Mr. Rogers had an intentional manner of speaking to children, which his writers called “Freddish”. There were nine steps for translating into Freddish:
“State the idea you wish to express as clearly as possible, and in terms preschoolers can understand.” Example: It is dangerous to play in the street.
“Rephrase in a positive manner,” as in It is good to play where it is safe.
“Rephrase the idea, bearing in mind that preschoolers cannot yet make subtle distinctions and need to be redirected to authorities they trust.” As in, “Ask your parents where it is safe to play.”
“Rephrase your idea to eliminate all elements that could be considered prescriptive, directive, or instructive.” In the example, that’d mean getting rid of “ask”: Your parents will tell you where it is safe to play.
“Rephrase any element that suggests certainty.” That’d be “will”: Your parents can tell you where it is safe to play.
“Rephrase your idea to eliminate any element that may not apply to all children.” Not all children know their parents, so: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play.
“Add a simple motivational idea that gives preschoolers a reason to follow your advice.” Perhaps: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is good to listen to them.
“Rephrase your new statement, repeating the first step.” “Good” represents a value judgment, so: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is important to try to listen to them.
“Rephrase your idea a final time, relating it to some phase of development a preschooler can understand.” Maybe: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is important to try to listen to them, and listening is an important part of growing.
Rogers brought this level of care and attention not just to granular
details and phrasings, but the bigger messages his show would send.
Hedda Sharapan, one of the staff members at Fred Rogers’s production
company, Family Communications, Inc., recalls Rogers once halted taping
of a show when a cast member told the puppet Henrietta Pussycat not to
cry; he interrupted shooting to make it clear that his show would never
suggest to children that they not cry.
In working on the show,
Rogers interacted extensively with academic researchers. Daniel R.
Anderson, a psychologist formerly at the University of Massachusetts who
worked as an advisor for the show, remembered a speaking trip to
Germany at which some members of an academic audience raised questions
about Rogers’s direct approach on television. They were concerned that
it could lead to false expectations from children of personal support
from a televised figure. Anderson was impressed with the depth of
Rogers’s reaction, and with the fact that he went back to production
carefully screening scripts for any hint of language that could confuse
children in that way.
In fact, Freddish and Rogers’s philosophy of
child development is actually derived from some of the leading
20th-century scholars of the subject. In the 1950s, Rogers, already well
known for a previous children’s TV program, was pursuing a graduate
degree at The Pittsburgh Theological Seminary when a teacher there
recommended he also study under the child-development expert Margaret
McFarland at the University of Pittsburgh. There he was exposed to the
theories of legendary faculty, including McFarland, Benjamin Spock, Erik
Erikson, and T. Berry Brazelton. Rogers learned the highest standards
in this emerging academic field, and he applied them to his program for
almost half a century.
This is one of the reasons Rogers was so
particular about the writing on his show. “I spent hours talking with
Fred and taking notes,” says Greenwald, “then hours talking with
Margaret McFarland before I went off and wrote the scripts. Then Fred
made them better.” As simple as Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood looked and sounded, every detail in it was the product of a tremendously careful, academically-informed process.
That idea is REALLY worth learning to talk to the kiddos. Mr. Rogers still has a lot to teach us–especially for our own kids.
The amount of parents I’ve met who’ve told me, as a soon-to-be father, how much kids ‘ruin your life’ makes me so fucking sad.
These are all people who had kids because it was ‘the next logical step’. Like they have this mentality of ‘Marriage? Check. House? Check. Well, guess we better have kids!’ And then bring small dependant humans into the world…and get upset when their lives are inconvenienced or changed as a result.
It really saddens me because there’s this damaging culture of children being part of the standard. So people who shouldn’t be parents (and I mean that in the simplest of terms – not in a judgemental way, but a ‘it’s just not for you’ way) feel pressured to have children and regret it. And then the poor child grows up feeling like a burden.
It’s not fair on anyone. The parents, the children.
