He hates his courses and he hates his major and he hates this competition and he hates this pressure and he hates med school. There, he said it. He hates med school. He doesn’t want to go to med school.
Each morning he wakes up and dreads going to class, each night he trudges to the library and dreads opening his books. Biology used to be fun, he thinks, but not like this. Not like this.
He feels stuck.
It was never a question of if he would go to med school, really, but rather where he would go to med school. Med school was the constant. His parents wanted a doctor for a child. He wanted to make them proud.
…. but I have a slightly different view of the whole debacle.
I don’t like Kent Parson, but he is one of my favorite characters.
Let me explain. In real life, I would probably hate him. But as a character I find him fucking fascinating. Like I could go on and on about why this character fascinates me so much. He’s sympathetic, but still wrong.
So watch as I attempt to take apart Kent and his relationship with Jack all the while listening to Green Day’s latest single.
ransom gets a ph.d in biology and does teaching and research. in other words, he becomes a brofessor.
in all seriousness though, ransom being prof sounds so…nice.
Dr. O.
chili peppers on ratemyprofessor
often opens lecture with a story from college
makes “…and I had a nickname!” and everyone guessing that nickname a running joke
when he draws molecular structures on the chalkboard, he draws the O in oxygen to look like him
super accommodating to student athletes and students with mental illnesses
like he’s also HOT and other profs are like ~*i know i’m no justin oluransi*~ as a joke
in a lecture about concussions he puts a press picture of jack zimmermann in hockey gear on one slide and then in the next slide, puts that picture of jack and him on canada day and captions it “I worry about him everyday” and everyone loses their shit
cancels a lecture after the hockey team makes the playoffs
Okay now that I stopped my original freak out over how perfect this is…
You know he’s one of those professors that’s so accommodating to his students’ learning styles and disabilities.
He’s got like six different versions of his tests, ranging from the standard written exam to an oral exam. He’ll even accept a video or something, where the student explains what they know.
His policy is basically “show me that you understand the material and you’ll pass.”
He also understands the importance of having a personal life in addition to the studious life.
He’s totally the professor from that “weekend homework” post where students have to like switch religions for a day, master karate, or call their mother/father.
He has all his students write a “college bucket list” at the beginning of the semester and will give extra credit if you cross something (legal) off it and write a short paper about the experience. You have to tie it into biology, though.
Ie. “I did this thing and here’s how the chemicals in my brain reacted/here’s how my vitals changed.”
He teaches a low-level biology class that’s geared towards non-science majors. Everyone wants to take it to fill their science requirement.
The wait list is basically half the student body population.
It’s mostly athletes who get into the class, since they get to register for classes earlier than everyone else.
The list to be one of his TA’s is just as long as the wait lists for all his classes. He tries to take as many as possible, but the University has a limit that he has to adhere to.
He handles dissection better than any other professor. He basically runs two subsets of it: the “doers” and the “watchers.”
The “doers” are all the kids who want to dissect. He’ll schedule extra lab time and let them dissect whatever they want (within reason) during that time.
The “watchers” are the kids who don’t want to physically dissect anything. They have to have the experience, but he’ll do the dissections for them so they don’t have to.
He’s pretty open about his personal life and background, especially his status as a former DI athlete. He constantly uses his experiences to explain the stuff in lectures.
Every freshman gets heartbroken a little when they find out he’s married. Every freshman girl gets more heartbroken when they find out he’s married to a man. It doesn’t change everyone’s heart eyes, though. Chili peppers galore.
He hosts study sessions in his home on Sundays for his students. He provides snacks and has an open door all day for whoever needs help.
One time, Jack is in town for a game and stops in to say hi. His students collectively lose their shit.
