I’m honestly very curious and concerned what happened here.
Judging by the shit-eating grin on the opposition’s (who isn’t the same one who injured Tater; judging by beard color) face, it was a chirp.
Judging by the fact that it set Jack off enough that he had to be restrained, what was said was extremely unpleasant.
Nah bro, Schooner is just giddy that he gets to witness Jack Zimmermann morph into t h e spittin’ image of Bad Bob, like it’s so uncanny it’s a privilege. Like, ‘Oh I’m going to get my face beat in by the astral projection of one of The Greats?? #Blessed’
Okay, while I adhere to the situation being serious, this is adorably hilarious.
Jack Zimmermann punched me in the face. It was awesome!
Tag: jack zimmermann
thank you @ngoziu for giving us this image of jack doing the goalie-helmet-touch thing
NHL!Bitty, Part XII – ‘A Stanley Cup Wedding’
The Schooners win game seven and dethrone the defending champion Falconers to claim Seattle’s first national title.
Eric was definitely not expecting Jack to propose immediately after losing.
(A rework of the ‘Game 7 PVD vs SEA’ prompt that totally retcons some NHL!Bitty stuff, so timeline-wise: the Falconers took the cup Eric’s second year with the Schooners. The Schooners win the following season.)
Game Seven. Third period. Eric’s running on adrenaline, blue Gatorade, and rage.
Jack and the rest of the Falconers first line are racing to catch up, but Eric is ‘criminally fast’ (thank you ESPN for the lovely descriptor), and it’s almost too easy to whip the puck to Carter and wait for the siren.
Snowy can’t stop it. The Schooners will win in regulation.
For a brief, terrifying moment, Eric sees Morin’s breakaway as the death knell of his relationship. He has flashes of Freshman year and he thinks ‘Jack is going to hate me’.
Eric closes his eyes and waits.
DARK NGOZI CAME THROUGH
Let Jack Eat Pie
Professional hockey players eat 5000-6000 calories per day.
Carbs for energy. So many carbs. Protein for muscle-repair. 12 oz. steaks for breakfast. Six meals a day. Eating even when you’re not hungry, because you must.
Probably not candy or greasy fast food, but fat is fine. Fat is great. Fat is calories. Fat-free yogurt and delicate egg white omelets have no place in this diet.
Remember your vegetables. Brain food.
Simple carbs after every game. Pie is ideal.
There is no such thing as cheat day.
Sources: Ice Hockey Nutrition and Training — How Players Meet Their Goals in the Pros; Diet, training regimen have Subban in peak condition
~*~
Bitty comes home from the farmers’ market flushed with success. “I bought a cow,” he announces. Jack peers over the back of the couch, struck, momentarily, with a vision of Bitty coaxing a Jersey cow on a rope through the kitchen door. Perhaps it could live in the guest room?
“That’s, uh,” says Jack. “That’s good?”
“She’s currently an adorable moppet’s 4H project, but she’ll be butchered in June, and delivered in boxes, so I have to go shopping for a chest freezer next weekend. Summer project: I’m going to learn how to make sausage! And you, Mister Calder Memorial—” Bitty points both index fingers at Jack and beams like a maniac, “are going to eat even more protein!”
…bitty, who shows love by feeding people southern home cooking….and jack, who has to eat 5000+ calories a day…the ultimate power couple honestly
Honestly my favorite part of this post tho is the idea that Jack was totally prepared to accept that a live cow was going to be living in his guest room.
Visiting Hockey Haus
Tater: Oh yeah!!! Snowy, Samwell hockey team so much fun! You got Zimmboni, B, Larissa Duan, Randy, Adam, frogs, Nurse, Sharks Guy, and Red.
Jack: close enough
Ok but what if for Halloween Dex wears a bad blond wig and glasses and Nursey wears a white snapback and salmon shorts
OK but the best thing about that is that Ransom and Holster CANNOT figure out who they are in costume as, and it just gets funnier as the night goes on because they keep guessing wrong.
Okay but then as they get more drunk they start hyperbolically acting out scenes from Ransom and Holsters life and they keep getting more and more touchy feely and ridiculous as the night goes on.
Dex: Bro…Share a beer with me bro…
Nursey: Bro…I’m going to fucking cherish that beer with you bro..
