Taken from Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D. A summary of the tips the book hands you on how to recognize emotionally healthy people.
They’re realistic and reliable
They work with reality rather than fighting it. They see problems and try to fix them, instead of overreacting with a fixation on how things should be.
They can feel and think at the same time. The ability to think even when upset makes an emotionally mature person someone you can reason with. They don’t lose their ability to see another perspective just because they aren’t getting what they want.
Their consistency makes them reliable. Because they have an integrated sense of self, they usually won’t surprise you with unexpected inconsistencies.
They don’t take everything personally. They can laugh at themselves and their foibles. They’re realistic enough to not feel unloved just because you made a mistake.
They’re respectful and reciprocal
They respect your boundaries. They’re looking for connection and closeness, not intrusion, control or enmeshment. They respect your individuality and that others have the final say on what their motivations are. They may tell you how they feel about what you did, but they don’t pretend to know you better than you know yourself.
They give back. They don’t like taking advantage of people, nor do they like the feeling of being used.
They are flexible and compromise well. Because collaborative, mature people don’t have an agenda to win at all costs, you won’t feel like you’re being taken advantage of. Compromise doesn’t mean mutual sacrifice; it means a mutual balancing of desires. They care about how you feel and don’t want to leave you feeling unsatisfied.
They’re even-tempered. They don’t sulk or pout for long periods of time or make you walk on eggshells.
When angered, they will usually tell you what’s wrong and ask you to do things differently. They’re willing to take the initiative to bring conflict to a close.
They are willing to be influenced. They don’t feel threatened when other people see things differently, nor are they afraid of seeming weak if they don’t know something. They may not agree, but they’ll try to understand your point of view.
They’re truthful. They understand why you’re upset if they lie or give you a false impression.
They apologize and make amends. They want to be responsible for their own behavior and are willing to apologize when needed.
They’re responsive
Their empathy makes you feel safe. Along with self-awareness, empathy is the soul of emotional intelligence.
They make you feel seen and understood. Their behavior reflects their desire to really get to know you, rather than looking for you to mirror them. They aren’t afraid of your emotions and don’t tell you that you should be feeling some other way.
They like to comfort and be comforted. They are sympathetic and know how crucial friendly support can be.
They reflect on their actions and try to change. They clearly understand how people affect each other emotionally. They take you seriously if you tell them about a behavior of theirs that makes you uncomfortable. They’ll remain aware of the issue and demonstrate follow-through in their attempts to change.
They can laugh and be playful. Laughter is a form of egalitarian play between people and reflects an ability to relinquish control and follow someone else’s lead.
They’re enjoyable to be around. They aren’t always happy, but for the most part they seem able to generate their own good feelings and enjoy life.
There’s always the best resolution for every problem, including Kise’s low test scores before the upcoming Winter Cup tournament. Surely Kasamatsu will not remain silent when their ace player is threatened can not compete in the tournament later.
Note: This is my old doujinshi that I made in 2016, when I was still active in Kuroko no Basuke fandom. I made this doujinshi only for free reading, not for sale in any event. (And forgive my poor English translation.)
FUCK. I’ve done this exercise before, but it’s been factors like “if you’re male”, “if you’re able-bodied”, etc. Putting it in these terms is somehow more powerful because it shows the consequences of those kinds of privileges. And then when he says, “None of these statements have anything to do with anything any of you have done” … ugh, I started crying. It’s like the “It’s not your fault” scene; as kids we internalize all this shit as somehow our fault. And the looks on the faces on the guys in back. Fuck.
Think about what he says. Lots. It isn’t about what you do. Think about it right now. BEFORE you read more, cause what he says is more important.
It was a bit hard for me to grasp at first because I needed someone to transcribe it for me – so even as a white relatively-well-off person I would not have even placed in the race because the instructions were all verbal and I can’t understand speech.
and i’d be left behind despite my advantages because my two steps are slow and small and taken with a cane. but those of us who are disabled know this lesson already, of course.
what was a revelation to me was the faces of the handful of white men at the very front, the ones who’d taken two steps every time. they were proud at first, and only started getting worried at the end, i think. and when they turned to look back, i could see that very human urge to go back and help. it reminded me that a lot of the time, privileged guilt is like survivor’s guilt – it’s not that you did anything wrong, it’s nothing you earned, it’s a sign you care about your fellow humans.
you can’t change your advantages of birth and upbringing, nor should you want to. the takeaway is that when you reach the finish line and get your hundred bucks – when you reach adulthood and have financial security and mobility and so forth – you look for kids getting left at the starting line and see what you can do to help.
