Mr. Rogers had an intentional manner of speaking to children, which his writers called “Freddish”. There were nine steps for translating into Freddish:
- “State the idea you wish to express as clearly as possible, and in terms preschoolers can understand.” Example: It is dangerous to play in the street.
- “Rephrase in a positive manner,” as in It is good to play where it is safe.
- “Rephrase the idea, bearing in mind that preschoolers cannot yet make subtle distinctions and need to be redirected to authorities they trust.” As in, “Ask your parents where it is safe to play.”
- “Rephrase your idea to eliminate all elements that could be considered prescriptive, directive, or instructive.” In the example, that’d mean getting rid of “ask”: Your parents will tell you where it is safe to play.
- “Rephrase any element that suggests certainty.” That’d be “will”: Your parents can tell you where it is safe to play.
- “Rephrase your idea to eliminate any element that may not apply to all children.” Not all children know their parents, so: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play.
- “Add a simple motivational idea that gives preschoolers a reason to follow your advice.” Perhaps: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is good to listen to them.
- “Rephrase your new statement, repeating the first step.” “Good” represents a value judgment, so: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is important to try to listen to them.
- “Rephrase your idea a final time, relating it to some phase of development a preschooler can understand.” Maybe: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is important to try to listen to them, and listening is an important part of growing.
Mr. Rogers Had a Simple Set of Rules for Talking to Children – The Atlantic
Rogers brought this level of care and attention not just to granular
details and phrasings, but the bigger messages his show would send.
Hedda Sharapan, one of the staff members at Fred Rogers’s production
company, Family Communications, Inc., recalls Rogers once halted taping
of a show when a cast member told the puppet Henrietta Pussycat not to
cry; he interrupted shooting to make it clear that his show would never
suggest to children that they not cry.In working on the show,
Rogers interacted extensively with academic researchers. Daniel R.
Anderson, a psychologist formerly at the University of Massachusetts who
worked as an advisor for the show, remembered a speaking trip to
Germany at which some members of an academic audience raised questions
about Rogers’s direct approach on television. They were concerned that
it could lead to false expectations from children of personal support
from a televised figure. Anderson was impressed with the depth of
Rogers’s reaction, and with the fact that he went back to production
carefully screening scripts for any hint of language that could confuse
children in that way.In fact, Freddish and Rogers’s philosophy of
child development is actually derived from some of the leading
20th-century scholars of the subject. In the 1950s, Rogers, already well
known for a previous children’s TV program, was pursuing a graduate
degree at The Pittsburgh Theological Seminary when a teacher there
recommended he also study under the child-development expert Margaret
McFarland at the University of Pittsburgh. There he was exposed to the
theories of legendary faculty, including McFarland, Benjamin Spock, Erik
Erikson, and T. Berry Brazelton. Rogers learned the highest standards
in this emerging academic field, and he applied them to his program for
almost half a century.This is one of the reasons Rogers was so
particular about the writing on his show. “I spent hours talking with
Fred and taking notes,” says Greenwald, “then hours talking with
Margaret McFarland before I went off and wrote the scripts. Then Fred
made them better.” As simple as Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood looked and sounded, every detail in it was the product of a tremendously careful, academically-informed process.That idea is REALLY worth learning to talk to the kiddos. Mr. Rogers still has a lot to teach us–especially for our own kids.
Tag: children
Petition to fucking salt and burn the concept of “attention-seeking behaviour” as something intrinsically bad in children
To elaborate: If a child especially* is seeking attention, it’s because they fucking need some attention. “Attention and interaction from adults” is a non-negotiable neurological need. It is as important as food and water and clothing and a place to pee.
There will be times when a child seeks attention that are Unfortunate, either because now is not a good time for attention, or because the manner in which they are trying to get the attention is Unfortunate. See also “TALK TO ME WHEN YOU ARE ON AN IMPORTANT PHONE-CALL” and “I WILL GET YOUR ATTENTION BY SCREAMING AND BREAKING YOUR STUFF.”
But here’s the trick: if they are seeking attention then, and in that way, that means that they are not getting attention they need otherwise. And not reinforcing the bad behaviour is only half the solution. The other half is giving them attention in other ways and responses to other things.
If the only way that a child gets attention is by acting out? They will act out. Their all-powerful lizard-brains (which are absolutely, in children, VERY POWERFUL) will eventually literally just see the negative consequences of the behaviour as the price to pay for getting the attention their brains absolutely need as much as their bodies need food and water and to take a piss.
