Derek’s favorite version of Dex is the Dex that flickers like the soft light of a candle. The Dex that doesn’t pretend that he hates being held, the Dex that whispers in Derek’s ear about his day like it’s a secret, like Derek is the only person allowed to hear the mundane facts of Dex’s life, what he ate for lunch, what Angelina from stats told him about Professor Greene. The Dex that likes to kiss Derek’s nose and eyes twice each because he doesn’t like odd numbers. The Dex who will hold Derek’s face in his hands and press their foreheads together. Who has cinnamon eyes and when he tells Derek he loves him, he believes it.
Derek’s favorite version of Dex is the Dex that skitters around like a bunny in spring. The Dex that forces him to sit down and watch the 1960s Star Trek only to talk over it the entire time. The Dex that will hook his chin over Derek’s shoulder and say “mmm yes” in a horrible impression of Yoda. The Dex that blows raspberries into his stomach when he’s drunk and sometimes when he’s sober. The Dex who has a Boba Fett action figure on his nightstand just in case. The Dex that will hold his hand when they walk into the video game store every single time.
Derek’s favorite version of Dex is the Dex who burns down cities with the slightest spark. The Dex who presses Derek down into the mattress and moans in his ear, makes his whole body throb with want. The Dex that will storm out after an intense fight and leaves him breathless. Who kisses like he wants to sear the taste of anyone else from Derek’s mouth, leaves bruises like scattered rose petals on his skin. The Dex that cries angry tears, who gets angrier the more they fall, like water thrown on a gas fire.
Derek’s favorite version of Dex is the Dex with a bleeding heart. The Dex who will donate a dollar at every drive thru. The Dex with a chip on his shoulder. The Dex who quite literally gives people the shirt off his back. Who can’t pass by a homeless person without giving them something. The Dex that can barely afford to eat every month who gives and gives and gives until he can’t anymore. The Dex who picks up strays every weekend just by “coincidence.” The Dex who sometimes can’t sleep at night because he knows someone out there is hurting. The Dex that makes Derek desperate to be better.
Derek’s favorite version of Dex is the Dex that is steadfast, dependable. Competent, in every sense of the word. The Dex that fixes the dryer and the oven and the shower every other week. The Dex that actually has a toolbox with his initials on it. The Dex that has a budget and can stick to it. The Dex who already knows about taxes and social security. The Dex who works on his truck for fun. The Dex Derek knows he could probably marry, have the 2.5 kids and the white picket fence with. The Dex who makes forever feel possible.
Derek’s favorite version of Dex, is Dex. The Dex who cries at the end of Forrest Gump, who listens to Black Dog by Led Zeppelin on repeat. The Dex who has no table manners, who shovels food in his mouth like he’s angry at it. The Dex who is unendingly wheezy in the spring, and burns after ten minutes in the sun. The Dex who hates reading and doesn’t get art and really has no clue where “to thine own self be true” came from. Dex, who never really let Derek have a honeymoon phase. Dex, who Derek is wildly, hopelessly, boundlessly in love with.
Ok but what if for Halloween Dex wears a bad blond wig and glasses and Nursey wears a white snapback and salmon shorts
OK but the best thing about that is that Ransom and Holster CANNOT figure out who they are in costume as, and it just gets funnier as the night goes on because they keep guessing wrong.
Okay but then as they get more drunk they start hyperbolically acting out scenes from Ransom and Holsters life and they keep getting more and more touchy feely and ridiculous as the night goes on.
Dex: Bro…Share a beer with me bro…
Nursey: Bro…I’m going to fucking cherish that beer with you bro..
Dex: I just..I need you to know that this is such a special fucking moment for me man…
Nursey: Bro…
Holster: Bro…Are they like….a Meme…or something?
Ransom: I don’t know man…Hey share a beer with me bro?
Holster: Wait.
UM BUT WAIT
Lardo and Shitty go as Jack & Bitty. And this is Lardo and Shits we’re talking about so, it’s subversion galore. What does that mean? That mean Lardo is Jack and Shitty is Bits.
-Lardo goes all out with the contouring. I’m talking chiseled cheekbones, jawline. Blue contacts. Styles her hair like Jack, gets some Adidas track pants and a black t shirt.
-Shitty doesn’t shave his mustache, but he trims it so its not so bushy. He puts on a blonde wig and gets Lardo to style it. He gets a cute little button up, but that’s not the clincher. He puts on the TEENIEST little shorts, which just barely cover his ass and nads.
– Lardo wears a muscle suit and pads her butt with foam. She stands around frowning at everyone with her arms crossed. Jack sees her and says “I don’t do that.” AS HE’S STANDING THERE WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED, FROWNING.
-Shitty takes on a horrible southern accent and makes up incredibly bizarre exclamations (“mercy May heaven biscuits!”). He keeps draping himself suggestively over furniture, and Bitty keeps laughing so hard he cries.
-Lardo starts eating protein powder out of the tub with a spoon. Shitty starts peeling apples.
-its all fun and games until Shitty squats and his balls fall out of his shorts in front of everyone.
