jabberwockypie:

patrickat:

bernardperroud:

Utroba Cave in the Rhodope mountains, Bulgaria. Carved by hand more than 3000 years ago (?), it was rediscovered in 2001.

Archeologists
hypothesize that an altar built at the end of the cave, which is about
22 m deep, represents either the cervix or the uterus.

At midday, light seeps into the temple through an opening in the ceiling, projecting an image of a phallus on to the floor.

When
the sun is at the right angle, in late February or early March, the
phallus grows longer and reaches the alter, symbolically fertilizing the
womb before the sowing of the spring crops.

These people were drawing dicks on the ground with the sun in 1000 BCE. All you fools messing with Sharpies need to step up your game.

“Hee! That looks kind of like-”

“Come on, self, don’t make it weird.  It’s just a cave.”

*reads article*

“Oh.”

jumpingjacktrash:

crazy-pages:

hornygold:

spoiledchestnut:

Alien: You shouldn’t eat that.

Human: What?

Alien: That thing. Don’t you know it’s extremely acidic? Enough to cause eventual deterioration of your flesh?

Human: ….it’s a fucking pineapple.

Alien: But that thing contains bromelain, it’ll destroy your body’s proteins!

Human: Not if I digest the bromelain first.

Alien: Humans are insane!

“Not if I digest it first” is an official human motto, in close competition with “not if I pet it first”.

alien: WHY ARE YOU EATING THAT IT LITERALLY CAUSES YOU EXCRUCIATING PAIN

human: but they stuffed it with cheese and deep fried it

alien: WOULD YOU EAT A HAND GRENADE IF IT WAS DEEP FRIED

human: is this a trick question

aisarete:

lierdumoa:

evilminji:

moonsofavalon:

star-lord:

lilian-cho:

roachpatrol:

vulcandroid:

i will never be over the fact that during first contact a human offered their hand to a vulcan and the vulcan was just like “wow humans are fucking wild” and took it

Humanity’s first contact with Vulcans was some guy going “I’m down to fuck.”

Vulcans’ first contact with Humans was an emphatic “Sure.”

@sineala

#iiiiiiiiiiiiii mean vulcans had been watching humans for a long time#they knew the significance of a handshake but still#they had to find some fast and loose ambassador#willing to fuckin make out with a human for the sake of not offending them on first contact#lmao#star trek

give me the story of this fast and loose vulcan

“sir…these…these humans…they greet each other by…” *glances around before furtively whispering* “by clasping hands…”

*prolonged silence* “oh my…”

“sir…sir how will we make first contact with them? surely we…we cannot refuse this handclasping ritual, they will take it as an insult, but what vulcan would agree to such a distasteful and uncomfortable ritual??”

*several pensive moments later* “contact the vulcan high command and tell them to send us kuvak. i once saw that crazy son of a bitch arm wrestle a klingon, he’ll put his hands on anything”

Elsewhere, w/ kuvak: “….my day has come.”

The vulcan who made first contact with humans is named Solkar guys. Y’all just be makin’ up names for characters that already have names.

Bonus: here’s a screencap of Solkar doing the “my body is ready” pose right before he shakes Zefram Cochrane’s hand:

image

IDK where the version of this post went with the reminder that Solkar is Spock’s not-so-distant ancestor, but he is.

kaylapocalypse:

envymyblackness:

hufflepuffskeepmovingforward:

kaijutegu:

proteusolm:

There’s something really terrifying about the concept of being pursued by something that can only walk slowly after. Just slooowly following. You can chill for a while if you get far enough away but it’s still coming.

That’s called “persistence hunting” and it’s how humans hunted all sorts of megafauna to extinction, as well as what let our species become so disperse and so numerous. Our existence is a horror story told from the monster’s perspective.

So you’re telling me zombie is absolutely a valid career path

Watch the movie on Netflix called “ It Follows” lol

Basically our hunting super power is that we are really smart, good at tools and can walk/run forever. 