You cannot get out of the absolute responsibility to give a child under your care regular positive attention and interaction. If the child under your care is starting to show bad attention-seeking behaviour? That is a fail-proof diagnostic that on some level that child is not getting the attention and validation they need.
This does not mean that you do things that will tell them “yes, behaving this way will get you good attention.” But it does mean that you need to start showing them how to get more good attention from you.
You have to start teaching, “No, you cannot crawl all over me when I’m on the phone – but when I hang up the phone you can come ask for a hug or for me to look at your drawing”. YOU HAVE TO DO BOTH PARTS OF THIS. If you need a child to stop doing things like Making Messes for Attention, you have to start GIVING THEM attention for good things (and you know you might have to start at the very very bottom of the rung with “thank you so much for not making a mess today! Let’s play hide and seek!” Or something similar, but TOUGH SHIT, YOU ARE THE GROWNUP, THEY ARE THE CHILD).
… and if the child in question is younger than 12 (well really 18 at least, but DEFINITELY 12) months just fucking pay attention to them, they don’t have the cognitive capacity to understand putting off fulfillment, ok?
You know what the WORST THING possible for a baby to start doing is? Not trying to get adult attention.
Because that means that their brains have decided that you have abandoned them in the grass for the hyenas to eat, so they’re just going to stop developing and start dissociating. And this ends up with attachment disorders that will actually cause the child great difficulties in later life.
If a baby is crying and honestly distressed, fucking soothe it already.
(nb: yes, to some extent babies do need to learn to self-soothe; this lady has an actually sane article about this process which is a miracle, which gets into more detail about the processes involved and how it is a PROCESS, not just leaving the baby there to cry itself into hysterical exhaustion and teaching it that you won’t respond to its needs. PROCESS.) (nb2: sometimes the sleep/soothe process also gets into genuinely Medically Complicated Territory at which point you should be working with an actual paediatrician with specific training/etc, and you STILL don’t just leave the fucking baby there to scream for hours, trust me).
This has been your swear-filled elaboration of a friend’s aggravation for the day. Tip your server.
*adults also need attention, but adults are, well, adults: it is in fact their own responsibility to figure out how to seek attention from people who have the capacity to give it to them, at times that are good for everyone involved, etc. Children, however, are damn well children and it is the responsibility of caregiver adults to fulfill their needs and TEACH THEM how to fulfill their needs as they grow.
*holds a lighter aloft*
That is such a good rant, I adore it and welcome it and validate it! raising a cub of my own, and caring a lot about attachment theory, has really put this into practice in concrete ways. You can actually OBSERVE the cub needing attention to make their brain grow. (sometimes, when I don’t have anything left to say/give, but the cub needs attention, I just smile and burble repeatedly, “Warm eye contact! Warm eye contact to make your brain grow!! Yeahh! Warm eye contact! Positive attention!” because I’ve run out of things to say, but the baby doesn’t know that yet, ho ho ho)
But Discoursing away from baby development, one thing I always question is the CONTEXT for which people dismiss behavior as attention-seeking. It’s always cast as this terribly bad thing, “attention-seeking,” as if people noticing you is this corrosive thing that damages you and everyone around you. This thing that should be punished, by denying attention, like:
- “Ugh! how dare you exist!”
- “I really hate it when babies have needs!”
- “The worst part is when babies have needs and they EXPRESS them.”
- “She has dyed her hair a noticeable color. Probably because she didn’t get enough attention from her father, and she is now trying to use her hair to STEAL ATTENTION from everybody else.”
- “That outfit, which shows some skin, has attracted my attention – isn’t that awful? They should be punished, for using their visible skin to seek attention.”
- “How dare you blog, where I can find it and see it with my own eyes.”
- “Why are you EXCELLING at something? Ugh! Always doing it for attention.”
- “Why are you FAILING at something? Ugh! Weren’t you getting ENOUGH attention?”
- “That sounds complicated. I think you’re making it up. Making it up for attention.”
- “I went somewhere and – can you believe this – there was a young person, quite a young human, MAKING A NOISE, where I could hear it, and their caretakers did not forcibly stop it from doing so!! Honestly. People should be licensed before they have children.”
- “I just saw a reminder that some people use special accommodation [blue badge/designated parking spot/baby on board sticker/service dog/etc] and I am just so SICK of people rubbing their CONSTANT need for attention in my FACE.”