He’s won Professor of the Year honors four years in a row.
hope it’s okay that i’m adding to this:
• the first time he shows up in glasses (bc i like to imagine he wears them from time to time) everyone freaks tf out
• he still plays hockey every now and then ((but doesn’t have as much time as he used to)) so most of his students have seen him in his athletic bro clothes AND his nice suits
• jack gave him his bobblehead giveaway as a joke but what he doesn’t know is that it’s actually sitting on ransom’s desk and he talks to it from time to time
• his students are used to it
• an internal collective sigh comes from all his students whenever he turns around to write on the whiteboard bc Hockey Butt™
• gives his students pie after they finish his exam (s/o to bitty)
• also keeps a pic of him and the team on his desk to remind him of the good ol’ college days
• likes to practice the heavier lectures a day before he gives them after hours
• holster likes to keep him company when he does this and sits in the seats higher up to get a better feel for the lesson
• the Cool Professor™
• uses every other pen colour except red when marking assignments and tests bc he knows how bad it could feel when seeing red ink all over your paper
• his very first day teaching his students thought he would be tough but they soon learn that he’s just like them just more mature
• the background of his laptop is a picture of him and holster that jack took of them a few years back and everyone ‘aw’s when they see it when he connects his laptop to the projector
• likes to walk around the lecture hall, not just stay down in the front and pace ((he’ll even sit on the stairs))
bonus:
• shitty forgot that the schedules change in the second semester and decides to skype/facetime ransom while he’s in the middle of a lecture
• and ransom HAS to pick up the call or else shitty will just keep calling
• “shitty this better be important i’m in the middle of a lecture” and shitty is just. SCREAMING. about Douchey McAsshole today in the courtroom
• and his laptop is still connected to the projector so his students get an eyeful of the one and only shitty knight
• shitty is also now a big hotshot lawyer at this point so mostly everyone and their dog know his name
• ransom just sits down at his desk and let’s shitty rant to him about Douchey McAsshole and in one particular part of the rant/re-telling, his students laugh
• that’s when shitty realizes he probably interrupted ransom’s lesson and apologizes
• ransom eventually just turns the laptop around so it’s facing his students and shitty can see them
• they spend the rest of the lecture time asking shitty questions
• both ransom and shitty give good life advice to the class
• when they’re done with shitty, the first question to come out of their mouth (after getting over their initial shock and amazement) is: “dr. o why did you call [redacted) knight ‘shitty’?”
• remembered as The Great Shitty Lecture of 2kwhatever
Okay but honestly the thing with the red pen reminds me of my one teacher in high school who always used all these different colored pens on our journal assignments. And he wouldn’t write much but he would draw pictures or scribbles. He only used red if it was obvious you put absolutely no effort into the assignment. Everyone thought there was this secret code for what color he used and the scribbles he drew. Like yellow meant your argument was balanced and blue meant you were being too passive. A bunch of circles meant you were talking in circles and needed to refine your point.
Then at the end of the year he told us all that the colors didn’t mean anything, he just didn’t like using red to grade. And the scribbles didn’t necessarily mean anything either, he would just make them in places he wanted you to take a second look at and let you decide if you want to revise it on your own. Or if he thought your journal was good on it’s own he would draw a picture based on your topic just so he knew that he’d looked at it already.
This was kinda like a philosophy class and obviously we’re talking about Ransom the biology professor, but I feel like it’s something he would adopt and make his own.
“keep shooting right at the breadbasket, man, i’m sure it’ll go through him eventually”
“yo, stripes, does your wife know you’re screwing us?”
after literally anyone touches bitty or nursey: “do it again and be ready to drop your fucking gloves, you fucking duster”
“hey tendy, we’re not playing dodgeball, buddy.”
to a fourth-liner before a faceoff: “hey, does your coach know you’re out here?”
after someone dives: “hey buddy did you just trip over the blue line? fucking bender”
also he has absolutely called someone a pigeon and then cooed at them
à la claude giroux
he only uses these chirps when he’s not actually that mad. when he’s really mad it’s all just “fuck you” and the occasional “drop your gloves, make my fucking day”
no one ever fights him bc he looks fucking crazy when he’s mad
he’s only ever gotten in one fight, actually, and the dude dropped the gloves on him bc he skated over to him after a shift and just laughed and said “bro, you’re terrible at hockey”
ransom and holster put it on the wall in the basement as the simplest and most effective chirp in SMH history
sorry for posting an entire long twitter thread but this is really good and important imo (caps are in order, click to read, original tweet is here)
I’ll add that the queer hockey comic they are talking about is Check, Please! which is also written by a black woman and doing absolute gangbusters on Kickster.
