I just love how tumblr views the issue. It is absolutely not cool to speculate about people’s gender, or debate it, or whatever.
Unless they can beat you in an argument. Then it’s open season and speculating and asserting that they’re lying is 100% okay.
And yeah, pretty much. I think the official-ish term is “agender”, which I’m fine with, or “apathetic-trans”, which I’m fine with, and… okay, cool, whatever?
The reason I point out people being assholes about this isn’t that I give a fuck what gender people think I am. It’s that if they’re willing to actively tell falsehoods about my gender in order to score points in an Internet argument, that tells you a lot about them. And since like half my social circle is trans, it makes a good test case for warning people about bad actors. That’s it.
And I note, some of them are clearly lying, some of them are clearly passing on gossip, some of them who knows what the fuck they’re thinking. But it doesn’t really matter, does it? It is not, in general, okay to have “wank” about someone else’s gender identity, unless you’re a right-wing politician looking to get out the angry vote, or you’re a “social justice” nutjob on tumblr who lost an argument.
I like “apathetic-trans,” but I feel like we could use better and more irreverent words for this gender condition.
(Another she/her/whatevs DFAB DGAF here, who if born a decade or two later would probably have self-identified as genderqtttthhhhbbbbb.)
fwiw I have started thinking of it as “being in the AFAB Bermuda Triangle,” which is where all the agender? nb? genderqueer? afabs who are old enough for pursuing it to have an obviously net-negative cost:benefit go for grumpiness and chill with a side of invisibility
I’ve been thinking of it as ‘gendershrug’ most of the time
it’s funny how the experience of being treated like you’re “not trans
enough” and the ensuing pressure to just stick with your assigned gender so you don’t inconvenience anyone, so you end up just shutting up and dealing with it, is more prevalent amongst AFAB people though, isn’t it? It’s almost as if there’s some kind of systematic double standard in play
I know, right?
And I can even tell you exactly why people do it to me, too, even though I’m not AFAB: It’s because I keep saying that the experiences of AFAB people, trans or otherwise, are actually relevant to understanding trans issues, and shouldn’t be completely dismissed. Every time I talk about trans issues and point out that I think trans men have actual concerns and do not benefit from every possible advantage in our society, people assert that I’m only saying that because I’m a trans man, and therefore my opinions are invalid because I’m too privileged to have opinions. 😛
First off, dating =/= going on a date with =/= having sex with. The form is for #2. I have done numbers 1 and 3 with men and had it go badly. I have never gone on a date with a man, because I’ve almost never gone on dates, for the reasons explained before.
I would not expect going on a date with a man to go wrong for me, because it would be the same as leaving home to hang out with a guy for a while (in a delightfully gendered setting). I would expect going on a date with me to not be fun for the guy in question, though, because friendzone right out the gate. It’s not progressing toward a dating relationship or sex, so what’s the point?
The reason the form has options for guys is for completeness reasons, though. It would be weird to have a form that didn’t have buttons for a man to press if he showed up. However, I don’t expect anyone to press them, because I don’t expect anyone of the relevant gender to want to. In the strange event that one wanted to take me out for no reason, you totally could.
I can easily see a reason, or rather, several.
The simplest (and one whose universal applicability I wish to emphasize, lest it be overwhelmed by the flood of text about more narrowly-applicable reasons below) is general enjoyment — why not arrange to spend a block of time interacting with someone you expect to (a) be at least somewhat physically attracted to and (b) find unusually conversationally stimulating in, as you put it, “a delightfully gendered setting.”
Which leads into reason number 2: Gender euphoria doesn’t just apply to trans people. There are an awful lot of cis dudes out there (and probably disproportionately many of them in the rationalist/adjacent community) who don’t get a lot of opportunities to consciously embody male gender roles in a meaningful and positive way. Having a girl say “Click here for a guaranteed chance to ‘treat me very female’ and have me be happy about it” is an opportunity not to be missed, especially given that …
From this perspective, going on a date with a girl who they have zero chance of actually getting into bed and/or a relationship with, for about the most ego-preserving reason possible, is perfect. They don’t have to worry about blowing an opportunity that was never there to be blown.
(To the extent that part of the point of this exercise is to practice not making an ass of themselves (and thereby confirm to themselves that this is actually a thing that they can do, in a romantic context), the fact that you’re a black (assuming a non-black Interested Male, because rationalist demographics; delete if inapplicable), gay, trans, immigrant Jew (okay, so rationalist demographics make that last one less likely to be relevant, but still) is arguably a bonus: If they can manage to go on a date with you without devouring their own feet, well then! Surely going on a date with a cishet, native-born, same-race, gentile girl should be Easy Mode, right!?)
And the value of low-risk practice is likely to be further increased by …
Reason 4: Given your whole Moderate Social Competence thing, combined with general rationalist/adjacent social norms, there is a vastly increased chance that if they do something unusually good or notably bad, you’ll actually tell them, and thereby improve their ability to attract women who are interested in dating men.
So, Teal Deer: There are lots of excellent reasons for men to be interested in going on a date with Alison sinesalvatorem, including but not limited to the expected enjoyability of the experience.
Sometimes some of the dating stuff is fun. Like, if my spouse or I are too tired or stressed to even consider sex, that doesn’t rule out going on a “date”. It might rule out going on a “date” that wasn’t sitting around the house.
Shoutout to all my closeted trans and nonbinary followers. You and your gender are still valid, even if others are not aware. I hope you stay safe and have a nice day.
when youre nonbinary but people dont realize youre nonbinary because you dont appeal to nonbinary standards and appeal to gender binary standards and people assume youre a certain gender and you accept it because you dont want to explain that youre nonbinary.
just moving along like everyone else 