for surviving and actively reducing harm against themselves from society at large.
So if you get the urge to criticize a trans person for bringing that sort of thing up, maybe instead criticize the structures that prevent us from saying anything else.
This is really interesting and a perspective I hadn’t ever considered.
Trans men and women are pressured into performing masculinity or femininity more than cis men and women.
I used to think that trans people tended to be that way, then I realized society pressures them into it.
Whilst I, as a cis woman, can get away with speaking in public in jeans and a button down shirt (I do like to femme out when I feel like it, mind), a trans woman has to wear a dress and heels.
I, as a cis woman, can follow motor sports and like Top Gear. A trans woman who likes those things has to hide them.
And not only is this oppressive, but the pushing of trans women into stereotypically feminine roles can deny society the talents they may possess in traditionally masculine areas. The expectation to perform extreme femininity is likely to push trans women out of STEM, for example.
Trans men, on the other hand, are pushed even more into toxic masculinity and “macho” values than cis men. I don’t think it’s as much of a gap because the extreme forcing of gender roles is actually worse for men than it is for women. I can wear a pantsuit. If my husband were to wear a skirt… (He wouldn’t, he’s not the type, but…)
The moment I announced my transition to the public, someone I worked with on a professional level asked, incredulously, when I was going to start “dressing like a woman.”
I was wearing Tripp pants, a tank top, with a bra, and sneakers. I asked him what a woman dresses like? His answer “Well, that opens a whole can of worms.”
Yeah, you see what happened right there? Women are not expected to dress a certain way. But if I want to be seen as a woman, I have to dress drastically different from what I did before. I have to “show I want it.”
On top of that, if I hadn’t told my psychologist about how when I was a child I didn’t feel comfortable playing with boys or sports, she wouldn’t have approved me for Estrogen. She told me that because I didn’t wear makeup and lipstick, it was hard to “justify transitioning.”
We don’t do this to force women into feminine roles, but we are punished, neglected, and killed if we don’t match up with “feminine” or “masculine” based on what other people expect. It’s terrifying.
I think cis women are pushed into feminine roles. I have failed to get jobs because I insisted on wearing flats or did not wear makeup.
But trans women get it worse, because they are constantly having to prove that they’re women. And ironically, some of the people who harass trans women the most are the same people who tell cis women they’re “supporting patriarchy” if they wear makeup. (I only wear makeup when I have an actual reason to, because dang it, that stuff is expensive and annoying!).
I’m a trans therapist and I advise my trans clients to straight up lie to their doctors and other psychologists/psychiatrists if it gets them hormones. I tell them to make up the whatever stereotyped, unrealistic “trans narratives” they need to if it will get them access to hormones and surgeries they need. The medical system is not set up to protect or help us, it’s set up to safeguard cis people from being like us.
This is why the entire idea of gatekeeping and everything relating to it needs to be burned to the ground. If anyone tells you gatekeeping is a good idea–no matter whether they are cis or trans–they are wrong and they are condemning trans people to death.
cis feminists KNOW that rigid gender roles profoundly damage the men and women who adhere to them. to expect trans women to perform ‘femininity’ to a standard that we KNOW fucks up cis women is just ridiculous. ditto trans men– i know i stop looking ‘like a guy’ when i pull out my embroidery or coo over beautiful clothes or anything else soft and sweet, and it’s already pissing me off only a couple months into my transition. sometimes i won’t have the luxury of gender ambiguity, much less open rebellion against a toxic patriarchy, but like. when i can, i’m gonna. it just sucks so hard so many people can’t at all.
sometimes i get really overwhelmed and confused at the sheer amount of people on this website who claim to be in favour of breaking down gendered stereotypes and breaking the binary down as much as possible but like will then turn around and go to war with pitchforks and torches when a trans man decides he wants to wear a skirt for a day or a trans woman feels like wearing a polo and slacks
like i think it’s important to remember, if you really do want to make a marked effort in smashing the gender binary, that clothes are just chunks of fabric we cover our junk with. if you are wearing what you feel most comfortable in, that’s all you need to do. you don’t need to comment on the clothing choices of others.
a trans man wearing a sundress is not a traitor or a slave to the gender binary despite having transitioned. a trans man in a sundress is a man who likes to feel the wind between his knees because frankly it feels awesome and sundresses are super cute.
a trans woman choosing to wear sharp tailored suit is not detransitioning, she is probably wearing it because it looks super good and has nice clean lines and makes her feel like a badass.
a nonbinary person who wears both dresses and skirts and rompers and heels as well as jeans and button ups and sneakers is not “confused”, they probably just have really dope fashion sense and enjoy having a wide variety of options because there is nothing they feel uncomfortable in.
fashion is such a personal thing. it can be a political statement, and it can shove us into pigeonholes, but it doesn’t always have to be.
(Just thought I’d share this in case someone finds it useful!)
This is basically all the advise my speech therapist has given me so far, just condensed and without the exercises and it’s really amazing advice! I’d also suggest that if you have a smartphone get an app called voice analyst because it gives you feedback on your average pitch as well as showing you how low your pitch gets, and for me and lots of other girls an issue in passing as that we can get our voices up to around 200hz but several times per sentence drop back to like 120 and it shows you when you’re doing that so you can focus on it.
Binding is not safe. Long term, it is detrimental to your physical health. While the social and psychological benefits might outweigh the physical risks for many people, the choice to bind should be made with the understanding that the risks cannot be eliminated even with great care to ensure good fit and avoid overuse. Tightly compressing a large part of your body with many complex skeletal and muscular connections on a regular basis damages your body over time. Take off-days, wear the proper size from reputable makers, don’t sleep or exercise in them, and take them off as often as possible – all good advice that you absolutely must follow to be as safe as possible, but it’s impossible to guarantee that there will not be complications.