My roommate Kait runs 20 miles 4 times a week.
Horses can only travel about 32 miles a day.

If my roommate ran 20 miles twice in one day (possible if she does one in the morning and one in the afternoon) she would out travel a horse.

 She is not FASTER than a horse, but if a horse was walking away from her for 8 solid hours,  Kait could catch up to it.  She could probably also walk after it for an additional 5-10 miles after the run and then stab it when it got too tired to go on.

But kait’s athletic. 

 I, on the other hand, am a fatty fat who weighs 210 and never exercises ever.

I once, completely spontaneously because i had no money for the train, walked 17 miles in the winter from one end of Chicago to the other. I had also not eaten and was wearing a backpack. It took me 3 hours, but I accomplished it with ease. If i wasn’t a chub goddess, and had eaten and it was summer and I wasn’t wearing a backpack with a laptop in it, imagine how far and fast I could have gone. 

Now. Horses can only sustain a run for about 15 miles ( at 8-10mph it takes them a little over an hour).

If my fat ass was walking towards a horse for 3 hours and it was literally running away from me. It would become exhausted after 15 miles and unless it can recover completely in 2 hours for another lengthy sprint, I can reasonably catch up to it and stab it. (not that i would ever stab a horse. horses are terrifying and should be regarded with suspicion, respect and fear)

The longest run ever was 350 miles over 80 hours without sleep.

We are endurance monsters. 

On the months my research team and I were allowed to live on Earth and observe their habitat I noted the following about human young:

thededfa:

– human young will turn anything into a weapon to mock battle their peers, broom sticks, straws, even their food

– when in large groups human young will display games of mock hunts against each other. The two most common being “tag” where one young will try to catch the other young acting as prey, and “mob” where all of the young will try to catch a single young who acts as the prey. This suggests an instinctive ability for both pack and solo hunting

– human young will often hone their stalking and hunting skills by hiding or attempting to sneak up on others and pouncing with loud sounds meant to intimidate and frighten. This is considered amusing for the attacker and victim  

– adult humans will often mock attack their young with their hands or objects to train the young to protect their vital areas and avoid injury. The young find this amusing and will quickly learn to train each other in this manner

– young humans will often attack and attach themselves to an older human’s legs, arms, or back, hanging on despite being dragged or carried while the adult human walks away. Both humans seems to find the experience entertaining 

– young humans are extremely territorial and will attempt to drive off others from food, toys, and areas they have claimed as theirs with physical and verbal attacks. Fortunately, most adult humans actively try to train this behavior out, insisting the young come to an agreement or share resources and territory. 

– young humans constantly search for new territory, dens, and resources. They will climb trees, shelving, anything they can reach. They will climb under and behind things. If there are no suitable hiding areas they will construct them out of blankets and cushions or any other available item. 

– young humans display a strong pack instinct, quickly forming social groups and defending their group against other groups. Often they will split their own group in order to mock battle each other in contests

– HUMAN YOUNG WILL BITE IF DISTRESSED OR ANGRY AND EMIT LOUD NOISES THAT CALL MATURE HUMANS TO AID THEM

– human young will beg for domesticated carnivores as companions, and if gifted with one will pack bond with it to an extreme point.

– human young will carry a toy and try to protect and nurture it as if the toy was their own young

– human young require constant stimulation in the form of games or information. They will constantly question things and can spend extraordinary amounts of time asking “why”, often while poking the subject in question

– human young will try to eat anything at least once. Anything. If it will fit into their mouth they will attempt to eat it. If it will not fit into their mouth they will lick it. 

-human young will voluntarily deprive themselves of oxygen to the point of unconsciousness in an attempt to trigger protective instincts in older humans so they get their way

– human young display great interest in mimicry, often dressing up as different professions, species, and objects. They also display great skill in mimicking the calls and body language of other species. 
      *Example: one human young had me quite concerned there was another Treawalbil in distress and I searched for quite some time before I discovered that the young was mimicking a Treawalbil distress trill with complete accuracy. 
     *Second Example: Human young have begun to wear wear “hats” with artificial crests similar to a Treawalbil and some have begun painting colorful patterns to their arms in imitation of our camouflage. 

