As a dog trainer, I can tell you that probably 50% of dogs really don’t like hugs and at least another 48% pretty much just tolerate them. Very few dogs I know genuinely like hugs the way humans tend to give them. What’s funny is that the picture that Fox used with this headline is one of the more common ways dogs do enjoy contact that humans would consider a hug.
Stanley Coren – the dude who wrote the article that is pissing everyone off about this – really does know what he’s talking about. He wrote one o my favorite books, called how to speak dog, which has some absolutely beautiful diagrams of dog behavior and body language along the gamut of extreme situations.
The way humans hug dogs is often really uncomfortable for them. We lean over them and trap them (think how many dogs we already know are spooky when you loom over them, but are fine if you get down to their level), and then we restrict their ability to move and shove our faces close to theirs. That’s not fun. Keep in mind that most dogs have personal space bubbles that are larger than we tend to think, and now you’re not only invading it, you’re making it so they can’t move or defend themselves if something happens.
Look at this photo from a couple years ago. Avalanche is probably the most tolerant dog I know of things that press his physical boundaries – he lets little kids do things to him that make me cringe and doesn’t even seem to notice half the time. This was right before I had to head back to college and I knew I wouldn’t see him for another 6 months, so I hugged him because sappy human emotions. I have an amazing relationship with this dog, and look at his body language. He’s kinda stiff, his face is a little tense, and the corners of his mouth are pulled back a little. All in all, he’s supremely un-enthused but he’s letting me do it. After about five seconds, he huffed out the sigh he uses to let me know when he’s done with the hug, and then pulled back and shook off.
Most dogs learn to tolerate hugs because we do it to them so often. It’s pretty much a kind of learned helplessness, plus, they like us and so they put up with our stupid human behavior. When you hug most dogs, you’ll notice they get kinda stiff, they look away or at other humans for help, you’ll see side-eyes or look-aways (not whale eye). Often they’ll distract you by doing something else like pawing at you, or licking your face as an appeasement signal. They’re all signs of discomfort that we already routinely ignore when we deal with our dogs, so it makes sense that people think their dogs are fine with it – they’re just still not listening.
More often, you’ll get dogs that will crawl up your chest when you sit and put their paws on your shoulders. Sometimes their face is close to yours, sometimes it’s on your shoulder. In that position – which they often initiate – they ca easily withdraw and get away if necessary and they’re not trapped or being leaned over. It’s not really a hug, just close contact, but I think it’s about as close as humans are going to get to one that a dog will enjoy.
when you become a hockey fan, you’re going to be sorely disappointed if you’re expecting these men – the majority of whom are white and straight, and have been coddled since childhood just bc they’re skilled at hockey – to be well-versed in social justice.
i can gurantee you your fave has used gendered slurs before – misogynistic and homophobic language is deepy ingrained in hockey culture and unless a player is making an active effort to combat it, it’s likely that yeah, your fave is kinda sexist. that doesn’t make the rampant misogyny in hockey okay at all – like i said about homophobia, it IS a part of the game, but a part that is ugly and gross and needs to change. but pretending like you’re morally superior for hating crosby is hypocritical unless you want to call out the entire league, bc casual use of these words isn’t a unique thing that only a couple of problematic players are guilty of. (it’s okay to hate crosby for no reason yall, you can stop pulling up random receipts that aren’t specific to him in the least to justify your hatred.)
Aries: Make a hot chocolate, spend the day in your underwear. Most things can wait.
Taurus: No, screaming and running around in circles isnt terribly effective at solving problems but its cathartic dammit and thats the point.
Gemini: Did you know you can pretty much dance wherever you want? Most people are too uncomfortable to ask you to stop. Dance away you mad thing, dance.
Cancer: You cant unbreak an egg. You can try. But you will have a horrific creation of super glue and scotch tape and nobody wants that.
Leo: If you’re making curry, make sure to chop the veggies really fine grate them if you can, and let the curry reduce 50% longer than you think it needs too.