People tend to downplay the physical risks of binding because the payoff for self-confidence can be so profound. But seriously – even responsible binding is likely to cause complications ranging from sharp pains, nerve damage, dramatically decreased lung capacity, fluid buildup, skin issues, and back injury. Do not take it lightly just because it’s a piece of clothing that can be removed and does not need a doctor’s approval or informed consent to use.
If you must bind, be gentle with yourself. On your off-time, or if you choose not to bind at all, puffer vests are your new best friends. Seriously. Get your Marty McFly on. Not your style? Your loss, you unfashionable fool, but scarves, loose-fitting button-downs, and bomber jackets can help as well.
Okay shut the fuck up.
If it’s a decision between hurting myself but feeling confident, or killing myself because I don’t feel like I belong in my own body, I think I’d choose the former.
That’s your prerogative. I never told anyone NOT to wear a binder. However, it’s a major medical decision, and minimizing or dismissing the very real and common side-effects is not good for anyone, especially young people just beginning to transition. Like I said, sometimes the psychological benefits outweigh the physical costs – if not wearing a binder makes you suicidal, then clearly continuing to wear a binder is the correct decision for you.
The problem lies in presenting binders as a miracle solution that everyone can and should try if they are distressed by the appearance of their chest, or that only “incorrect” binding (as with ace bandages) poses any dangers. Some people may develop complications that make it impossible for them to continue binding. It is vitally important that people are aware of the potential harm before they begin and are able to make informed decisions by weighing their own priorities and exploring alternatives.
Unlike surgery or hormones, binders are not medically regulated and don’t require you to understand what you’re getting into. That means we have to look after each other, and in this case, that means being honest about safety.
Okay, now shut the fuck up twice. People are pushing the agenda, and have been pushing the agenda, for making studies about binding for YEARS. And some traito…. I mean, trans people, are advocating for it to happen, and advocating for medical personel to overlook trans person’s binding as a medical procedure in need of ‘professional regulating’. I don’t fucking care about you or your self-righteous quasi fight for ‘heath of trans people’, because it’s just gatekeeping, plain and simple. Now, get the fuck out off my face, you tool.
[Deep breath.]
I… really don’t know where to start with this. Are you suggesting that peer-reviewed scientific studies on the long-term effects of binding are a bad thing, and that trans people who want this information to exist are “traitors”? Is that honest-to-god what you’re saying here?
I’ve never met anyone advocating for binding to be “regulated”. If that’s what you think I’m saying, please read my post again. Binding can affect your body dramatically and irreversibly, and trans people deserve access to information about their health so that they can make informed decisions about their bodies.
Reliable information on trans health issues is virtually nonexistent because it hasn’t been widely formally studied over decades. It’s nearly impossible for trans people to make genuinely informed decisions about their health. If we cannot talk about the risks or are shushed for talking about our experiences, people get hurt and make decisions they may later regret. Just read through the notes on this post for many, many examples.
Hiding or downplaying the risks of binding, especially from young people, is wildly irresponsible. I have no respect for you at all if you think that it’s better for kids to accidentally hurt themselves because they aren’t aware of potential dangers, than to “gatekeep” by asking them to consider their options carefully before proceeding.
The nerve damage on my left shoulder blade that causes gentle hugs to be agonizing is not an “agenda”. The fact that I can no longer safely enter water deeper than my neck because my lungs and ribcage can only expand to a fraction of what they used to is not an “agenda”. The constant aches, the faint wheeze, the tissue degradation, the fact that I’m unable to truly pursue the active, outdoorsy life I hoped for until and unless I get a surgery I can’t afford? Not an “agenda” either. I’m lucky in that I can still bind routinely and function throughout the day.
I wish I had known what I know now before I started binding. Would I have made the decision to bind anyway? Yeah, I really think I would. But I am furious that no one hit me with hard truths beforehand so my decision could have truly been informed.
My fav trans writer just made this on her Twitter so I thought I’d share.
The major unlock for me was realizing that wanting to be a girl was a symptom of being a girl.
Me realizing I was trans was me going “Wow. I wish I was transgender., I’d like to be a girl.” for MONTHS (this was when I started seriously questioning) till one day I was wishing I was trans and then I was just like:
I remember when I was like 13 I read something about trans people in an informative way for the first time and in the span of about three seconds I was just like “oh. That’s a thing. That makes a whole lot of sense.”
Don’t try that mascara/arm hair shit. I’ve been passing for more than a year with short, blond arm hair. It’s not an important secondary sex characteristic.
Board shorts (without pockets in the front) do wonders to minimize the width of your hips. Always choose board shorts over swim trunks. Choose them over cargo shorts if it’s appropriate.
Speak from your chest, never from your head.
The goal of binding should not be an entirely flat chest; you should bind for your body type.
GC2b makes the best binders out there, and their products are designed specifically for trans men/transmasculine people.
It might seem useless if you’re pre-T, but working out can be a big help for dysphoria.
Eyebrows are really important to passing pre-testosterone. Muss that shit up. Make them look unkempt.
When you ask for a haircut, make sure the edges in the back are squared, not rounded.
If you have peach fuzz, I would advise shaving it. Cis guys shed theirs when they go through puberty. Shaving can also help with facial hair dysphoria.
Don’t ever buy a binder from Amazon. They run in strange sizes (I was an XXL even though I’m a M in GC2b) and take weeks/months to come. It’s also difficult to breathe in them after a few hours.
just moving along like everyone else 