You’re more than just dysphoria and a target of transphobia (img source)
this is why I’m against the narrative of “being LGBT is defined by suffering, if you don’t suffer you don’t belong to LGBT or Pride”. it’s incredibly damaging to queer people, especially queer kids who are just figuring out how their sexuality or gender identity figures into their overall identity. this narrative shoves them back into the closet if they don’t suffer “enough”, and how much one must suffer is completely arbitrary
also hey most young folks dont have super diverse experiences under their belt yet due to being, like, young. there are only a few narratives of queer suffering out there, and thus the definition of queer suffering and what that looks/feels like is very narrow and doesn’t always apply to a lot of queer youth.
so, like, promoting the concept of “LGBTQ = suffering” means queer kids may not recognize when something they’re going through is because of their queerness, and disregard that and themselves even if it is.
also pressures queer kids to come out for the sake of suffering and feeling ‘valid’ even if they aren’t safe or ready to.
There’s this thing that happens with minority groups. We come together because of the discrimination but we stay together for the culture. But people seem to forget that – LGBTQIA+ people aren’t just together because we suffer, we’re together because we have something to celebrate in the uniqueness we share. There’s something fundamentally wrong about working towards a better world with less discrimination and then gatekeeping newer members of the community because we don’t feel they’re suffered enough. THAT WAS THE GOAL.
Every queer person you feel hasn’t suffered enough to qualify as queer is proof of a better world. A better world is what we said we wanted, but it’s not going to be what we get if we let our identities be defined by suffering.
Worth noting that when a group too strongly roots their identity in the idea of persecution you eventually get stuff like American Christians being convinced they are a persecuted minority
This also paints an incredibly bleak future where we will never not be suffering. Idk about you, but that’s not the future I’m trying to achieve.
So much of the Euro-American understanding of being trans (or anything other than 100% constantly identified with your assigned gender) focuses on discomfort.
Some people take this idea to an extreme and claim you can’t be trans unless you hate your body and want every surgery available to you. As many other writers have said before, that’s not true. It’s perfectly possible to be trans with only mild dysphoria or none at all. It’s perfectly possible to be trans and have a mental map of your body that looks just like the one you already have.
But I’d like to push even harder against the idea that trans=discomfort. I’d like to offer this: sometimes the exploration of one’s gender can be motivated by pleasure rather than discomfort.
Let me give an example. Let’s say there’s a person named Cal. Most people think of Cal as a boy, and Cal’s all right with that. So far as Cal’s concerned, a boy isn’t a bad thing to be. But sometimes, Cal likes to imagine being a girl and being treated as a girl. Those fantasies are always accompanied by feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, anticipation, and warmth. Eventually, having had these thoughts for years, Cal asks people to use ‘she’ pronouns in private and to refer to her as a girl. Cal does this for another year before claiming the label “trans”.
Some people would say a person like Cal can’t be trans because there’s no dysphoria, self-hatred, distress, or even discomfort. There’s just a pleasure-based preference. But why is distress necessary? Why are trans people supposed to be defined solely by our pain and self-hatred?
It’s my opinion that defining trans people solely by discomfort is an aspect of transphobia. The idea behind trans=discomfort is that being anything other than 100% cis is so awful that no one would do it unless the alternative were unlivable. Think about that: defining trans people solely by their experiences of discomfort means believing that being trans is so awful that only misery could drive us to it. And to me, that sounds like the thinking of someone who really hates trans people.
So I’ll come out and say it: sometimes transition or self-exploration of gender is not just about lessening discomfort, but is about improving and deepening the pleasure we take in our lives.
“Think about that: defining trans people solely by their experiences of discomfort means believing that being trans is so awful that only misery could drive us to it.”
One thing that a lot of transmasc people struggle with before they fully realize they’re trans is the question of “do I hate being treated like a woman because women are treated like shit, or do I hate being treated like a woman because I’m not a woman?”
and one method (though not entirely foolproof) to figuring that out is asking “would I be upset if another girl was treated like this?”
like, I’d be just as mad if some dude said “you can’t do math because you’re a girl” to a female classmate as I would if he said it to me
however, I never got uncomfortable at waiters calling my female friends “m’am”, I was only uncomfortable when they called *me* that
and obviously everyone’s feelings are different and there’s tons of variables at play, but if you find that there’s a lot of the second scenario going on with you, there’s a good chance you’re not entirely cis
i feel like ppl think being nb means ur agender… like no it literally means u dont fit well into the binary of man or woman. it doesnt mean ur entirely disconnected from gender…. u can be fem alligned or masc alligned and ur still nb…. even if ur primally fem aligned and afab or vica versa w being amab… and being afab but transmasc etc is also fine…. and switching between all of these? also fine… nb is a gigantic umbrella term for literally any kind of noncis and nontrans person so ofc there can be nb wlw and mlm like…. hello…. stop policing ppls identities
yeah the general quality and attributes of straight boys is why it took me to my late twenties to be able to actually conceptualize myself as a man without feeling INTENSE DISMAY. i mean, if a class of people abuses you all your life, you’re gonna feel pretty damn weird about joining their ranks!
i’ve found that even though i identify AS a man, i’m still way more likely to identify WITH female characters— especially ones like mulan and furiosa, who negotiate with their own femininity in order to survive and thrive in male roles. the male characters i identify with right off the bat are invariably damaged, frustrated, weak men, like steve rogers or miles vorkosigan: men born into the stifling cages of broken bodies, who work themselves raw to achieve what their peers take without thinking.
when i started transitioning, i felt a lot of rage and a lot of regret. i didn’t WANT to be trans. i didn’t want to be a half-thing, a not-quite man. i wanted a cis man’s body, a cis man’s life, and in abandoning being a cis woman, i felt like i was acknowledging that i was never going to be a whole, harmonious creature ever again. the entire rest of my life would be spent in transit, straining towards something i could not, by definition, actually reach.
but the thing is, growing into a trans identity has been cool. not being cis is alright, being something fluid and transitory, something contextual, is satisfying in and of itself. snakes shed their skin and come out beautiful. hermit crabs swap their shells. flowers turn into fruit which turns into seeds and every step of that process nourishes the world. being something that is eternally and intentionally shaping themself is really cool actually.
so, yeah, you’re a straight guy. you’re under no obligation to be a straight guy the way anyone else is doing it: as a point of fact, you kind of can’t. but the courage and compassion you learned as a lesbian will carry onwards into your new identity, and you will make it for yourself, out of things that you like, and ways that feel right. being trans is scary and uncomfortable in a lot of ways, but in that way, specifically, you are free, and it is wonderful.
just moving along like everyone else 