homestuck au where everything is the same except all the beta kids were raised as siblings by johns dad because jade didnt deserve to be alone, rose didnt deserve to be ignored and dave didnt deserve to get his ass beat on a regular basis. bro is in jail
they get in the game and find out theyre actually two sets of legitimate siblings and instead of being like “why were these two people were not related two raised as our siblings” (because dad is clearly john’s bio father) john and jade are just like. “awwww WE wanna be related to dave and rose too. this isnt fair”
they meet the alpha kids and rose turns to the derse kids and is like “im rose. i think im your daughter? this is my brother dave, my brother john, and my sister jade. what are your names” and dirk actually literally has a fucking stroke
john and jade have lived together their ENTIRE lives as siblings even though theyre technically second cousins? but dave and rose came later. john and dave had been internet friends and one year when theyre in like fifth grade dave comes to visit and when dad sees all these fuckin bruises all over him hes like “what the FUCK” and when dave goes “oh yeah bro and i were fighting. hes training me for something i guess its no big deal rly. the swords are p badass” dad is like JOHN….JADE……SLEEPING BAGS ARE DOWNSTAIRS and later when daves supposed to go back home john and jade go with him and dads like “im taking your kid because youre incompetent and a monster” and bros like “fair.” and then they call the police on him
roses mom and johns dad were dating for a while like two years later and they were all INTIMATELY aware of the fact that she had no idea whatsoever about how to take care of a kid. one day she was like “hey can you babysit rosey for a few hours i gotta do something” and dad went “yeah” and then mom like. never picked up rose. she just kind of skipped town. so dads here with his two Actual children plus johns internet friend whos brother beat him up and this goth eleven-year-old with a negligent mom and hes just. “guess i need a bigger car”
oh also john and jade are on the meteor during the game. thats a thing. the trolls are all like “???????moirails?????” but thats just kind of how the kids have always acted with each other and they see zero reason to stop now. theyd always been super close for siblings (rose thinks its because theyre all roughly the same age) but for some reason they never grew apart like some kids do and just. stayed really close. they love each other dammit
john and jade legitimately do forget that they arent really related to dave and rose btw. like they straight up are like “remember when this thing happened when we were five” and dave is like “i didnt live with you until i was like 9 dude” and john and jade are like “what really”
also like. since jade was raised around people (including john) theyre both EXTREMELY touchy and even though theyd NEVER say it out loud dave and rose are extremely hungry for like. healthy physical contact that didnt involve fighting ESPECIALLY dave so they have movie nights and shit and they all fall asleep in one big pile??? jade’s got her arms around rose who’s holding hands with john whose legs are tangled up with dave who’s got his face in jade’s hair and despite the logistical speed bumps its literally the most comfortable any of them have ever been as some dumb movie plays on the television and they dream
john’s a prep jade’s a jock dave’s a nerd and rose’s a goth. they all go to public school and have no friends aside from each other for almost two years because since the strilondes dont look like theyre related to the harleyberts people assume that john/rose and jade/ dave are couples and therefore Do Not Interact
one day jades like “blah blah blah my brother dave” and whoever shes talking to is like…..”dave strider? i thought he was your boyfriend” and jade says without skipping a beat “his name is dave egbert and no offense but i would actually rather die”
dave and rose have simultaneous identity crises in sixth grade. “oh jesus oh fuck were not legitimate harleybert siblings what if john and jade dont think were valid” so they sneak out one night to the 24-hour drugstore, pool their allowances to buy enough black hair dye to make rapunzel a goth, and spend two hours together silently destroying their hair as they soak it in cheap dye long enough to literally make it black almost permanently. john gets up to get a glass of water at 2 am and opens the bathroom door to see dave wearing a shower cap and rose frantically scrubbing off the dye stains on the sink and walks right back out again. jade wakes up the next morning and sees two dark-haired people she doesnt recognize asleep next to her and almost has a fucking heart attack
The Riddler hijacks the local TV airwaves and appears onscreen holding a comically long roll of paper. After dramatically clearing his throat, he proceeds to read from it.