As a post on this site once said – children and the decision to parent should be ‘hell yes or hell no’. If you think for any reason at all that you might not be big on raising kids, do not actively go out of your way to have kids. Having them won’t magically make you want them.
All the people I know who wanted – really wanted – their kids and to raise kids have said ‘it’s difficult but I LOVE it. I love being a parent.’
Can we please eliminate the idea that parenting should suck? And that having children is a necessary part of adulthood?
And can we please eliminate the idea that people who don’t want children are somehow lacking? And that those who do want children are doomed to misery?
Signed, a very excited father-to-be who understands it’s not something everyone wants or should want.
When you have a child, you’re not signing up for them to be an exact copy of you, you don’t sign up for them to be straight, cisgender, a certain religion, you sign up to bring another human into the world and raise them as their own person, and the minute you make a decision to have a child, you have signed up for them not to be straight, not to be cis, not to have a certain religion. You can’t attach terms and conditions to a human being, and as a parent, your child being gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, transgender, non binary and so many more identities, should not be used as an excuse to make their life hell, to remind them all the time that they’re not what you signed up for. If you do that, you are not a good parent. You can tell yourself you are, you can tell your child you are, but really you’re a monster. When you have a child, you sign up to accept, love and support them for them.
you’re also not signing up for an abled child. their disability did not steal your ‘real’ child. the fuck is wrong with people.
Petition to fucking salt and burn the concept of “attention-seeking behaviour” as something intrinsically bad in children
To elaborate: If a child especially* is seeking attention, it’s because they fucking need some attention. “Attention and interaction from adults” is a non-negotiable neurological need. It is as important as food and water and clothing and a place to pee.
There will be times when a child seeks attention that are Unfortunate, either because now is not a good time for attention, or because the manner in which they are trying to get the attention is Unfortunate. See also “TALK TO ME WHEN YOU ARE ON AN IMPORTANT PHONE-CALL” and “I WILL GET YOUR ATTENTION BY SCREAMING AND BREAKING YOUR STUFF.”
But here’s the trick: if they are seeking attention then, and in that way, that means that they are not getting attention they need otherwise. And not reinforcing the bad behaviour is only half the solution. The other half is giving them attention in other ways and responses to other things.
If the only way that a child gets attention is by acting out? They will act out. Their all-powerful lizard-brains (which are absolutely, in children, VERY POWERFUL) will eventually literally just see the negative consequences of the behaviour as the price to pay for getting the attention their brains absolutely need as much as their bodies need food and water and to take a piss.
You cannot get out of the absolute responsibility to give a child under your care regular positive attention and interaction. If the child under your care is starting to show bad attention-seeking behaviour? That is a fail-proof diagnostic that on some level that child is not getting the attention and validation they need.
This does not mean that you do things that will tell them “yes, behaving this way will get you good attention.” But it does mean that you need to start showing them how to get more good attention from you.
You have to start teaching, “No, you cannot crawl all over me when I’m on the phone – but when I hang up the phone you can come ask for a hug or for me to look at your drawing”. YOU HAVE TO DO BOTH PARTS OF THIS. If you need a child to stop doing things like Making Messes for Attention, you have to start GIVING THEM attention for good things (and you know you might have to start at the very very bottom of the rung with “thank you so much for not making a mess today! Let’s play hide and seek!” Or something similar, but TOUGH SHIT, YOU ARE THE GROWNUP, THEY ARE THE CHILD).
… and if the child in question is younger than 12 (well really 18 at least, but DEFINITELY 12) months just fucking pay attention to them, they don’t have the cognitive capacity to understand putting off fulfillment, ok?
You know what the WORST THING possible for a baby to start doing is? Not trying to get adult attention.
Because that means that their brains have decided that you have abandoned them in the grass for the hyenas to eat, so they’re just going to stop developing and start dissociating. And this ends up with attachment disorders that will actually cause the child great difficulties in later life.