Virgo: If you ever cant relax, sit your ass down and find yourself a fuckin coloring book.
Libra: There is time enough for that. There is time enough for rest too.
Scorpio: With good timing, curses can be reflected with baseball bats.
Ophiuchus: Everything has a darker nature.
Sagittarius: What most people call mistakes, great artists call style. You are your imperfections.
Capricorn: After enough time, one knows exactly how much cereal to pour into a particular bowl. Zen.
Aquarius: The twirling of the room is no danger to you. It means its time to sleep.
Pisces: Your heart should always have a couch for others to crash on.
attention college freshmen/anyone feeding themselves for the first time
this is for you
it has come to my attention that some people are not feeding themselves properly bc they don’t know how to cook/aren’t sure how to cook on a budget. bc i am everyone’s mom (or at least everyone’s wise older sister) let me drop some very real Broke Rookie Cooking Knowledge. 2 of my favorite recipes are under the cut, both of which come out to $2 OR LESS PER SERVING.
-MAKE a MENU. pick out like 5 things you know how to make and buy JUST WHAT YOU NEED FOR THOSE THINGS. and also a few snacks, but otherwise, JUST THAT. don’t just buy some random-ass groceries you think you’ll need. (also, if you don’t know how to make 5 things, seriously just google simple dinner recipes. i used a “mississippi heirloom cookbook” my aunt gave me and got a ton of good ones.)
-tbh i don’t even buy snacks except for a giant box of cookies that lasts me like 2 weeks at a time and an assload of apples. snacking is bad for you, and if you don’t HAVE snacks, you can’t EAT snacks. fuck snacks.
-off-brand EVERYTHING. you think you can taste a difference? you CAN’T. get shit in cans. vegetables. pasta sauce. salsa. whatthefuckever. it all comes in cans, and it’s always cheaper. i have no idea why.
-whole grain bread and brown rice/pasta are not more expensive than the regular kind, and they keep you full longer. GET THEM.
-@ my americans, Dollar Tree has literally everything. every kitchen utensil. (it’s where i got my big-ass chef’s knife, and that bitch is still sharp.) dishes/cups. snacks. drinks. literal loaves of bread. all kinds of basics, from peanut butter to sriracha to progresso soup. some even have freezer sections. all for ONE DOLLAR. go to Dollar Tree first, then go to the grocery store for whatever you couldn’t find there. i s2g it saves me so much money. (they also have tupperware, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, EVERYTHING. for one dollar.)
-produce is way cheaper than you think. get some fresh vegetables. you really will start to feel like a bag of hot garbage if you don’t eat your veggies.
-COOK in ADVANCE. i work during the day and go to school in the evenings, then i come home and work out. lemme tell you, my ass does NOT wanna cook when im done with all that. cook shit in big quantities, stock up on tupperware (dollar treeeeee), and stick it in the fridge for later. when you’re exhausted and remember you have instant dinner already made, you will want to kiss yourself.
-find some sandwiches you love. make a lot of sandwiches. (pls for the love of God dont use kraft american singles tho. deli-sliced cheese is literally right next to it, and it is NOT more expensive.)`
-FUCK organic free-range shit. you got organic free-range money? GREAT. i sure as hell don’t, and neither do most people. don’t waste your money trying to live your foodstagram #goals while you’re young and poor.
-if you qualify for SNAP/EBT, GET THAT SHIT. there are some assholes out there that will tell you not to, to leave it for the ~real~ poor people. tell them, ‘motherfucker I AM REAL POOR.’ for real though, corporations take advantage of any assistance the government gives them and they still lobby for more. you’d be a fool not to do the same.
Take creators stepping in and dismissing fan theories and interpretations of their works with a grain of salt. This is a lesson I learned early, from Anne “my vampires aren’t gay and also I might sue you” Rice.
During the peak of my Vampire Chronicles love, I – at that time, a very petty fifteen-year-old – set out to underline every single really queer moment in the whole series. Spite aside, I quickly realized that in a series where the protagonist runs away to Paris with clearly his violinist boyfriend, and convinces his next super angsty obviously boyfriend to MAKE A VAMPIRE CHILD WITH HIM to keep said angsty boyfriend from leaving, this was easier said than done.
