Sometimes when I’m sad I like to imagine what would happen in a crossover universe between Discworld and Harry Potter, and what Granny Weatherwax would make of their style of magic.
But then I think about more important things, like what would have happened if Granny Weatherwax ever met Albus Dumbledore, and I can’t help but feel a whole lot of shit could have been avoided if he’d had a good clip round the ear and a strong talking to about the whole “my hands are tied” bullshit that enabled years of abuse and suffering at the hands of adults in a position of authority over young, vulnerable people.
Like oh, this spell requires the bond of blood to keep him safe, all right. So that just means we’re not going to hold these adults accountable for their torment and abuse? I think the entire fuck not, Albus.
Snape is a double agent who is actually working for the greater good. All right, but that doesn’t stop him from being an absolute fucking shit weasel who shouldn’t be around children until he learns to control himself and works out his issues in a safe and sane manner, what the fuck, Albus.
You have an entire school system that ascribes to ideas of inherent morality when in fact this is a thing that needs to be taught? Well no wonder there’s one house in particular that keeps going off the rails, you keep telling them they’re evil. Tell people something for long enough they’ll start to believe you. There’s nothing wrong with being selfish and cunning, sometimes that’s what it takes to survive. Teach them how to use those traits for good. As strength. My land, my home, my people (not my daughter, you bitch) how dare you try to hurt them. Teach them, Albus, you have to bloody teach them and realize that evil isn’t born. It’s made. In a thousand small deplorable ways. And it starts with treating people like things and I cannot be having with this.
Of course there’s also the other flipside to this thought process, which is imagining Gytha “Nanny” Ogg shouting “watcher Molly” as she thumps Bellatrix Lestrange on the back of the head with a cauldron, and drops her like a fucking stone. Later they’ll sit together and grieve, later there will be time to pick up the pieces and mourn. But for now there are things to fight for, people to keep alive. And people to keep from doing what they shouldn’t ever have to do, so you find a way to do it for them, by hook, crook or blunt force trauma.
And because my head wont let go of this thought:
“You always was a right little miss,” she said, taking a puff from her pipe and resettling her weight with a hefty bounce as the younger witch struggled to get out from under Nanny’s considerable girth. “Giving yourself airs and graces and such. Pretending you was too good to scrub a pot. Well, let me tell you something, Mistress Lestrange, you ain’t fit for nothing no more except maybe a noose. And if I had my way that might be the end of it. But we don’t do things like that no more, we don’t rule by blood.”
“Then you’re weak,” Lestrange shot back, still struggling to claw her way free. “A weak, old woman with nothing left but tricks up your fat sleeve.”
Nanny puffed in silence for a few more moments, then reached up her sleeve. “And your wand, dearie. Walnut is it? With a dragon heartstring core? Very nice, painting it black was a bit much, but you always were fond of your dramatics.”
She pulled out her own wand, holding it out under Bellatrix’s nose, whose face went cross eyed and then wide with panic.
“You know, I’ve only ever heard of Priori Incantatem,” she said, puffing on the end of her pipe until the pit glowed cherry red then white hot and she exhaled smoke like a dragon, “but I wasn’t about to risk it, not in front of all those kiddies. But I reckon now might be a good time…”
Also, for your consideration. Feegles.
“Haul yoo, aye yoo, the great big ugly gangly scunner wi-oot a nose. Can ye sew? Well stitch this.”
Harry watched in consternation as Voldemort staggered back, dropped to the ground like a ton of bricks and lay still.
“That’s it?” he demanded, lowering his wand. “That’s all you had to do?”
Rob
Anybody, perched on his shoulder, looked up at the young wizard out the
corner of the eye, which was to say he looked him in the nostrils.“Weell,”
he said, gesturing towards the chaos that had been unleashed as the
full force of the Nac Mac Feegle was unleashed upon the band of Death
Eaters, primarily by running up the inside of their trousers. “That’s
the thing about the lads. Once they’ve decided tae dae something, they
dae it good and hard.”“But you just headbutted him!”
“Aye, weill,” Rob said, feeling as though the lad wasn’t quite grasping the practicality of the situation, “he might be a bloody great dark bigjob wizard, but he cannae cast a spell wi-oot a heid.”
Ok but the one I want to see is Dolores Umbridge vs Munstrum Ridcully, becuase that would be the Petty Academic Slapfight of doom.
Because Ridcully, for all his faults, probably understands that the actual learning of magic relies on a certain degree of both freedom and madness and sometimes explosions.
And Umbridge would crawl right up his skin with her concept of a “Defense Against The Dark Arts” Course, and in the middle of a lecture on recent runes, would go on a “tangent” on the history of various dark wizards and the means by which they were defeated and here Why Don’t We Have A Practical Outside, The Weather Is Nice (The weather is not nice. It’s Scotland. In Late November.) But everyone is really curious to see the old man actually take his wand out for once, only to discover that that’s not a wand at all, that’s a Burleigh & Stronginthearm and they’re all going to pass it around and whoever shoots the weathervane off the top of Ravenclaw tower gets 50 points. Hannah Abbot puts a bolt through Umbridge’s window, taking out a kitten plate and gets 100 points.