If a baby is crying and honestly distressed, fucking soothe it already.
(nb: yes, to some extent babies do need to learn to self-soothe; this lady has an actually sane article about this process which is a miracle, which gets into more detail about the processes involved and how it is a PROCESS, not just leaving the baby there to cry itself into hysterical exhaustion and teaching it that you won’t respond to its needs. PROCESS.) (nb2: sometimes the sleep/soothe process also gets into genuinely Medically Complicated Territory at which point you should be working with an actual paediatrician with specific training/etc, and you STILL don’t just leave the fucking baby there to scream for hours, trust me).
This has been your swear-filled elaboration of a friend’s aggravation for the day. Tip your server.
*adults also need attention, but adults are, well, adults: it is in fact their own responsibility to figure out how to seek attention from people who have the capacity to give it to them, at times that are good for everyone involved, etc. Children, however, are damn well children and it is the responsibility of caregiver adults to fulfill their needs and TEACH THEM how to fulfill their needs as they grow.
*holds a lighter aloft*
That is such a good rant, I adore it and welcome it and validate it! raising a cub of my own, and caring a lot about attachment theory, has really put this into practice in concrete ways. You can actually OBSERVE the cub needing attention to make their brain grow. (sometimes, when I don’t have anything left to say/give, but the cub needs attention, I just smile and burble repeatedly, “Warm eye contact! Warm eye contact to make your brain grow!! Yeahh! Warm eye contact! Positive attention!” because I’ve run out of things to say, but the baby doesn’t know that yet, ho ho ho)
But Discoursing away from baby development, one thing I always question is the CONTEXT for which people dismiss behavior as attention-seeking. It’s always cast as this terribly bad thing, “attention-seeking,” as if people noticing you is this corrosive thing that damages you and everyone around you. This thing that should be punished, by denying attention, like:
“Ugh! how dare you exist!”
“I really hate it when babies have needs!”
“The worst part is when babies have needs and they EXPRESS them.”
“She has dyed her hair a noticeable color. Probably because she didn’t get enough attention from her father, and she is now trying to use her hair to STEAL ATTENTION from everybody else.”
“That outfit, which shows some skin, has attracted my attention – isn’t that awful? They should be punished, for using their visible skin to seek attention.”
“How dare you blog, where I can find it and see it with my own eyes.”
“Why are you EXCELLING at something? Ugh! Always doing it for attention.”
“Why are you FAILING at something? Ugh! Weren’t you getting ENOUGH attention?”
“That sounds complicated. I think you’re making it up. Making it up for attention.”
“I went somewhere and – can you believe this – there was a young person, quite a young human, MAKING A NOISE, where I could hear it, and their caretakers did not forcibly stop it from doing so!! Honestly. People should be licensed before they have children.”
“I just saw a reminder that some people use special accommodation [blue badge/designated parking spot/baby on board sticker/service dog/etc] and I am just so SICK of people rubbing their CONSTANT need for attention in my FACE.”
You know how in Harry Potter, whatever Harry does, his bullies and abusers say that he’s doing it for attention, so they dismiss it and mock it? If he publicly has ANYTHING, from a mild compliment to a broken limb – “Weren’t you getting enough attention, Potter?”
“Look at you EXISTING, Potter. Were you hoping to form some kind of human connection? Did you think you could exist, and occasionally need things? Well, we’ve seen through THAT pathetic ploy. REQUEST DENIED.”
It’s pretty weird, is what I’m saying. It’s kind of a thing that shitty people say.
Anyway, I’ve found it pretty liberating in my life (and good for my mental health!) to question this. Why is attention-seeking positioned as bad? Why is asking for it a good reason to be denied it? Why are certain people denied attention, such that everything they do is cast as a desperate ploy to acquire the attention they are not entitled to? How exactly does the existence of crying baby, a woman’s pink hair, or a blue badge apparently manage to suck all of the air out of the room?