I mean, she’s not fully wrong – Lestat’s not gay, he’s very bisexual. Louis and Nicki are both hella gay, though.
Anyway, I’ve meandered. The point is – creators can say wildly inaccurate things about their works sometimes. Anne Rice went Christian and didn’t want her books to be SUPER FUCKING QUEER anymore. Creators’ views on what they’ve made can change over the years. You never fucking know.
Sometimes I just want to wave my English major wand over fandom and cover everyone in “the author is dead” pixie dust. Because…it doesn’t matter??? The second they put their creation out into the world, they forfeited the right to be the sole authority on its interpretation.
One of the most important things anyone ever told me, as both a writer and a reader, was when my AP English teacher said to me, “Your thesis statement can be whatever you want it to be. You can tell me that King Lear is gay and in love with Kent, and divvying up his kingdom between his daughters is his way of divesting himself of the role of heterosexual fatherhood he’s been forced into. I don’t care what you say – you just need to show me how the text supports it.”
Creators put things in their work that they didn’t consciously intend to. Creators intend things in their work that don’t come through in the text. Once it leaves their hands, it’s yours now.
So I have just learned something life changing from your AP English teacher via tumblr osmosis that I failed to grasp during my entire high school stay, including my own AP English.
every story is told to a different person and to every person it is a different story. and that’s not just okay, it’s wonderful.
hey, can i do a little zen sidestep on this one –
as an author, i do not embrace ‘death of the author’, because when i write i’m deliberately trying to convey the actual specific story i’m writing; whether i communicate it well enough for you to hear it the same as i said it is up to my skill, our cultural similarity, and so forth, but the damn thing does exist, for crying out loud. i’m not an infinite number of monkeys.
also, in this as in so many areas of life: don’t tell me what i fuckin’ said.
and yet. and yet, my darlings. sometimes when the author fails to convey themselves as they wanted to, the message you recieve in error is waaaaay cooler than what they wanted to say.
there are two messages here, the one sent and the one percieved, like a starfield image distorted between the stars and the radio telescope – it’s nonsensical to say those stars don’t exist just because your telescope didn’t image them, but it’s also nonsensical to say that the data you recieved isn’t just as real – and, if you happened to discover a really cool gravitational lensing event, tons better.
the death of the author is based on an illusion, that only one end of that transmission is real.
ask yourself instead: can fandom be better than canon?
and the answer to that, i believe, is: well, duh.
whether it’s permissible, or even desirable, to squirt an egotistical hack with a squirt gun and tell them ‘no’ in a firm voice, is less clear-cut.
ok so let’s talk a bit about jobs vs passion. my last fulltime job was at a big game development studio; the kind of job you’re (supposedly) passionate about. most of my colleagues adored the games we made, and so they didn’t care that the company had a major diversity problem, that our salaries were below average, that we didn’t get overtime compensation yet stayed ‘til 11PM more often than what’s healthy, and that the company promoted an unhealthy alcohol culture. because we were passionate. this was the kind of job you grow up dreaming about; don’t go throwing it away because some colleagues are harrassing you or because you get no recognition for your efforts!
for more than a year I was tired. stressed. in constant pain. my anxiety was through the roof. I worked on these “dream projects” and I felt dead inside.
when I quit that job I started freelancing as a writer. I got some really good jobs. I also got a bunch of small-time, low-paid, “hey at least your name is on it so isn’t it enough to pay 10$ for this text?” kind of jobs.
with the typical millenial housing situation of an apartment that I could barely afford on a fulltime pay and a constant stream of job offers that were underpaid I spent four months doing what I love, while constantly overwhelmed by stress. my insomnia got really bad, and when I managed to fall asleep I would dream about my bank balance. I would dream of losing whatever stability I had left in my life, simply because I couldn’t afford a “normal adult life”.