Fred and George turn the third floor corridor into a Swamp and Umbridge is pleased to hear Ridcully bellowing at the Weasley boys about “BLOODY INSONSIDERATE, NEVER HAVE I EVER MET SUCH WRETCHEDLY-” but the second she’s around the corner it changes to “-brilliant young men, how much is this setup you have here? That potions-master could do with some aggravated moisturizing. Speaking of moisturizing, what would it take to get you two gentlemen to work on the faculty baths? Disgustingly substandard, nowhere to put your nail trimmings-”
Ridcully would like the students there too, I think. Especially the Slytherins, because he’s perfectly aware how important being a cunning bastard and willing to get your hands dirty or bloody if needed is, especially in the world of Magical Academia. They’re socially intelligent and disenchanted with the system, not Evil, Albus. The Malfoy boy would be a lot less trouble if he had something to do besides practicing subject’s he’s bored with. Fratricide, perhaps. I’m kidding Albus! (he’s only sort of kidding. Maybe not murder. Just turn him into a toad and keep him as a familair in a bowl on the mantlepiece.)
He’d be so mad about the Chamber of secrets though. Potter! A Basilisk! Why didn’t you bring the head back up it’d be magnificent hanging over the great hall.
Oh I see.
Well why didn’t you go BACK? Perfectly good potion ingredients going to waste, doesn’t that brooding mop of a potions master teach you anything about looti- er, collecting spell components?I forgot I wrote this haha, and I’m glad @gallusrostromegalus made it better.
Okay but feagles and house elves tho
Obeyin’ the hag is one thing, but any hag that’d that inna worth the title
(Dobby takes it up first, under his breath: “no lords and no masters”)
Havelock Vetenari is not a man to “Go Spare”, and certainly not without good cause but that shambling mountain of paperwork and prejudice they call “The Ministry Of Magic” is several thousand good reasons. He doesn’t even WANT to take over this disaster but he can’t rest so long as it continues to exist.
But. He’s better than that. Why waste time in pointless rage when there are things he can actually do to fix this?
“Mr. Lipvig.” He says, conversationally. “Did you know that the currency conversion rates haven’t changed since Gringotts was founded? Seventeen silver sickles to a gold galleon since the 1100’s”
He doesn’t really need to say anything else. Moist blinks a few times, then gradually begins to vibrate as every instinct he possess is called to the forefront.
“They’re just down the street if you wanted to see their facilities-”
Moist’s chair actually spins with the force of his rapid departure.“
Tag: discworld
“You need to believe in things that aren’t true. How else can they become” – Hogfather, Terry Pratchett
it’s seasonal lads
IT’S SEASONAL AGAIN LADS
Death is by far, my favorite character. He and I share a great deal
“On Azrael’s Fingertip,” by Stephen Player
Discworld 2015 Calendar November ImageI love! This! The way the fingerprint whorls are like deep ridges just as described in the book! The floating clock! The way the galaxies and nebulae are actually Azrael’s facial features, distorted by just how unfathomably huge they really are! And how very, very tiny Death looks in comparison.
This image honestly conveys the enormity of the character development Death has undergone during Reaper Man. He was so angry with Mort for interfering with the inevitability of a human’s death. But years later, here he is, making his case before the infinite Death of Universes Himself to receive just a
little, precious time, to pay back a human for the sacrifice she
made for him.Aʟʟ ᴛʜɪɴɢs ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴀʀᴇ, ᴀʀᴇ ᴏᴜʀs. Bᴜᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ᴄᴀʀᴇ. Fᴏʀ ɪғ ᴡᴇ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴄᴀʀᴇ, ᴡᴇ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴇxɪsᴛ. Iғ ᴡᴇ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴇxɪsᴛ, ᴛʜᴇɴ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ɪs ɴᴏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʙᴜᴛ ʙʟɪɴᴅ ᴏʙʟɪᴠɪᴏɴ. Aɴᴅ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴏʙʟɪᴠɪᴏɴ ᴍᴜsᴛ ᴇɴᴅ sᴏᴍᴇᴅᴀʏ. Lᴏʀᴅ, ᴡɪʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ɢʀᴀɴᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴛɪᴍᴇ? Fᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʀᴏᴘᴇʀ ʙᴀʟᴀɴᴄᴇ ᴏғ ᴛʜɪɴɢs. Tᴏ ʀᴇᴛᴜʀɴ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴀs ɢɪᴠᴇɴ. Fᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ sᴀᴋᴇ ᴏғ ᴘʀɪsᴏɴᴇʀs ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ғʟɪɢʜᴛ ᴏғ ʙɪʀᴅs.