Given that we are social animals who require positive attention to grow, maintain relationships, keep our mental health and do our jobs well, what’s so bad about giving it to people?
Given that so many humans are raised in such a broken way that they seek negative attention – resulting in terrible things and a broken world – what is even so terrible about people explicitly asking for attention in a positive way, with something like brightly colored hair, or by creating a piece of art for others to see?
Why is attention-seeking intrinsically bad?
so here’s some meta: the ones who get angry about attention seeking behavior… are seeking attention by doing so.
i have occasionally pointed out that the things people do/say to hurt you betray what they themselves are most hurt by. what i haven’t said is how i first learned that: by observing how often touch-starved allistics described my touch aversion as ‘attention seeking’ when i was a kid.
me: pls stop touching, i need alone time, for god’s sake please let me leave
them: god you’re so needy you’ll do anything for attention
me: i’m trying to avoid attention… to get attention?
them: well obviously it’s working!
it didn’t take long for me to realize that if they were seeing everything i did as a desperate attempt to get contact, they must be lonely as hell.
how is this shitty parenting if i tell you to be home at a certain time you better be there. Shit my mom would have been out looking for me.
Right? How is this shitty at all?? If i tell you to be home at a certain time you better be there or else you aren’t allowed in the home. I care about my kids safety so much I’ll endanger them when they dont listen to me.
i do not have the energy to explain why this is a shitty thing to do but yeah it’s shit
I do! If you’re gonna be a vindictive little shit to your kids,you shouldn’t be having them. Having abusive parents like the ones up here fucked up my perception of love and affection.
I got locked out of the house all the time just like this poor kid. Do you know how fucking cold it gets at night? NO because you’re cushy and comfortable behind those decorated glass doors! I slept in 30
°F weather. I was on the swim team so I had to wake up and run with the team at 5 am then go to class. I’d wake up with frozen hair and bugs crawling on me. I’d start crying and it would rain fucking cold water. I had no friends in the neighborhood to go to. I’m still somewhat scared of the dark.
There’s wild animals and predatory strangers and shit out there. You’re gonna put your fucking CHILD in that situation and FAIL to be their guardian at one of the most important times of day just because they made it home late? Kids make fucking mistakes, and if you aren’t prepared for that, you shouldn’t even have pets. You’re not a caretaker, you’re a lazy abusive perfectionist snot. I’d kick your ass if you were my neighbor and I saw you pulling this shit! No joke!
My roommate talks all the time about how if her kids mess around she’d smack them around, but she and a LOT of other people do not understand that punishments like those are abuse. They fuck your kid up for life.
If you leave a kid out in the cold they’re more likely to get into more trouble/danger to keep warm anyway. Who’s gonna take your kid into their home? Do you even give a shit what happens to them? No because you wanted to play god and get back at someone who is still developing. Be a fucking adult.
Your kid is not a robot. It’s so shitty these parents have done this kind of stuff before and have NOT given the kid a blanket.
Neglect is the chronic inattention or omission on the part of the care giver to provide for the basic emotional and/or physical needs of the child, including food, clothing, nutrition, adequate supervision, health, hygiene, safety, medical and psychological care and education. Emotionally neglected children do not receive the necessary psychological nurturance to foster their own growth and development. The consequences of neglect can be very serious, particularly for young children. The child who does not receive adequate emotional, cognitive and physical stimulation, physical care and nutrition may experience lags in development. These lags in development may be irreversible.
SOME FORMS OF ABUSE & NEGLECT:
*Rejection, ignorance and isolation
*A lack of shelter
*Emotional neglect or lack of supervision
*Deliberate locking children out of the house
So if you think pulling this childish bullshit is ok, I will break into your house and steal whatever funds it takes to care for your child. I’ll fight you in the morning because you’re a garbage human being.
Stop teaching your damn kid they’re worthless. YOU made them.
Stop being your child’s enemy, start being their actual fucking caretaker.