You know how in Harry Potter, whatever Harry does, his bullies and abusers say that he’s doing it for attention, so they dismiss it and mock it? If he publicly has ANYTHING, from a mild compliment to a broken limb – “Weren’t you getting enough attention, Potter?”
“Look at you EXISTING, Potter. Were you hoping to form some kind of human connection? Did you think you could exist, and occasionally need things? Well, we’ve seen through THAT pathetic ploy. REQUEST DENIED.”
It’s pretty weird, is what I’m saying. It’s kind of a thing that shitty people say.
Anyway, I’ve found it pretty liberating in my life (and good for my mental health!) to question this. Why is attention-seeking positioned as bad? Why is asking for it a good reason to be denied it? Why are certain people denied attention, such that everything they do is cast as a desperate ploy to acquire the attention they are not entitled to? How exactly does the existence of crying baby, a woman’s pink hair, or a blue badge apparently manage to suck all of the air out of the room?
Given that we are social animals who require positive attention to grow, maintain relationships, keep our mental health and do our jobs well, what’s so bad about giving it to people?
Given that so many humans are raised in such a broken way that they seek negative attention – resulting in terrible things and a broken world – what is even so terrible about people explicitly asking for attention in a positive way, with something like brightly colored hair, or by creating a piece of art for others to see?
Why is attention-seeking intrinsically bad?
so here’s some meta: the ones who get angry about attention seeking behavior… are seeking attention by doing so.
i have occasionally pointed out that the things people do/say to hurt you betray what they themselves are most hurt by. what i haven’t said is how i first learned that: by observing how often touch-starved allistics described my touch aversion as ‘attention seeking’ when i was a kid.
me: pls stop touching, i need alone time, for god’s sake please let me leave
them: god you’re so needy you’ll do anything for attention
me: i’m trying to avoid attention… to get attention?
them: well obviously it’s working!
it didn’t take long for me to realize that if they were seeing everything i did as a desperate attempt to get contact, they must be lonely as hell.
child handling for the childless nurse
My current job has me working with children, which is kind of a weird shock after years in environments where a “young” patient is 40 years old. Here’s my impressions so far:
Birth – 1 year: Essentially a small cute animal. Handle accordingly; gently and affectionately, but relying heavily on the caregivers and with no real expectation of cooperation.
Age 1 – 2: Hates you. Hates you so much. You can smile, you can coo, you can attempt to soothe; they hate you anyway, because you’re a stranger and you’re scary and you’re touching them. There’s no winning this so just get it over with as quickly and non-traumatically as possible.
Age 3 – 5: Nervous around medical things, but possible to soothe. Easily upset, but also easily distracted from the thing that upset them. Smartphone cartoons and “who wants a sticker?!!?!?” are key management techniques.
Age 6 – 10: Really cool, actually. I did not realize kids were this cool. Around this age they tend to be fairly outgoing, and super curious and eager to learn. Absolutely do not babytalk; instead, flatter them with how grown-up they are, teach them some Fun Gross Medical Facts, and introduce potentially frightening experiences with “hey, you want to see something really cool?”
Age 11 – 14: Extremely variable. Can be very childish or very mature, or rapidly switch from one mode to the other. At this point you can almost treat them as an adult, just… a really sensitive and unpredictable adult. Do not, under any circumstances, offer stickers. (But they might grab one out of the bin anyway.)
Age 15 – 18: Basically an adult with severely limited life experience. Treat as an adult who needs a little extra education with their care. Keep parents out of the room as much as possible, unless the kid wants them there. At this point you can go ahead and offer stickers again, because they’ll probably think it’s funny. And they’ll want one. Deep down, everyone wants a sticker.
This is adorable and true. Also for age 1-2: get the correct flavour of medication or suffer the consequences.
This maps quite closely onto my pediatrics experience. Especially the part about getting medication falvors right. GOD but have I been spraypainted too many times with “strawberry”-flabored ampicillin. (And is it ever a pain in the butt to get out of a white uniform.)
Am I the only person on the planet who instantly gets along with 97% of toddlers? See, here’s the thing about kids age about, oh, 9 months to 2 ½ with a LOT of “squish” into other groups at the ends of that time gap. Mostly kids who are okay at walking but still not super functional with expressive speech.