“The following is a list of people who can suck it. Number One: The Joker. I don’t think I need to explain that one. Number Two: Cluemaster. Fuck you, you stole my bit, and I will be like a plague unto your house. Number Three: King Tut. You also stole my bit, but did it while killing people and got me arrested for murder. Also, I’m, like, 93% sure you’re a white guy and your costume is racist.
“Number Four: The Scarecrow. I know you ate my leftover Chinese, Jon, even though I wrote my name on it. I was saving that for lunch. I had to eat a goddamn peanut butter and jelly sandwich like a five-year-old. It was all you had in the hideout. For fuck’s sake, go shopping, not all of us can live like a bridge troll.
“Number Five: The Penguin. You- No, no, wait, wait… That one should be crossed out. He replaced that and apologized. Never mind, Oswald, you’re fine. Drinks at 7:00 tomorrow, right?
“Anyway, where was…? Ah, yes. Number Six: The Mad Hatter. You carded me and left me like that for six hours because I, and I quote, ‘would not stop talking about Mythbusters.’ Well, excuse me for trying to make intellectually stimulating conversation on a level you could understand. I suppose every time you prattle on about mome raths and borogoves it’s goddamn Shakespeare? Well… Well, it’s Carroll, but… Oh, you know what I mean!
“Number Seven: Catwoman. You left me hanging by one hand from a ledge five stories up and holding a twenty-pound bag of jewels and very pointy
objets d’art while you ‘distracted’ the Dark Knight. I know you were making out with him, Selina. You were gone for fifteen minutes. My shoulder almost dislocated. Very unprofessional.
“Number Eight: Kite Man.”
Here the Riddler pauses, lifting his narrowed gaze to glare at the camera, voice dropping to an ominous tone.
“You know what you did…”
His demeanor shifts quickly, and he’s back to reading from his list almost cheerfully.
“Number Nine! Th-”
He’s interrupted by a crashing noise in the background and looks over his shoulder just an instant before a deep voice angrily growls, “Riddler!”
“Oh, for the love of-” He turns to glare at the camera, speaking quickly. “Number Nine: Batman! Interrupting me while I’m on television making very important- Hm-mmph!”
He’s reduced to muffled curses as a black gloved hand covers his mouth and pulls him out of frame. The camera tilts, a cracking noise is heard, and the broadcast turns to static.
KITE MAN’S CRIMES WERE NUMEROUS AND TERRIBLE
If I were batman I’d give him like a five minute warning, because this actually sounds theraputic.
Batman: Riddler, you’ve hijacked the TV airwaves and you know that’s wrong but I think this is actually theraputic. So I’m giving you five minutes, and then I’m taking you to Arkham
Robin: Geez get a facebook account for this crap, hell if you wanna vent to millions of strangers just get youtube.
“RIDDLER YOU CAN’T JUST GO ON TV AND SCREAM AT PEOPLE
THAT’S WHAT YOUTUBE IS FOR”
Riddler takes this advice. He gets his own youtube channel called RiddleMe_Th15. It starts out as being purely therapeutic, a platform for publically calling out those who have annoyed him. Then someone leaves him a pathetically easy riddle to solve in the comments, and he spends his next segment ranting about it, and then posing a better one.
This starts a dialogue with a number of other youtube users who both attempt to answer his riddles and pose their own riddles in return.
Riddler has found his people, and his hit count is climbing.
Seriously, Riddler would KILL IT (metaphorically speaking) on YouTube. He just does those weird animated puzzle videos where he poses lengthy, overly complicated puzzles, game theories, and riddles, then gives away…fuck I don’t know…Amazon or iTunes cards to whoever gets them right.
“Riddle me this: How can I ensure there are more videos like this one? The answer, my little quest solvers, is simple: Like and subscribe, and consider donating to my Patreon! Which isn’t much of a Riddle, but seriously I’m down to eating crackers and ramen right now and YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain.”
Bringing this back because “YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain” has to be shared and because I have some followers who have not experienced The Riddler Post.