Just so y’all know… in the state of Texas, this is grounds for me to call CPS on your ass.
And I will, too.
Same in Illinois and I fucking will.
TBH all the people coming out in support of locking kids outside for missing curfew need to just not have kids
Reminder that one of the victims of Ted Bundy (the serial killer) was locked out of her house because of missing curfew, and he offered his “help.”
This can get your child KILLED.
Also, not everyone chooses to get home late.
There may be traffic, or an accident of some kind, or they may simply have a shit sense of time or direction.
I hope that these parents got called out and arrested for child abuse.
Also people in the comments saying that “y’all wouldn’t survive in a poc household”: stop normalizing child abuse as a cultural or racial thing. If you let your children sleep outside like they’re a fucking dog you won’t be able to pull out the “this is how poc raise their kids” in court when I call the cops on your abusive ass
If you seriously think child abuse is a part of “PoC” culture (whatever the fuck that means, since apparently a korean is the same as a south african and a mexican lol), then you may want to seriously think about how racist you are.
i got locked out by accident a couple times when i missed curfew – parents zoned out on their bedtime routine and forgot i wasn’t already in bed asleep – and the second time i had to ring the doorbell and wake them up to let me in, they got me my own key. because the thought of me not being able to get inside scared the hell out of them, even if i was in trouble for being late. for being late, my punishment was extra chores. because my parents weren’t fucking psychopaths.
oh, and to the people saying “if the kid can’t follow the rules they obviously don’t want to live here,” your conclusion is bullshit and you need to rethink your parenting strategy pronto. although it’s probably already too late for your children. they WILL need therapy their entire lives.
the reason i was always missing curfew was because of executive dysfunction. i’d be watching a movie at a friend’s house and everything else would cease to exist for me. i literally could not remember to check the time – hell, i wouldn’t even notice i had to go to the bathroom unless someone else paused the movie. if my friends got a wild hair to marathon the whole star wars trilogy i would have no clue it was 3am until their parents came down to the basement going “wtf guys??”
teenagers in general are bad at keeping track of background obligations like watching the time, and if they’ve got any kind of neurological disability – or are just stressed out, which most teens are, and stress causes executive dysfunction even in neurotypicals – it’s going to be even harder.
if you think endangering your child’s health is an appropriate punishment for absentmindedness, you are a shitty, shitty parent. there’s no excuse for that. i don’t care how angry or upset you are, and neither does fucking CPS. you forfeit your right to take care of another human being because you have completely failed at making their wellbeing a greater priority than your mood.
how is this shitty parenting if i tell you to be home at a certain time you better be there. Shit my mom would have been out looking for me.
Right? How is this shitty at all?? If i tell you to be home at a certain time you better be there or else you aren’t allowed in the home. I care about my kids safety so much I’ll endanger them when they dont listen to me.
i do not have the energy to explain why this is a shitty thing to do but yeah it’s shit
I do! If you’re gonna be a vindictive little shit to your kids,you shouldn’t be having them. Having abusive parents like the ones up here fucked up my perception of love and affection.
I got locked out of the house all the time just like this poor kid. Do you know how fucking cold it gets at night? NO because you’re cushy and comfortable behind those decorated glass doors! I slept in 30
°F weather. I was on the swim team so I had to wake up and run with the team at 5 am then go to class. I’d wake up with frozen hair and bugs crawling on me. I’d start crying and it would rain fucking cold water. I had no friends in the neighborhood to go to. I’m still somewhat scared of the dark.
There’s wild animals and predatory strangers and shit out there. You’re gonna put your fucking CHILD in that situation and FAIL to be their guardian at one of the most important times of day just because they made it home late? Kids make fucking mistakes, and if you aren’t prepared for that, you shouldn’t even have pets. You’re not a caretaker, you’re a lazy abusive perfectionist snot. I’d kick your ass if you were my neighbor and I saw you pulling this shit! No joke!