and so, today I got a job. it’s a fairly standard QA job at a medium sized game development studio. unlike any other game companies I’ve been at they offer humane working conditions. they don’t expect me to show up too early and stay too late because I’m passionate. the hours are nine to five, and they disapprove of overtime. the pay is slightly above average, and I get health benefits. I’ve been through several interviews, and at no point has someone tried to belittle my career or tried to convince me to work for less than I’m worth.
for the first time in many years of my career, I’m happy. I’m at ease. I applied for this job because I wanted to get away from the passionate part of the industry. I wanted a job where I could go home at five and dedicate my freetime to my own writing projects. I wanted to work at a place that didn’t eat my heart and soul and energy as I contributed to projects that wouldn’t even bear my name in the end credits.
so what I’m trying to say is that there’s nothing wrong with having a “normal” job. you’re not giving up on your dreams if you take a job outside your main interests. if it offers stability in your life, it’s enough.
This really resonates with me because I left the architectural industry last year. The hours were unreasonable, work stressful and devolved into the new projects filling me with dread. My boss kept hinting I wasn’t doing enough, I wasn’t passionate enough… I finally left, and after a difficult half year, I finally found a job outside the industry. It is not a dream job, and it is not where my passion lies, but the work lets breathe. And I tell you, I now value “breathing” over “making my dream come true” any day.
if you have a job that you can do reasonably well without intense stress and leave at the office when you leave, you can actually spend as much free time as you like Making Your Dream Happen
like, yeah, you can settle down in a cafe on sundays and write your novel, because you have that time carved out and you can afford it. you can put extra money towards materials for your sculpting project. save up for a kiln or fancy paints or whatever. get a gopro and convince your friends to act in your arthouse zombie movie on the weekend because it’ll be fun.
dreams can be dreamed on many levels. jobs only have to be successful on one level, and that is the level where you make enough money to live your goddamn life.
Work to live, don’t live to work.
To all my followers who want to write, animate, and create – this is very real and true! Please take note!!
Academia is really bad about this. “Passionate” is conflated with “willing to work 60-70 hours/week, move anywhere in the country for a new job once a year, live apart from your significant other for years at a time, put your family life on hold, etc etc.” If you’re not willing to do all that, you just don’t want it badly enough. Fuck that. Fuck any employer who thinks that way.
Caveat: I’ve only been a massage therapist for about 7 months. But I’ve noticed that lots of people come in with the same issues, and I wind up giving the same stretches and exercises as “homework.” So I thought, why not tell everyone? Here they are:
You know that spot between your shoulderblades that gets tense all the time? Well, it’s not actually tense: it’s stretched. Those are your rhomboids and the pain they experience is the price we pay for using a computer, studying, driving a car, texting, and any other activity that involves our arms being out in front of us. That position brings our shoulders and our shoulderblades forward into protraction. That stretches out the rhomboids and causes them to tense up in an effort to counteract our slump.
What do? Take your arms out to the sides, Jesus-style. Now bend your elbows and try to bring them behind your back. Your forearms should still be out to the sides. You’ll kind of look like you’re trying to pick a fight with someone. Do 25 of these and you should be able to feel those rhomboids getting stronger, pulling your shoulders back where they should be.
2. “Write the alphabet with your nose” aka neck exercises.
Stiff neck? Tension headaches? You might be tempted to stretch. Don’t. Necks are super-prone to adhesions and trigger points, both of which can actually get worse if you stretch without warming up the muscles first. Next time you wake up with neck pain, try exercising it instead of stretching.
What do? My favorite is the alphabet exercise, in which you pretend the tip of your nose is a pencil and write the alphabet with it. Start off small with A and get bigger until the Z is huge. That takes your neck through a lot of different motions.
3. “Play superman” aka back extension exercises.
Hand-in-hand with the shoulder slump is the back curve. This usually presents as pain in the mid-back on either or both sides of the spine, in what’s called the erector spinae group (or ESGs in massage lingo). True to their Latin, the ESGs hold us upright–but when we’re slumping forward all the time they, like the rhomboids, get stretched out and weakened. Then when we go to lift something too heavy and bend over instead of using our legs, we get that eeeeeeak feeling in our back that is the ESGs informing us that this shit is not on.
