Professional hockey players eat 5000-6000 calories per day.
Carbs for energy. So many carbs. Protein for muscle-repair. 12 oz. steaks for breakfast. Six meals a day. Eating even when you’re not hungry, because you must.
Probably not candy or greasy fast food, but fat is fine. Fat is great. Fat is calories. Fat-free yogurt and delicate egg white omelets have no place in this diet.
Bitty comes home from the farmers’ market flushed with success. “I bought a cow,” he announces. Jack peers over the back of the couch, struck, momentarily, with a vision of Bitty coaxing a Jersey cow on a rope through the kitchen door. Perhaps it could live in the guest room?
“That’s, uh,” says Jack. “That’s good?”
“She’s currently an adorable moppet’s 4H project, but she’ll be butchered in June, and delivered in boxes, so I have to go shopping for a chest freezer next weekend. Summer project: I’m going to learn how to make sausage! And you, Mister Calder Memorial—” Bitty points both index fingers at Jack and beams like a maniac, “are going to eat even more protein!”
…bitty, who shows love by feeding people southern home cooking….and jack, who has to eat 5000+ calories a day…the ultimate power couple honestly
Honestly my favorite part of this post tho is the idea that Jack was totally prepared to accept that a live cow was going to be living in his guest room.
wow i can’t wait until hockey season so i can have my emotions literally ravaged by grown ass men beating the shit out of each other over a piece of rubber and be disappointed by my team not winning a big silver bowl
•everyone who goes to the penalty box has to wear a dunce cap for the duration of the penalty
•if the goalie gets the puck in his glove, he should be allowed to try to carry it down to the other end of the rink and throw it into the other goal
•if you pull the goalie your 6th man has to be the mascot
•if 2 players hold hands while one commits a penalty, the other is allowed to go to the box (and wear the dunce cap) for him
•instead of shootouts, there’s a sudden death figure skating competition between the two teams’ captains. if the captain is injured or sick, then this task may be delegated to one of his As
•consistent goalie interference rules lol
•if wayne gretzky attends a game, he is allowed to dress in a plain black jersey and come on the ice. he’s not playing for either team, he’s just there to shake things up
•intermissions will be filled by a pet show of the players’ dogs
PHIL KESSEL (A STANLEY CUP CHAMPION] WAS TREATED BADLY BY THE TORONTO MEDIA DURING THE 14-15 SEASON [HIS LAST FOR THE LEAFS]. THEY CALLED HIM UNCOACHABLE, LAZY, FAT, AND CANCEROUS TO THE TEAM [this last one is especially offensive because Phil Kessel (a Stanley Cup Champion) is also a cancer survivor] because Phil Kessel (A Stanley Cup Champion) was meant to be a top-scoring forward, a real playmaker, but he was having a really bad dry spell.
After he was traded, a lot of people were happy to see him out of Toronto and kinda thought that’d be the end of the Phil Kessel (a Stanley Cup Champion) story.
Boy howdy were they wrong.
Phil Kessel (A Stanley Cup Champion), fucking blossomed in the Pens franchise. He fit right in, made friends. His brand of dry humor has been loudly appreciated in interviews, both with himself and other players. I’m not Phil Kessel (A Stanley Cup Champion) but it really seems like he’s happy in Pittsburgh.
The really awesome shit, however, happened during the playoffs, where Phil Kessel (A Stanley Cup Champion) led the team in scoring. When the Pens lifted the Cup, it was an ultimate “Fuck You” to the Toronto media and fans who had booed, scorned, and given up on him. Phil Kessel (A Stanley Cup Champion), who had been called fat, lazy, unmotivated, uncoachable, cancerous, was a Stanley Cup Fucking CHAMPION. It’s a redemption arc that ends in the biggest fucking trophy in professional sports. It’s a redemption arc that ends with the President of the United States standing onstage and saying “Phil Kessel Is A Stanley Cup Champion,” a phrase we utter to remind the people who gave up on him just how wrong they are.
There’s a pretty great addendum to this in terms of the meme.
There’s a well-known hockey YouTuber and podcaster called Steve Dangle, who’s gotten enough of an audience that he gets to interview players and do Official Hockey Shit. Steve is awesome. Anyway the Leafs are his primary team (so he knows all about Phil), but one time at a press event he got to talk to Sidney Crosby, and he was able to ask ONE QUESTION of the greatest hockey player in the world, and this is what happened:
Steve: I’m here with Sidney Crosby, Stanley Cup champion Sidney Crosby…*snaps fingers, pretends to be puzzled* Hey, who else is a Stanley Cup Champion? Hey, is Phil Kessel a Stanley Cup Champion?
Sid: *grins* Phil Kessel is a Stanley Cup Champion.
Steve: That’s right! Phil Kessel is a Stanley Cup Champion.
just moving along like everyone else 