My roommate talks all the time about how if her kids mess around she’d smack them around, but she and a LOT of other people do not understand that punishments like those are abuse. They fuck your kid up for life.
If you leave a kid out in the cold they’re more likely to get into more trouble/danger to keep warm anyway. Who’s gonna take your kid into their home? Do you even give a shit what happens to them? No because you wanted to play god and get back at someone who is still developing. Be a fucking adult.
Your kid is not a robot. It’s so shitty these parents have done this kind of stuff before and have NOT given the kid a blanket.
Neglect is the chronic inattention or omission on the part of the care giver to provide for the basic emotional and/or physical needs of the child, including food, clothing, nutrition, adequate supervision, health, hygiene, safety, medical and psychological care and education. Emotionally neglected children do not receive the necessary psychological nurturance to foster their own growth and development. The consequences of neglect can be very serious, particularly for young children. The child who does not receive adequate emotional, cognitive and physical stimulation, physical care and nutrition may experience lags in development. These lags in development may be irreversible.
SOME FORMS OF ABUSE & NEGLECT:
*Rejection, ignorance and isolation
*A lack of shelter
*Emotional neglect or lack of supervision
*Deliberate locking children out of the house
So if you think pulling this childish bullshit is ok, I will break into your house and steal whatever funds it takes to care for your child. I’ll fight you in the morning because you’re a garbage human being.
Stop teaching your damn kid they’re worthless. YOU made them.
Stop being your child’s enemy, start being their actual fucking caretaker.
Just so y’all know… in the state of Texas, this is grounds for me to call CPS on your ass.
And I will, too.
Same in Illinois and I fucking will.
TBH all the people coming out in support of locking kids outside for missing curfew need to just not have kids
Reminder that one of the victims of Ted Bundy (the serial killer) was locked out of her house because of missing curfew, and he offered his “help.”
This can get your child KILLED.
Also, not everyone chooses to get home late.
There may be traffic, or an accident of some kind, or they may simply have a shit sense of time or direction.
I hope that these parents got called out and arrested for child abuse.
Also people in the comments saying that “y’all wouldn’t survive in a poc household”: stop normalizing child abuse as a cultural or racial thing. If you let your children sleep outside like they’re a fucking dog you won’t be able to pull out the “this is how poc raise their kids” in court when I call the cops on your abusive ass
If you seriously think child abuse is a part of “PoC” culture (whatever the fuck that means, since apparently a korean is the same as a south african and a mexican lol), then you may want to seriously think about how racist you are.
i got locked out by accident a couple times when i missed curfew – parents zoned out on their bedtime routine and forgot i wasn’t already in bed asleep – and the second time i had to ring the doorbell and wake them up to let me in, they got me my own key. because the thought of me not being able to get inside scared the hell out of them, even if i was in trouble for being late. for being late, my punishment was extra chores. because my parents weren’t fucking psychopaths.
oh, and to the people saying “if the kid can’t follow the rules they obviously don’t want to live here,” your conclusion is bullshit and you need to rethink your parenting strategy pronto. although it’s probably already too late for your children. they WILL need therapy their entire lives.
the reason i was always missing curfew was because of executive dysfunction. i’d be watching a movie at a friend’s house and everything else would cease to exist for me. i literally could not remember to check the time – hell, i wouldn’t even notice i had to go to the bathroom unless someone else paused the movie. if my friends got a wild hair to marathon the whole star wars trilogy i would have no clue it was 3am until their parents came down to the basement going “wtf guys??”
teenagers in general are bad at keeping track of background obligations like watching the time, and if they’ve got any kind of neurological disability – or are just stressed out, which most teens are, and stress causes executive dysfunction even in neurotypicals – it’s going to be even harder.
if you think endangering your child’s health is an appropriate punishment for absentmindedness, you are a shitty, shitty parent. there’s no excuse for that. i don’t care how angry or upset you are, and neither does fucking CPS. you forfeit your right to take care of another human being because you have completely failed at making their wellbeing a greater priority than your mood.