Lᴏʀᴅ, ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴄᴀɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀʀᴠᴇsᴛ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ғᴏʀ, ɪғ ɴᴏᴛ ғᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴘᴇʀ ᴍᴀɴ?
God, I love this so much.
I don’t know what to do,” he said.
“No harm in that. I’ve never known what to do,” said Rincewind with hollow cheerfulness. “Been completely at a loss my whole life.” He hesitated. “I think it’s called being human, or something.
Terry Pratchett – Sorcery (via terrypratchettparadise)
i drew granny again but this time shes flying around using the aro and ace flags as a cape bc shes aroace. “but she wouldnt do that theyre too colorful it would mess with her aesthetic” shhhhhhhh irrelevant
q: does this ever stop being beautiful?
a: no
Every time I recommend Discworld to someone, I get asked “where should I start?” There are several reading order guides floating around the internet, but they just give the order of each series, they don’t give you any information on which to base a choice of starter novel. For that, use this handy
(and very biased, okay, I admit it)flow chart!For everyone one who has been asking ME where to start (I’m sorry I don’t reply to you all I get asked this so often) this is an exceedingly good chart.
@abadpoetwithdreams I found it
This past Christmas my brother and I decided to start my mother on Discworld (she had said she was wanting to read more for fun). I made the decision to go with Wyrd Sisters and Small Gods. It seems to have worked out.
Going nuts–or, rather, not going nuts–was the soul and centre of witchcraft, and this was how it worked. After a while, a witch, who almost always worked by herself in the tradition of witches, had a tendency to go… strange. Of course, it depended on the length of time and the strength of mind of the witch, but sooner or later they tended to get confused about things like right and wrong and good and bad and truth and consequences. That could be very dangerous. So witches had to keep one another normal, or at least what was normal for witches. It didn’t take very much: a tea party, a singalong, a stroll in the woods, and somehow everything balanced up, and they could look at advertisements for gingerbread cottages in the builder’s brochure without putting a deposit on one.
Terry Pratchett, I Shall Wear Midnight
(via discworldquotes)
I had many fascinating and enjoyable phone calls about the books while he was writing them–the phone would ring: ‘Listen to this’, and he would read a passage he was particularly pleased with, and I could see why; or ‘I’m not sure what should happen now’ and he would tell me the plot up to that moment, and we’d talk about its possible direction. Then he’d say ‘Right, I know what happens now.‘ The call was finished, and I’d hear no more, but when I read the final text there’d never be even an echo of our conversation: something had struck him from a completely different direction and was better than anything we’d discussed during that call. Genius.
I miss those calls, his company, his humour, and his erudition, but we have his books, the deep moral sense that pervades and imbues them, their supreme craftsmanship, his skill in writing works to which we return again and again, his characters, his puns, his footnotes. I miss the challenges he set me, and the pleasure involved in their achievement, sometimes to his considerable surprise. There won’t be another like him, but his values will influence and inspire his readers for as long as his books are read. Children become adults, teenagers become professors and heads of industry. And as Terry influenced them, they influence the world.
Colin Smythe (Pratchett’s publisher and agent), “The Terry Pratchett Diary”
(via noirandchocolate)
Colin as Conductor of Light
(via grassangel)
Let’s talk about wizards and witches. There is a tendency to talk of them in one breath, as though they were simply different sexual labels for the same job. It isn’t true. In the fantasy world, there is no such thing as a male witch. […]
Sorceress? Just a better class of witch. Enchantress? Just a witch with good legs. The fantasy world, in fact, is overdue for a visit from the Equal Opportunities people because, in the fantasy world, magic done by women is usually of poor quality, third-rate, negative stuff, while the wizards are usually cerebral, clever, powerful and wise. […]
According to my eight-year-old daughter’s book on wizards, a nicely illustrated little paperback available at any good bookshop, ‘wizards undid the harm caused by evil witches’. There it is again, the recurrent message: female magic is cheap and nasty. […]
It’s going to be a long time before there’s room for equal rites.
Sir Terry Pratchett, “Why Gandalf Never Married”, A Slip of the Keyboard.
If you want to read the full essay, which is packed with more insight than posted above, you can find it here.
(via oldstonefacevimes)
One of the many, many reasons I loved Pratchett’s magic series – the Unseen University, the Granny Weatherwax books, the Tiffany Aching series – is that he built this dichotomy into the story – showed the sexism and showed the ways in which it might be overcome or even used to benefit others. There’s no doubt that Tiffany, for example, is more powerful than any of the wizards at the University; that she is unrecognized for this is part of the point.
And so much of what witches and wizards do is not magic, and is not magic in very different ways – witches’ medicines and visits and assistance only rarely incorporates magic but they are out there doing good every day, while wizards use their magic as a bludgeon, so that whenever they’re not doing magic, the absence of harm from it is somehow considered a benefit. It’s a fascinating universe Pratchett cooked up and I love how much it’s given me to think about over the decades.
(via leupagus)
just moving along like everyone else 