I just got emotional about the idea of Shitty being all “you don’t understand prejudice because you’re white and a man” toward Holster one day, and my boy Adam Bitkholtz ripping him a new one about the intersectionalities of biphobia, queerphobia, and antisemitism, and just Shitty being completely shook.
Like Shitty was studying something at the library for one of his women’s studies classes and he starts talking about it at the table, and Holster tries to offer some of his own opinions when Shitty shuts him down with that whole ‘you don’t know prejudice" bs and Holster straight up lectures Shitty.
Like a complete 20 min long rant in the middle of the library. And when someone tells them to be quiet, Adam “Too Much” Birkholtz calls him a waspy, straight bitch before storming out of the room in a fury.
Holster makes Shitty read up on Scott Fried as an apology and Shitty sends him a 2,000 word essay MLA format about the duality of being queer and Jewish in America.
Idk about you but I’m still crying at the thought.
Ok but this has me thinking:
Shitty learns the most about social justice and oppression from his friends.
The Gender and Women’s Study program is supposed to be “the tits” according to Shitty, but from the perspective of a privileged White Boy, that doesn’t really say much to me.
Having taken courses at my own university in feminism and women’s studies, they are mostly taught by white cishet men who don’t have any real life experience in the things they teach.
So like he starts waxing poetic about the textbook versions of feminism and intersectionality and all that jazz
And the boys just lay into him.
Like Bitty starts reclaiming some slurs that used to be used against him, and Shitty tells him “you can’t say that” or something like that and bitty just raises an eyebrow at him.
And shit like this just keeps on happening.
He says something ignorant about race to Ransom.
He talks about how great a movie where a white actor plays an Asian character looks and Lardo and Chowder give him a side eye.
Like give me problematique Shitty who learns by making mistakes and having his friends smack that shit outta him.
He has written dozens of apology essays just for his friends.
They keep them in a scrapbook.
Shitty graduates, but the scrapbook stays. One day a taddie says something ignorant, gets one hell of a smackdown, and writes an essay.
It happens enough times that eventually it’s just a known consequence. Pet names in public? Sin Bin donation time. Fuck up your social justice? Submit your essay to the Shitty Knight Essay Scrapbook.
-Sometimes I forget that Shitty’s one of Bitty’s best friends, too. (I get so tied up in his fantastic, usually-naked, friendship with Jack.) Add this to Ransom and Holster’s careful offers of help and Lardo’s worried looks: Bitty’s got a built-in support system, ready to help him through all these rough patches he’s been weathering alone.
-“I hate that I can’t be proud of you.” This though. We’re all used to the idea of having to hide our sadness on occasion, but it can be just as painful to hold back joy and pride and the desire to stand up on a chair and scream, “THAT NHL PRODIGY IS MY BOYFRIEND.” Bitty hasn’t…actually…been very good at restraining his excitement about Jack’s games and funny little stories about his teammates, but imagine what a bubbly mess of joy he’ll be when he can actually open up about it the way he wants to. I have a feeling he’s going to talk nonstop about Jack for several months. (Hopefully Chowder gets to be in on the secret, because Chowder is probably the one person who could talk more excitedly about how awesomely Jack’s doing. Or maybe Shitty, when he’s drunk and weepy.)
-Jack zeroing in on Bitty’s admission that being in this relationship makes him feel like he’s gone back in the closet. Jack absolutely refusing to let that stand, now that he knows how rough it’s been on Bitty.
-Jack immediately suggesting they tell their friends. Bitty’s reaction here makes me think that every other time the topic’s come up, Bitty went into bright, cheery, “everything’s just dandy” mode, and Jack took it at face value. Now that he knows Bitty’s not actually okay with keeping it a secret – that it’s actively hurting him, and he’s only doing it because he’s afraid of secrets leaking and hurting Jack’s career…
-Their entire argument is centered around the two of them arguing for each other. They’re fighting over who deserves to be happier and more comfortable, and then apologizing for getting upset about each others’ welfare.
