prospitianescapee:

Aries: Caught fire because a neighbor fucked up at operating a tractor so bad that literally everything for like a quarter mile caught fire.

Taurus: Stalked by co-worker, sued management for not doing anything about the co-worker. Management defended their inaction on the grounds that the stalker was from Eastern Europe and they thought stalking was “pretty much culturally expected over there.”

Gemini: Hacked a company’s store credit system and bought a bunch of stuff on nonexistent store credit; defended self on grounds that their security system was really badly designed and the store was asking for it.

Cancer: Angry preacher who wanted to shut up the people on the internet saying they ran an “orgy church.”

Leo: Kept a lion in a small enclosure in their yard.

Virgo: Assault with deadly weapon. Deadly weapon in question was a chainsaw.

Libra: Police officer fired for “taking the whole ethics thing way too far,” ie, interfering with other officers’ crimes.

Scorpio: Murdered “an old friend.” Obviously 100% guilty, visibly 100% unrepentant. Jury let them off, to the firm’s total bewilderment. Sent senior partner a lovely fruit basket.

Sagittarius: Used work email account and work computer to exchange sexual fantasies and photographs involving horses with like-minded individuals.

Capricorn: Their goats wandered onto their neighbors’ property “one time too many,” so the neighbors shot the goats.

Aquarius: Shot at neighbors, including a grade-schooler, for walking across their yard. When police were called, was enraged and offended, particularly when the police also walked across their yard. When asked whether the neighbors had in fact been threatening them in any way, appeared to be genuinely hurt by the question, and began complaining about how hard their life was and how little anyone understood their woes.

Pisces: Doctor suing the state for preventing patients on probation from taking their medications, which the state thought were probably basically the same as cocaine.