What do? Lie on your front with your arms out to the sides. The picture above is kind of advanced: feel free to not have your arms out so far above your head, I only have my arms at a ninety-degree angle with my shoulders, frankly. Start off with maybe 20 reps of that motion and work your way up to 50 and arms straight out. Don’t overwork the muscles, but get them going.
4. “Cobra pose” aka psoas stretch.
You ever get that pain in your low back from sitting in a chair for a long time? That’s your psoas being a bitch. This stretch is a natural transition from the superman exercises. Really, it stretches a whole lot of things that need it, but especially the psoas muscles. The psoas attaches to the fronts of the vertebrae in the small of your back and run down through the pelvis to end up on the insides of your legs. It’s a waist flexor, which means that all that time you spend sitting down is teaching it to be short. Then when you go to stand up, it wants to STAY short instead of stretching, and the result is a sharp, powerful tug on your lumbar vertebrae and a helluva lot of low back pain.
What do? Lie on your front and rise up onto your elbows. You should feel a stretch in your abdomen. If you don’t, go up further onto your hands. If you still don’t, do this shit. Then get the fuck away from me. Jesus, what’s wrong with you? Do you not have a spine?
5. “Foam rolling your IT band” aka WHY GOD WHY DOES IT HURT??
I don’t know who made that picture but it is 100% accurate. See, there’s this swath of connective tissue (think tendons and ligaments) that runs down the sides of your thighs from your hips to your knees, called the Iliotibial Band, or IT band or ITB for short. The ITB, being sticky-wicky connective tissue, loves to get tangled up in everything around it, which is primarily the hamstrings and the quads. The adhesions that form along the whole length of the ITB prevent both these muscles groups from relaxing, and leads to all sorts of painful things, from torn hamstrings to kneecaps getting out of alignment and wearing down cartilage (thus necessitating knee replacements) to hip issues (gluteus maximus aka “the butt” feeds into the ITB). Basically it wants to fuck up your entire lower body.
What do? Well, if you’ve got a high pain threshold like the lady with the rictus grin in the picture, you can buy a foam roller and plop down on it like she is, then roll back and forth to your heart’s screaming, agonized content. If, however, your IT band is as sensitive as most people’s, I recommend getting a hard plastic water bottle (one that won’t crack and has a tight lid!!), filling it up with warm water, and using that instead. You can either assume the same position as above, or simply sit in a chair and rub it up and down your legs from hip to knee. Do it for about five minutes each day and that will relax the IT band as well as loosen the adhesions to the hamstrings and quadricep muscles. Stretch both those muscles afterwards for maximum benefit!
Again: caveat. I am by no means an expert at this. These are just the things that I’ve found to be most helpful for my clients. I take no responsibility if you injure yourselves actually doing these things, and especially no responsibility if you actually decide to foam roll your IT band. Seriously, that shit hurts.
Also hypermobile people in particular should be cautious of foam rollers. A physical therapist hecked me up once by having me use one on my upper back when my core muscles weren’t strong enough to deal with it safely.
WHENEVER YOU SEE THIS POST ON YOUR DASH, STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND WRITE ONE SENTENCE FOR YOUR CURRENT PROJECT.
Just one sentence. Stop blogging for one minute and write a single sentence. It could be dialogue, it could be a nice description of scenery, it could be a metaphor, I don’t care. The point is, do it. Then, when you finish, you can get back to blogging.
If this gets viral, you might just have your novel finished by next Tuesday.
Goddamn it, it’s back.
If it stays back, I might manage to finish a third story this year. Jesus.
I swear, this is now my only writing motivation.
Sigh.
Are you fucking kidding me?
The secret is that writing one sentence is like eating one potato chip, or one peanut: It can’t be done. I just wrote five.
just moving along like everyone else 