-That split-screen panel, though, with Jack yelling at Bitty about not prioritizing his career over his happiness, and Bitty sobbing that Jack cannot ruin his entire life for Bitty.
-That’s the moment where it probably fully clicks for Jack. Hockey is his career. Bitty is his life.
-It’s another Graduation Bells moment: Jack was in love with Bitty for a good percentage of that year, but it took a final conversational push to make him realize, Oh. Oh that’s what I was feeling. And he’s probably been feeling this way about Bitty vs his career for a while now: he’s prioritized hockey over everything else in the past, even his own health, but the brightest part of his day now is coming home after a game, hearing Bitty’s voice, gently touching the affectionate, supportive notes Bitty writes for him, finally believing that someone cares about him, rather than about what he can do on the ice.
-Winning a game might feel good. But Bitty makes Jack happy, even on his worst days. Bitty is more important than anything else in Jack’s life.
-And 110% Jack fucking Zimmermann is going to make sure Bitty knows that.
-Can I just say how much I love that breaking up was never even on the table for a second. That entire conversation was – “this is really hard, but we’ll get through this; I’ll be stronger – you shouldn’t have to be; you told me to tell you when I needed you, and I just needed you this week; I needed you to know how I was feeling, because it hurts, but it hurts less when I’m with you.” There isn’t the slightest hint of considering ending things, because these boys love each other and are willing to do everything in their power to make it work.
-Jack isn’t a hockey prince anymore: he’s the king of big romantic gestures.
-Running across campus, out of breath and desperate to see Bitty, his graduation gown billowing behind him, wasn’t enough. Now he’s gotta walk through a storm to wrap Bitty up in his rain-soaked arms??
–This boy.
-“You fool” is my new favorite pet name, after “bud.”
-Jack’s worried face, his hair dripping, as Bitty flings himself angrily at him, crumpling his elegantly tailored suit and berating him for not thinking about the consequences of his actions. Why would you do this for me, when it could’ve hurt you?
-But Jack has thought about it. When he saw those missed calls, listened to the broken-voiced message he was supposed to delete, heard the tears Bitty was trying to choke back when they talked…he thought about what it’d mean to him, to Bitty, to their relationship, to keep hiding from everyone they know. He thought about what it was like before he knew Bitty, when he was quiet and harsh and anxious and dedicating all his energy into being the best possible hockey player. He thought about the warmth that filled his chest when he talked to Bitty, the light, bubbly feeling he got when he had Bitty in his arms.
-It wasn’t much of a choice, was it? Not when one option meant Bitty fighting back tears, turning into the terrified, anxiety-riddled person Jack has far too much experience being.
–“We’re a team.”
-Honestly, this is probably the most romantic thing Jack could ever say. It means loyalty, dedication, hard work, passion. It means having someone’s back, and trusting them to have yours. It means putting in the extra time and effort. It means being your best for the other person, even on the days when it’s too hard, when everything seems to go wrong. It’s an even bigger declaration than Jack asking Bitty to be his boyfriend. And Bitty knows it.
-Bitty’s stubborn chin, the defiant tilt of his head, and Jack’s quiet, soft expression as he waits to see if Bitty really does feel the same way.
-Bitty collapsing into Jack’s arms, and the tension melting out of both of them as Bitty buries his face in Jack’s chest, Jack curving his body around his boyfriend, pressing his face into Bitty’s hair, grateful to be holding him, to know that they’re going to be okay. Still hurting because he’d hurt Bitty without knowing it, but relieved that they’re going to fix it, now that they’re together.
-Jack smiling blissfully and chirping a tired, still emotional, but deeply affectionate Bitty as they head up the stairs. It’s them. It’s the perfect example of their comfortable, best friends and boyfriends dynamic.
-Bitty slipping easily back into pet names and stripping Jack out of his wet clothes. Jack thanking him for taking care of him – for letting Jack take care of him, too.
-“Let me in?” Jack asks, waiting on the porch, his heart on his throat. As though the answer would ever be anything but yes.
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH YES THIS
(Thanks for writing this all out so I don’t have to lol 😉 )
just moving along like everyone else 