Personally, I’m still trying to figure out how $12/hr is considered “competitive pay”???? ????
i couldn’t live on minimum wage in 1992, i don’t know why people think you should be able to do it now, with everything so much more expensive.
gen x spent our 20′s crammed up 6 people to a 2-bedroom apartment, living on ramen and clothes shopping at the army surplus store, because minimum wage wasn’t a living wage in the 90′s. since then, rent has doubled, but minimum wage has gone up by a single dollar. so let me reiterate:
they’re not buying anything because you’re not paying them anything, you egregious slime molds.
baffling how much of this site is just conservative protestantism with a gay hat
you know what i’m in just enough of a bad mood that i’m ready to nail my grievances to the church door so let’s fucking go
black and white morality wherein anyone who doesn’t believe/think/live exactly as I do is a dirty sinner Problematic and probably a predatory monster
everyone is a sinnerProblematic but true believerspeople who activist the right way according to my worldview are still better than everyone else, and I will act in accordance to this belief in my own superiority to let everyone else know I’m better than them because I found Jesusam the most woke
casual and fucking omnipresent equations of womanhood with softness/goodness/purity/nurturing to remind every woman who isn’t/doesn’t want to be any of those things that they’re doing it wrong
aggressive desexualization (particularly of women’s sexuality, to the point where it may as well not exist at all) accompanied by pastels [not a criticism directed ace ppl having a right to sex-free content and spaces but specifically targeted at a wider problem resulting from the previous point]
YOU’RE VALID AND JESUS LOVES YOU and neither of these platitudes achieves a goddamn thing
historical context is for people who care about nuance and we don’t have time for either (see: black and white morality)
lots of slogans and quotes and nice little soundbites to memorize but does anybody actually study the source material with a critical eye to make their own informed analysis
the answer is no
I’ve been to bible study groups don’t @ me I know what the fuck I’m talking about
Good Christians™ Nice Gays™
don’t fraternize with/let themselves be influenced by non-Christians those terrible queers
all the media one consumes must be ideologically pure or it will surely harm the children
it is Our Sacred Duty to protect the children from Everything, thus ensuring their innocence/purity/etc until such time as they are idk probably 25 years old
literally just “think of the children” moral panic y’all can fuckin miss me with that
people who don’t conform to the dominant thinking WILL be excommunicated/driven from the social group, and any wrong treatment they suffer will be seen as a justified consequence of their wrong thinking
I Saw Goody Proctor With The Devil And She Had A Bad Steven Universe Headcanon
Thank you for breaking it down like that because so many of us have been saying it but to see a play by play breakdown comparison is just…Thank you.
this parallel is incredibly apt.
i grew up a liberal protestant and watched my mom deprogram conservative women’s circles like some kind of jesus-freak natasha romanov, and i swear it looked a whole lot like roach and seebs dismantling sjw circlejerks today.
you don’t have to stop believing; you just have to start thinking too.
another place the parallel works is with people getting the most angry and doubling down on the worst instances of doublethink. the less defensible it is, the more they’ll cherish it, because it’s the gas vent of their death star. one shot there, if they let it in, will blow the whole edifice.
compare: conservative protestants furiously defending their love of war and violence, in direct contravention to everything jesus ever said; tumblr wowzers attacking women about sexuality, in direct contravention to everything real life social justice advocates stand for.
and i gotta say, being a quaker on christian forums really prepared me for dealing with these folks. y’all can’t rile me. i’ve turned the other cheek to southern baptists. i might get cranky sometimes when they tell nasty lies about people i love, but i’m not gonna lose hope or give up. i’m also not going to crack and show the seething evil beneath, or whatever they’re hoping will happen if they keep attacking long enough. this isn’t kayfabe. my faith and my activism both go all the way to the core, grown from seed over decades.
now that i think about it, i would be very interested in what the (raised)religious demographics are on this site. early programming matters a lot to how you approach problems (and problematics).
During a conversation with my manager this morning, she mentioned that her manager– the district manager– had told her that “We want people who are passionate about our products. We don’t want people working here if they’re doing it for the money.”
To which the manager (internally, because she doesn’t want to be fired), went “you’ve got to be fucking shitting me.”
Here’s the thing: it is totally possible to do a job for the passion and not be obsessively thinking about the money every minute of every day. In fact, there have been economic studies regarding that very thing.
You know when it starts?
When the employee in question is making $50-75k per year.*
That’s the starting point of financial security. That’s the point when you’re fairly secure that you’re going to have rent, food, and basic living expenses covered.
I’ve worked a lot of jobs over the years. A lot.
I saw the same working as a freelancer– when I charged lower rates, my clients treated me like shit and acted like they were doing me a favor; when I charged more, they respected me as a professional. A newspaper that started out paying me above market wage also treated me very kindly, because they started with the assumption that I was a human being who needs to eat.
In my experience, the employers that insist that your job be your “passion” are also the ones that pay you nothing and treat you like garbage. It’s exactly like abusive people, who tell you that you would put up with their abuse if you “loved them enough”. It’s a way of convincing the victim that they’re responsible for their own mistreatment, which is absolutely fucked up.
Here’s my advice to you:
It is absolutely okay to take a job that doesn’t pay you what you deserve– you’ve got to eat, after all. But don’t think for a second that you have a responsibility to that job. If you see something available that pays better and treats you better, take it and don’t look back. Don’t waste an ounce of sympathy for employers who try to convince you that passion is an acceptable substitute for survival.
If they want you to be passionate about your work with them, they should be treating you wtih the respect they give to people who ARE passionate about their products.
Also: your employer doesn’t own your soul, and can’t ask for it.
what they want, whether they know it or not, is people who can convincingly lie about being passionate.
just moving along like everyone else 