If someone would like to draw Dex in the Haus kitchen, wearing an apron and mixing ingredients, while Nursey looks on with heart eyes, that would be so amazing I’d scream.
The implications of that past tense are….interesting.
Dex has known Shitty for two years. What does he call him now?
“Now KPC,” you may say, “he doesn’t really call him anything now because he’s not at Samwell anym–”
“Shhh,” I say, gently laying a finger on your supple lips, “there’s literally a panel last update where Dex and Shitty are seen cheering on the Falcs together.”
“Okay,” you concede, “but where are you going with this?”
“I’m going to the obvious conclusion:” I draw out the words before pausing for dramatic effect. “Dex, through what are probably hilariously mundane circumstances, found out Shitty’s first name.”
bitty: it’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them
jack: in terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin
shitty: eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs
lardo: i have had a very long day. i am very small and i have no money. so you can imagine the kind of stress i am under
ransom: holster and i have a new house. it was built in the ’20s, but it was flipped in 2014. which means it’s haunted, but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash
holster: nothing that i know can help you with your car ever. unless you’re like, “hey, i’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about 30 rock”?
chowder: it’s fun to be married. i’ve never been supervised before. i’m supervised. farmer studies what i do, like an anthropologist. she’ll be like, “sometimes, he will watch a movie on tv even though he already owns that movie on dvd. pointing this out to confuses and upsets him”
nursey: the bad guy would hold the joint in a villainous way. they’d always offer the joint in a way that no one ever holds a joint. like it’s a skull in a shakespeare play
dex: i’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day, i’ll die
tango: ah… numbers, the letters of math
whiskey: sometimes babies will point at me, and i don’t care for that shit at all
Eric Richard “Bitty” Bittle would absolutely destroy the competition if he ever competed on cutthroat kitchen because he would seem to be this sweet little baker to the other contestants and then it would switch to the personal commentary and he would have this terrifying smile on his face and he would just say “my boyfriend is an NHL star and I have my own restaurant I don’t need the money I am going to win this” and then he just comes out and kills every challenge and is still this sweet little baker boy and everyone is stunned
when bitty wins he just smiles and congratulates the other competitors and he still acts so sweet and innocent and says he’s gonna go donate everything to charity and everyone loves him
alton brown has never been this impressed and scared in his life
Bitty would be great because you would think he’s sweet and adorable and about to get steam rolled into the first round, and then surprise, he is the definition of cutthroat.
“I used to play hockey with my husband back in College, and I kind of miss that feeling of completely crushing your opponents.” (Later on you find out his husband is an NHL player…)
“Tiffany thinks she can get into my head, but bless her heart, she has no clue what she’s doing.”
Also, imagine one of the challenges is them cooking with their families, and everybody is expecting him to bring his NHL husband.
Bitty looks at the camera and starts laughing. “Oh Lord, no, absolutely no. I love Jack and he has gotten a lot better at following instructions, but I came here to win and I’m afraid Jack just doesn’t have what it takes to work in my kitchen. I brought the big guns.”
Bitty introduces Moo-Maw, who looks like a delicate little old lady and is about 80, and everybody is side eyeing him because of his choice, and then the competition start and Moo-Maw fucking throws down.
The two of them are like a hurricane in the kitchen and while they cook they have enough time to gossip/share stories.
“When are you and Jack giving me some great-grandbabies Eric?”
“Moo-Maw please not now.”
“I am not getting any younger you know! I am old and who knows how much time I have left in this world,” she says while smashing nuts with the wooden hammer and making the whole counter rattle. The camera man takes a step back.
Jack gets interviewed and somebody asks what he thinks of that “not having what it takes to cook in his husband’s kitchen comment.”
He just look at the reporter very seriously and replies. “I once helped with thanksgiving dinner and I have never feared for my safety like I did that day. My only job was doing the mash potatoes.”
I need someone to write more of this, like, yesterday.
Bitty is a strong baker in general, but quickly apparent to the other participants is that he is incredible at any of the challenges involving having to bake using random ingredients.
The other participants notice this pretty quickly, and ask him his secret. He just laughs and explains that when you’ve got a team of random hockey boys filling the fridge with all sorts of random odds and ends that suddenly need to be cooked to avoid wastage, you learn to adapt. They all think he’s exaggerating until he tells them the story about the avocado, bacon and cheese muffins with tabasco and the zucchini and apple cake.
The best part is when the story makes it to social media and then the rest of the Samwell alumni from the Haus both confirm that these dishes really happened and want to know how come Bitty hasn’t told anyone about the Peanut Butter Banana Bread with Maple Glaze that he made that one time because he thought Jack sounded homesick.
(Jack explains to them that they are all dead to him because now his nutritionist has added this too to Jack’s banned food list. 😦 )
And then there’s this one time that the oven isn’t working right, and Bitty figures this out pretty quickly, but also manages to salvage his dish and go on to win the round.
Alton Brown: “…that oven was malfunctioning.”
Bitty: “Oh heavens, compared to old Betsy, that was nothing!”
Other contestants: <are increasingly convinced that Bitty is a baking witch.>
just moving along like everyone else 