“I was talking to a friend recently and I told him that I didn’t think I believed in the death penalty. And my friend said to me, ‘Oh, so you’re telling me that if you saw Hitler walking down the street you wouldn’t kill him?’
That wasn’t what I was telling you. But all right. Let’s talk about this… entirely new topic.” -John Mulaney
ok don’t get me wrong the ‘salt and pepper diner’ bit is hysterical, but john mulaney has so many more hilarious stories that no one seems to talk about:
•the party at the house of the teacher that everyone hated
•the dog trainer
•meeting bill clinton
•“hUSH!”
•“-too old to be a duckling, quack, quack!”
•“eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.”
•literally any story involving his parents (especially the black coffee one)
just please, do yourselves a favor, don’t just stop at ‘salt and pepper diner’, listen to all this guy’s stories because they are gold
Don’t forget
– sometimes I get nervous on airplanes
– Delta Airlines / The I Love My Girlfriend
– “I just wanna sit here and feed my birds”
– JOHN that bathroom’s been closed for FOURTY YEARS!
I love how it’s “The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and MISTER Hyde” as in, yeah, they are basically two sides of the same person but only ONE has a doctorate
#unless your bitch ass second personality helped you write that thesis it is your fucking doctorate
Our party—a bard, a fighter, and a ranger—were on a one-off side quest to deliver a letter to somebody. He wasn’t at his house (learned after breaking in, to the DM’s dismay), so we found out the general area he was in and went there, confusion in our wake and a spring in our steps. I, the bard, had decided that I would funnel every ounce of skill I possessed into charisma, and at level 5 had a +6 modifier. I had been using that power at every opportunity that arose. We wander through the foothills full of caves, looking for this guy, when our fighter rolls a nat 20 perception trying to look for any signs of life.
DM: You—okay, so. Yeah. With that, you actually notice about fifty feet away that a particular cluster of bushes is rustling just slightly, but not with the breeze.
Fighter: Oh. Cool. “Hey guys, I think there are some folks in those bushes over there.”
Me: “Cool beans! HELLOOOOOOO, MY DUDES!”
DM: There’s a few seconds of silence before four guys come slowly forward from the bushes. They look pretty rough and tough, and uh—
Ranger: Can I roll perception? Uh… that’s a 15.
DM: You deduce that they’re probably bandits or something. They’re walking forward and one of the guys says, “Who are you little pests, and what’re ya doing in these here foothills of ours?”
Me: “We’re just hanging out, traveling, and actually it seems like a good time to break for breakfast if you lovely gents would like to join us! I can brew us up some chamomile, I have like a thousand mushrooms I got earlier—”
Fighter: “I got that chicken, too, and jerky.”
Me: “Oh hell yeah, we’re gonna chow down if y’all want in on that action.”
DM: That’s, uh… that’s persuasion, advantage because you’re offering them food and seem too dumb to be dangerous.
Me: Thanks man. Uh… 14 total.
DM: *head in his hands* I just—okay, they join you for breakfast I guess. And yet again you avoid a fight I planned for you. One of the dudes breaks out some eggs from somewhere.
DM: ………<i>all of them???</i> I mean… sure?? I guess??
Me: Hells yeah. Rolling.
Proceeds to roll: 16, 19, and <i>two natural 20s</i>.
DM: *head on the table* Like. You—you make your fellow party members super uncomfortable. You are piled under boys, it’s kinda gross but super chill for you. Kent wasn’t super into the whole group thing before, but now he would straight up die for you. He’s learning a lot about himself today.
Me: I’m gonna write those names down for later. Can I put “a boys harem” in my items list?
Person A: You know… the thing Person B: The “thing”? Person A: Yeah, the thing with the little-! *mutters under their breath* Como es que se llama esa mierda… THE FISHING ROD
As someone with multiple bilingual friends where English is not the first language, may I present to you a list of actual incidents I have witnessed:
Forgot a word in Spanish, while speaking Spanish to me, but remembered it in English. Became weirdly quiet as they seemed to lose their entire sense of identity.
Used a literal translation of a Russian idiomatic expression while speaking English. He actually does this quite regularly, because he somehow genuinely forgets which idioms belong to which language. It usually takes a minute of everyone staring at him in confused silence before he says “….Ah….. that must be a Russian one then….”
Had to count backwards for something. Could not count backwards in English. Counted backwards in French under her breath until she got to the number she needed, and then translated it into English.
Meant to inform her (French) parents that bread in America is baked with a lot of preservatives. Her brain was still halfway in English Mode so she used the word “préservatifes.” Ended up shocking her parents with the knowledge that apparently, bread in America is full of condoms.
Defined a slang term for me……. with another slang term. In the same language. Which I do not speak.
Was talking to both me and his mother in English when his mother had to revert to Russian to ask him a question about a word. He said “I don’t know” and turned to me and asked “Is there an English equivalent for Нумизматический?” and it took him a solid minute to realize there was no way I would be able to answer that. Meanwhile his mom quietly chuckled behind his back.
Said an expression in English but with Spanish grammar, which turned “How stressful!” into “What stressing!”
Bilingual characters are great but if you’re going to use a linguistic blunder, you have to really understand what they actually blunder over. And it’s usually 10x funnier than “Ooops it’s hard to switch back.”
Tbh Melkor And Ungoliant’s Road Trip From Hell is one of my fave elf hell bits especially the part where Ungoliant is like “let me eat your phone” and Melkor is like [visibly texting] “I don’t have a phone”
just moving along like everyone else 