It’s 5 in the morning and I have a FANTASTIC story about how bad I made this one guy rage quit our DnD session tonight, all because he didn’t want to do a character interaction and he just wanted me to HAND HIM THE ANSWERS about my character’s backstory. I was in no way being malevolent about it, all i wanted to do was play a role-playing game by – oh, you know – ROLE-PLAYING – and he got SO UPSET you guys and I’m so fucking salty lmao
but it’s 5 AM so I’m going to tell this story when I wake up tomorrow
So before I get to the climax of this story I think I’m going to break down the escalation and the context into bullet points, because he’s been so fucking annoyed with everything that I do even though it was all legal lmao. It’s a long story so i’ll put it under a read more but it’s worth every second bc this guy can be extremely obnoxious and i’m not sorry at all for what i did.
How many of you have been banned from playing a bard in campaigns? I need to know for science.
For anyone that might ask- I had to sign a legally binding contract to not play bard characters if I wanted to join a campaign in my old group.
this is an outrage.
here’s what you do:
be a half-elf. the skill versatility trait is similar to the bard’s starting skill proficiencies
play a warlock. again, similar starting proficiencies. charisma is your spellcasting ability. very bardy
your otherworldly patron is the great old one. or the archfey. except call them your “otherworldly muse” or “otherworldly patron of the arts”
pick spells on the bard spell list, such as minor illusion, mage hand, dissonant whispers, or Tasha’s hideous laughter
take the entertainer background. much bard. wow.
choose pact of the blade if you’re a valor bard or pact of the tome if you’re a lore bard. i recommend the latter. pick the vicious mockery cantrip (because bard), as well as guidance and resistance (to emulate bardic inspiration)
for eldritch invocations, take beguiling influence for more skill proficiencies and book of ancient secrets to ape the bard’s magical secrets feature
if you miss having expertise, splash in a level or six of rogue, perhaps at fifth level
voila! you’re a bard in all but name. that’ll show ‘em
Professionals have standards. Be polite. Be efficient. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
Always have a plan. Always. And never tell a soul. 🙂
Damn.
Making notes…
This thread is unreadable to my ancient eyes, but is thankfully archived [ HERE ].
Have a free transcription:
what is the evilest thing you’ve ever done in a game?
“… A buddy of mine went off to college a few years back and ended up sharing an apartment style res with four other gamers. At first they were pretty cool guys, until I was invited to game with them. The entire lot of them were THAT guys, playing anthromorphic characters, being chaotic randum, one player had a custom made vampire race that was stupidly OP and only had a LA of +1. Shit had to stop and I knew that it was my duty to stop it. I played a LE human wizard who specialized in the creation of magical items, his character concept was that wealth was often equal to power and what better way to make cash on the up and up then by creating and selling gear catered to adventurers and the elites. Another quirk of his was that he kept a grimoire on him in which he wrote the names of those he and the party had slain, if a name was unavailable he would write a brief description, approximate age, and location of death. Whenever they’d stop in a major city he would copy the most recent additions and deliver it to the mortuaries, as an act of respect to the dead. I actually made this book in RL, and filled it out after every fight.I went full out on this guy and regularly made the parties equipment for ¾ of the cost it would have taken them to buy it, often giving discounts if it suited both of our needs for them to have the better gear.
My only stipulation was that my loot be kept on me, and not with the parties funds.
By the end of the campaign I was several levels under the party but had a huge stockpile of gold saved up to buy a nice island somewhere and live the good life. We finish off an evil draco lich that was bent on world domination and are about to go our seperate ways when the party barbarian stops my character and demands that I give them back the gold they paid for their equipment or he would kill and take it from me. I tried to reason with the rest of the party but they were all being greedy fucktards, It was four vs 1 and I wasn’t allowed spells from outside the phb, so none of the fantastic bullshit of celerity could save me, and the barbarian would unquestionably beat me on initiative if it got to combat. Resigned to my fate I did the only thing I could do, and spoke to them one last time.
“Lalilulelo” Our clerics armor suddenly burst into sunlight, the barbarians weapon animated and began to attack him, while his armor locked in place freezing him on the spot. The rogue was disintegrated on the spot as his gear spontaneously blasted him with magical rays.
Within a round the party was dead or incapacitated, save for my character, who calmly approached the frozen barbarian as he was hacked apart by his own weapon, pulled out his book and flipped to one of the first entries. As I described this I pulled out my copy of the book, and did the same, turning it so that the rest of the table could see where there names had been scrawled on the day I had met them.
“There was never any doubt in this outcome. I knew your greed would overwhelm you and took the necessary measures to stop you when it did. Perhaps if you had simply let me go things wouldn’t have gone just as planned.”
The table just kinda stared at me in silence. I didn’t play a very talkative role in the campaign, and usually kept what I did separate from the party pretty brief. They hadn’t even known my alignment, as my evil deeds were usually of the subtle sort, such as unfair contracts and manipulating the party into doing what I had planned. After the final fight I gathered the loot from the dracolich’s hoard, including the materials and instructions required to make a phylactery of my own. The campaign ended with my character getting the credit for saving the continent and being lauded as a hero, the others were quickly forgotten, as I claimed that they had fallen under the influence of the dracolich and been destroyed. The only legacy they left were their names scrawled in my book.”
Smug self-delighted players who get a kick out of being pointlessly nasty because ‘it’s just a game’ are the worst. Like dude. Bro. Your power fantasy says things about you.
I’ve been lucky to have never had one of these dolts in a group with me, the worst i had to deal with was a nerdlich who repeatedly bragged that with his stats he could “Beat Belldandy” (lol) but I’d welcome them if someone like OP was also there. Dat payoff.
a d&d campaign where everyone is a bard and you’re a punk rock band TRYING to go on tour but all these villages are just so fucked up
i am really digging the idea of, like, a bard bassist. a bard drummer.
a BARD BACKUP VOCALIST
running around trying to inspire adventurers via ONLY THE HARMONIES
ok next campaign: chaotic good alto
i am trying to figure out what your strategy would look like in a five-bard party
i mean presumably you’d mostly be trying to bluff your way through encounters, since dear god that is a squishy group
still, you’d probably have to fight sometimes
imagine one bard wielding a tiny dagger while four other bards simultaneously work some “inspire courage” by playing the loudest, wildest fantasy-punk riffs they’ve got
everyone rolls a twenty. the monster is defeated with essentially a coring knife. the power of rock n roll.
just moving along like everyone else 