I actually think this was pretty responsible. Rather than banning it outright, which would result in kids wanting to rebel even more, she offers it in her home where she can control the amount people drink. Good on ya, Mrs George. You’re a cool mom.
She also offered her daughter a condom when she was hooking up with a guy instead of freaking out and kicking the guy out of the house.
It’s kinda funny how she is simultaneously an out-there parent, yet not a bad one. She might actually understand that her daughter is a anger-ridden teenager who can’t be easily controlled and restricted, so instead of telling her what she can’t do, she tries to guide her to a safer decision. I’m not saying I’m 100% cool with how she executes it, but hey, not a bad parent when you think about it.
next up on tumblr: psychoanalysing the mean girls mother.
I think all the talk about participation trophies is bs, mostly because I saw in real-time how Conservatives in the US constructed the myth in the 80s and how it has always been used to attack both the idea that children should feel good about themselves about anything other than pushing around and policing other kids, and the idea parents should be good to their kids; while promoting the idea that kids were properly property that parents ought to be able to treat however they damn well please with zero outside intervention. But also because I frankly never saw the damn things to begin with. I saw plenty of trophies, and all the ones I saw were given out for perfectly sensible reasons, visibly appreciated by the kids receiving them.
BUT, having said that, I DO think there is a certain well-intentioned tendency in the parenting of securely middle-class parents
(can’t speak to other classes because this is the only parenting I ever saw)
of the Boomer and X gens that had some unintended negative repercussions, and that is the tendency to play down mistakes.
Let me lay a scene:
A child is doing something and they make a mistake. They say to their parent “I’ve made a mistake”. Now these parents, interpreting Dr. Spock’s advice through their own experiences of(almost invariably) having been raised by real assholes whose idea of “parenting” was mean-spirited insults and physical abuse and even worse, respond to this by doing the exact opposite of what they’re parents would have done, they Negate it. “No, NoNo,” the parent says, “it’s fine, it’s Fine! You’re doing perfect :)”
Now, what the parent THINKS they’re doing in this situation is building the child’s confidence in their abilities. What they are REALLY doing, though, is teaching the child to doubt their own ability to assess situations, and particularly their own performance. The child had an idea in their head of how things should have turned out, likely based on instructions. Things didn’t turn out that way and maybe they also realize they didn’t follow the instructions correctly. So they say, based on the evidence, “I made a mistake”. Yet the parent -from a place of kindness!- tells them they didn’t. So they learn that their judgement is flawed. Is it any wonder that kids constantly exposed to this grow up to be perfectionists, to NEED to know they’ve done everything possible in their minds to make something right because they can’t trust how they think or feel about it, who always ask for the opinions of others, particularly superiors, on how their work turned out before moving on?
Instead, I feel like they should have responded like this:
Kid: “I made a mistake” Parent: “You think so buddy?” K: “Yes” P: “Why do you think you made a mistake?” K:”Because of this.” P: “Hmm, could be. What do you think you did wrong?” K: “I think I did this wrong. I was supposed to do THIS, and I did this instead.” P: “Hmm, well, that makes sense. But Even though you made a mistake, that doesn’t mean everything’s messed up.” K: “It doesn’t?” P: “Nope! We can fix it *optional head ruffle* :] *proceeds to troubleshoot the problem or start the project over again with supervision, to avoid the mistake together*” –End Scene–
This is just as positive, affirms the child’s judgement, teaches them to pay attention to and think critically about their feelings and thoughts and actions, and it shows them that mistakes aren’t this terrible and shameful thing to be avoided, but rather normal, everyday obstacles that can be overcome with dedication, a calm mind, and thinking things through.
There is an alternate to this that is worse. The child, while doing the project, is confused about something and asks for parental advice; the parent says “do it this way.” This way doesn’t work out, and the child says “I made a mistake” or “I did this wrong and it didn’t work”(because, of course, it’s a very rare child who will say to a parent “your advice was wrong” from the get go). The parent then says, “No no; it’s find, it’s Fine; it’s perfect: Everything is Perfect, you’re just worrying about nothing, don’t beat yourself up about it.”