Dex: I just..I need you to know that this is such a special fucking moment for me man…
Nursey: Bro…
Holster: Bro…Are they like….a Meme…or something?
Ransom: I don’t know man…Hey share a beer with me bro?
Holster: Wait.
UM BUT WAIT
Lardo and Shitty go as Jack & Bitty. And this is Lardo and Shits we’re talking about so, it’s subversion galore. What does that mean? That mean Lardo is Jack and Shitty is Bits.-Lardo goes all out with the contouring. I’m talking chiseled cheekbones, jawline. Blue contacts. Styles her hair like Jack, gets some Adidas track pants and a black t shirt.
-Shitty doesn’t shave his mustache, but he trims it so its not so bushy. He puts on a blonde wig and gets Lardo to style it. He gets a cute little button up, but that’s not the clincher. He puts on the TEENIEST little shorts, which just barely cover his ass and nads.
– Lardo wears a muscle suit and pads her butt with foam. She stands around frowning at everyone with her arms crossed. Jack sees her and says “I don’t do that.” AS HE’S STANDING THERE WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED, FROWNING.
-Shitty takes on a horrible southern accent and makes up incredibly bizarre exclamations (“mercy May heaven biscuits!”). He keeps draping himself suggestively over furniture, and Bitty keeps laughing so hard he cries.
-Lardo starts eating protein powder out of the tub with a spoon. Shitty starts peeling apples.
-its all fun and games until Shitty squats and his balls fall out of his shorts in front of everyone.
@troey-jibiani I hope this is okay lol
And THEN someone starts playing Partition…
The resulting dirty dancing that follows makes everyone uncomfortably aroused and raises a lot of questions.
RANSOM: Are Dex and Nursey making out on the dance floor because they just realised they’re into each other, or because they’re us?
HOLSTER: Bro, we don’t make out with each other.
RANSOM: …
RANSOM: Should we?
JACK: So, um.
BITTY: Yes. Upstairs. Now.
reminder that this is an actual thing that was said by william ‘dex’ j. pointdexter to his captain at what is most certainly one of their first meetings.
don’t look at me and tell me dex hasn’t had some very gay thoughts about jack’s butt.
#i like to think that it’s just kind of a rite of passage#that all smh team freshmen get HUGE GAY CRUSHES on the seniors#it’s just kind of a thing#it’s the juniors’ job to sit them down and be like#‘hey your feelings are valid and so is your romantic and sexual orientation…#but u don’t actually like this dweeb’#holtzy gave the talk to dex#bitty gave it to tango (about rans)#nursey will probz have to give it to the whole damn freshmen class for bitty rip
tags via @chillwhiskeyShitty designed his own So You Have A Crush On Jack Zimmermann, Don’t Sweat It Brah We’ve All Been There pamphlet to distribute to all freshman recruits.
What he must never know is that Jack and Lardo distributed their own pamphlet titled The Bewildering Appeal of Shitty Knight’s Sick Flow: A Survivor’s Guide.
Based off of a real situation with a Russian I knew:
So Bitty has definitely called people a peach before. So at some point, after Jack is out to the team and Bitty has met them, Tater is helping with him something and Bitty says, “You’re a peach.” Tater is confused, but is like well that sounds nice, so alright.
He goes to Snowy a little while later and asks what it means when someone calls you a peach.
And Snowy replies, “A peach…do you mean a bitch?”
Tater, “No…no…I am pretty sure it is a peach.”
“Are you sure it wasn’t bitch? People don’t usually say that…wait…was it Bitty?”
“Yes!”
“It means you are sweet and I think that is also a fine.”
Pffftt omg tater getting fined for endearments from bitty is hilarious because like, it gets jack /going/
Jack: haha i know my boyfriend is an open, friendly, and very southern person who liberally uses terms like “honey” “sweetheart” on his friends. But he called me sweetie and handsome like a gajillion more times on the phone just now haha ISNT THAT FUNNY heres $500 in the sinbin to counter the $50 that Tater put in.
Tater: Haha B like calling people sweet! He call me sweetpea other dayJack, later: Bitty are you cheating on me with Tater?
Bitty: ????????
Bitty: no???
The drinks at the Falcs Family BBQ were very strong and there are so many people who need to know about Eric Richard Bittle.
just moving along like everyone else 