– human young communicate constantly and spread information quickly not only among their own social group but other social groups as well.
    *Example: The human young who mimicked a Treawalbil distress trill taught their social group and soon I was surrounded by human young calling out in distress. This caused the Treawalbil researchers much anxiety so the adult humans suggested teaching the young other calls. The human young learned enough for basic communication at an astonishing rate, but then other social groups we had not taught began using the same calls as well. Even adult humans began using the calls to communicate with us without translators. 

Young humans will gift beings and creatures they believe to be in their social group with handmade objects, interesting specimens they have collected, or food. Strangely enough, a being does not have to be human in order to belong to a human’s social group. 

jungwildeandfree:

ethantheheffalump:

cerynn:

theamazingsallyhogan:

the-gender-enigma:

prokopetz:

Bad: aliens that insist upon referring to human women as “feeeeemales”.

Good: aliens that insist upon dividing humans into binary categories, but the binary in question is based on something we’d regard as trivial and bizarre.

pro cilantro and anti cilantro

Just to screw with us they refer to have designated half the population as “edible” and the other half is “inedible.”

No intention of eating anyone, they just like how uncomfortable it makes everyone.

Even better: the aliens all agree on who is edible and who is inedible, but the humans have no idea what the criteria is

Even better: there is no criteria, the Aliens just keep a running list of whenever one member designated a human as edible or not. People are baffled because the selection appears random yet all the aliens are up to date, so there must be SOMETHJNG

I love this because it implies the aliens possess either (1) a universal hive mind or (2) an intergalactic group chat dedicated to fucking with humanity 

copperbadge:

whatdoyoumeanitsnotawesome:

copperbadge:

hxans:

I saw this on FB & immediately thought of sharing it with @copperbadge

Personally I find this horrifying but maybe it appeal so on some folks

*GASP OF HORRIFIED DELIGHT*

IT’S APPALLING 

I NEED IT

@copperbadge

honestly “it’s appalling; i need it” is like the driving force of humanity what a MOOD i mean. whither this compunction? what deep hole in humanity’s collective psyche did it crawl out of?

also i don’t even LIKE chocolate but i think i need a slice of this

I think it’s a survival of the species thing. Like, every once in a while one of us loses our shit and does something we definitely should not, and if we survive it then we can tell everyone else “hey this thing is survivable” and if we don’t, we are a cautionary tale to the next generation. 

But it used to be like, the first person to try eating an artichoke or the first person to try persistence-hunting a cheetah. Now that most things we encounter won’t kill us, we resort to stuff like this just to make sure we’re trying every possible angle to ensure the species continues even if we do not. 

styliferous:

your bored-at-work Mass Effect thought of the day:

The way Krogans make fun of humans on the battlefield ought to be a lot more indulgent sounding than it is. Next to Krogans, humans are probably one of the most warlike races in the galaxy.

“But,” you say “what about the Turians. They’ve got a whole government-religion thing around war.”

No they have a whole government-religion thing around the military which is totally different. They do the whole conquering, compulsive-serving thing, squad mentality, which is great during a war but I wouldn’t call that being warlike. They’re too obsessed with rules and regimentation as a general, like. Thing. They’re about that stuff.

Humans, however, are ready to throw down. They’ll meet you in front of the Krogan memorial statue for an ass kicking. They’re ready to pull hair over someone sliding into their partner’s dms. They’re ready to fuckin go

If Krogans are like mastiffs, bred for war and muscle, humans are those little yappy dogs who are ready to fling themselves into a fight without regard to life or limb and are fully convinced that they’re Big and the Boss. Krogans should absolutely complain about how squishy we are but I’m begging u, bioware, let it be a fond complaint. I want to hear a krogan companion watch me biotic charge myself into a knot of enemies and yell “Look at ‘er go! Atta girl!” and then admonish me to remember my armor more often.