This is worse because, not only does it do all that the first example does, but it also teaches the child that the parent expects to be treated as if they’re omnipotent and incapable of making mistakes. This has a whole host of other, terrible, repercussions all its own: the child now feels responsible for their parent’s emotional state, they will be anxious over questioning the parent in other, possibly more urgent, situations, they will learn that one shouldn’t admit mistakes and errors leading them to react negatively to them -and moreso to being called on them- in future, and it will make it difficult for them to question authority figures generally, since humans naturally conceive of authority figures through familial/parental metaphor.
And of course, both bad -but well meaning!- responses put the child in a position of having to argue for their mistakes and flaws, against your “defense” of them as something they can never be: a perfect person. AND of having to go against your position if they want to repair the mistake to their liking. These are really shitty positions to put anybody in, let alone a kid.
I mean, I get the impulse, I really do, and obviously there are much worse things parents can do to their children, but it’s really no surprise that a gen raised this way would display the perfectionism, self-doubt, preference for outside input, difficulty finishing projects, and anxiety over performance in formal settings that so often get associated with Millennials.
Ways you can tell someone is from a ‘strict’ household on reddit. All of these are signs of abuse.
All of this.
For me, the revelation was this comic by Matt Groening from the Childhood is Hell collection
It was the part about “Never Tell Anyone What Goes On In This Family” that hit me. I got that EXACT LINE VERBATIM from my parents on several occasions. Back when I was little, I guess I considered it as “I suppose they just value privacy or something” but only in my later years did I realize how much it could be manipulated for ill intent.
If a child is overwhelmed, remove them from the overwhelming situation.
If a child is hungry or tired, address those needs.
If they are throwing a tantrum in the department store, take them somewhere quiet and let them cry until they are calm. They’re probably just bored or cramped or overwhelmed and need a minute.
Address the cause of misbehavior, not how it manifests.
Make sure things like transitions, when you are leaving or moving on, are clearly communicated. Sudden transitions can be a huge trigger for tantrums. Best to try and mitigate with proper advance notice.
Explain your reasons to children when you are enforcing rules
Listen to children when they explain their objections to rules. You don’t have to agree with them all the time, but you should listen.
Understand that you, the adult, can also be overwhelmed, tired, hungry, and frustrated too. Acknowledge, to your kids, out loud, how these things are impacting you and apologize if you snap at them unfairly. Again, this is modeling emotional response.
Make the rules clear, simple, and consistent. Don’t change what the rules are based on your mood that day, or if you must, explain it before hand. If you normally let them play video games in the car, but you can’t today because your head hurts and your driving to a new place and you need to concentrate so you don’t want the sound to distract you- explain that to your kids. If they counter with “I have head phones. Is that ok?” Then, yeah. It’s ok.
If you need to have consequences for their actions, then actually follow through. Don’t threaten with consequences that you won’t really do. That makes it a lie, and makes it super ineffective in the future.
Make consequences fit the behavior. Explain why that is the consequence.
Some good consequences might include: cleaning up a mess they made, taking a cool down time for a few minutes, not getting to a special treat like a trip to the movie theater with their friends, etc. Remember, we are trying to avoid physical pain as a form of punishment.
Speak to children respectfully and prompt them to speak respectfully back.
Choices. Give kids a reasonable, manageable number of choices. Do you want to wear the green shirt or the blue shirt? Do you want Cheerios or waffles? Carrots or green beans? Do you want to give grandma a hug or a high five? Older kids can handle more choices than younger ones.
General rule of thumb: You aren’t trying to raise an obedient child. You’re trying to raise a thoughtful, respectful adult. And you have to be a role model, not just in what you say, but also in what you do.
just moving along like everyone else 