Seriously, if you ever need a good time, just read all the responses in the notes. This post still ranks as one of the best things I’ve ever done.
Why is this even a problem? If you need more citizens, take in more immigrants or refugees. It’s not like America has a shortage of either wanting to come in. If you can’t make your own citizens, imported is fine.
How Millenials are killing the baby industry
“If you can’t make your own citizens, imported is fine.”
People in badly written fantasy stories will usually talk about the major historical events of their world and how magic has affected the lives of everyone, but ask a person in the real world to describe the effects of WWI and the invention of the combustion engine on modern life and they’d probably couldn’t tell you.
Broke: every character seems to know everything about the history and lore of the world
Woke: most characters can’t tell you much besides the basics but there are some that can tell you more complete but specific parts
H Y P E R W O K E: Every character tells you a wildly different version of the past and what effects it has on the present, ranging from the government is an imperialist, colonizing body obsessed with power to the one true ruler was sent by the gods and has smote down anyone who got in his way to “Oh you mean Jeff, the quote unquote tyrant of the west? I knew that guy! He was alright, never did anything wrong really just wanted some soup.” And there’s no way to tell what actually happened
The Director leans forward over her desk, her face drawn and intent. “So I suppose you’re wondering why I called you three in h–”
“Actually, Madam Director,” Taako interrupts, “I’m wondering how you got this lavender tea so right.”
The Director blinks. “I simmer the lavender blossoms in a saucepan with water and honey, because I’m not a fucking barbarian. Twenty minutes, dash of vanilla, the whole thing. Anyway–”
“It’s good tea,” Merle pipes up.
“Thanks, Merle. So–”
“Hold up, hold up. Holllld up.” Taako actually raises his hand. “How– okay, I mean, what the hell, that’s exactly how I make lavender tea, how’d you know?”
“I know everything, I’m the Director.”
“Are you spying on us?” Magnus says, suddenly interested.
“I can, uh, no, I can’t confirm that, or, deny, that horrific breach of employer-employee confidentiality. I probably just know that stuff because of all the cool superpowers you get when you’re in charge of a secret moon-based operation.”
Merle waves his hand enthusiastically. “Hey, what’s tattooed on my butt!”
“Kenny Chesney, which I know on account of you came into my actual office with your whole entire ass hanging out.”
“It was like three quarters, max,” Magnus says. “Hey, what’s my favorite tea?”
“You think tea is for chumps.”
“I do,” Magnus says, earnestly pleased.
“Does anyone have any non-tea related questions?”
Merle waves his hand again. “Do you know about our secret st—“
“Taped under Magnus’s bed. Yes.”
“Aw,” Magnus says to his tea.
“For someone with such extensive woodworking proficiency, I really thought you’d have, like, a secret drawer somewhere,” the Director says thoughtfully.
“Hey, taped under the mattress is a classic,” Taako says.
“It’s very, mm, very college hijinks, reminiscent, very Animal House.”
“Bullshit, you never watched Animal House,” Merle says.
“I may— I might have. You don’t know.”
“Name one— name one scene! Just one! Gimme a quote!”
“I don’t have to, because I’m your boss. Can I get back to telling you about your new incredibly important mission to save the whole— basically the whole entire world, already, or do you want to waste more time playing Fantasy fucking Trivia?”
The three Reclaimers look at each other, and then Taako uses mage hand to pour himself more lavender tea.
“What’s Merle’s favorite tea?” he asks, grinning, and the Director drops her face into her hands.
“Chamomile,” she says, in the grave, sorrowing tones of one who must bear the unbearable, year after thankless fucking year. “He thinks it’s sexy.”
Two pro heroes are complaining about having to work at a convention and deal with droves of sweaty fans, while two booths down a little kid is crying while meeting Deku, and Deku is crying right back. The mum is panicked. She knows how to handle a crying child but doesn’t know how to handle a crying top hero. Everyone in line is taking photos. Deku and the kid are hugging like it’s the end of the world
just moving along like everyone else 