Kids that age are SMART. They understand a TON of their native language. They don’t have really good ways of expressing things, but they’re super aware of body language and detect fear and nervousness almost instantly.
So being confident of yourself is GOOD. It is reassuring.
Talking to them as you would to any person who you know understands you is GOOD. It’s okay to emphasize the important words. Pick up some baby signs if you’re working with this group, LOTS of babies are being taught rudimentary ASL signs (not grammar, just one word nouns and verbs and the occasional two word phrase). They won’t use them with you if they think you won’t understand, but the sign for “hurt” is important in a medical setting anyway. Hurt goes wherever the hurt is (you sign it over the tummy or at the ear or whatever for tummy aches and earaches.) You don’t have to go squeaky or fake with this age group, but repeating important words if they don’t seem to understand right away helps kids learn language and they like people who help them learn language.
Being honest and not emotionally loading things is good. “We’re going to do a shot and it might hurt for a second, but it’s going to be really fast and then we’ll be all done.”
Kids this age respond well to silly surprise. Peek-a-boo and funny faces are good. You’re looking for surprise and unexpected, not fright.
They also respond to people getting on their level. I find myself repeating what they say a lot, for clarity, and this is not patronizing, it’s letting them know that you understand. Never underestimate the value of showing kids you understand. I’ve seen kids throwing frustrated tantrums absolutely stop when I said, “Are you really upset because you can’t say the words and you have something you want to tell us?”
And the response? The kid chilled out completely and said, “yes.”
When there are choices, use Choice Hands with not-very-verbal kids. If you have the physical things to choose from, you say, “Do you want x” (present thing) “or do you want Y” present thing in other hand.
But you don’t have to have the actual things. “Do you want a sticker”(hold out hand) or a toy (hold out other hand). If they get the concept, they’ll point at the hand that represents what they want.
Sample conversation with a crying child might be
“Do you hurt” “Or something else” (something else)
“Are you sad” “Or something else” (something else)
“Are you afraid?” “Or something else” (afraid)I’ve seen 18 month olds speaking in complete sentences, the main difference between those kids and other kids who aren’t isn’t necessarily smarts, it’s more often motor control. The brain is in rapid wiring mode and what gets installed/pruned in what order varies from kid to kid, but language comprehension usually leads language expression by a lot.
I’ve seen medical professionals walk into a room and frighten my children almost instantly, and I’ve seen medical professionals walk in, set my kid at ease and have them laughing through an exam. I would say the biggest difference is that the ones who get the kids laughing genuinely like and respect children and show them that.
Awesome stuff from @jenroses (as usual).
One thing I want to point out is this bit:Sample conversation with a crying child might be
“Do you hurt” “Or something else” (something else)
“Are you sad” “Or something else” (something else)
“Are you afraid?” “Or something else” (afraid)It also applies to autistics that have been trained to say “yes” (ABA therapy) so the “or something else” is really important. Give them (children or autistics that have been trained) ways to say “something else”. Yes/no questions are a starting point, but probing gently will give you more accurate answers.
i want dogs to be allowed at more places and i want children under 6 to not be
yeah cool and make young parents, almost always mothers, never leave the house again and socially isolate and publically embarrass em cuz they can’t afford babysitters for years, cool idea.
at what point as a culture have we decided to hate on kids collectively. is it since the invention of refined sugars, I wouldn’t surprised if there was a connection.And then be surprised when the children have zero social skills because they’ve been told they’re not welcome on account of Not Being Real People But Dogs Are Totally Ok.
…wow the comments on this are fucking scary. How many of the people going ‘yes ban kids from public spaces’ are also feeling disrespected by baby boomers?
Do you fuckers not understand that Children. Are. People.
I’m conflicted about this, and I think it’s because the children that are most disruptive are the offspring of people who do not believe Children Are People, and that is the whole source of the problem.
I absolutely think that’s true. We need to allow for the fact that kids are adults in training and will often require our patience and leniency. BUT they respond much better to being treated with respect than, by default, as a nuisance.
Kids in adult spaces are in a very difficult position. They are in a place where they can’t play freely, because it might disrupt the peace- so it’s up to adults who require them to behave with more control to include them and offer them something in exchange. Like, shit, it’s not fun when you’re five and there’s a family dinner and all the adults are talking about adult stuff you don’t understand, no one wants to talk to you because they’re not interested in the things that fascinate you, but you’re also expected to sit quietly and politely for as long as the adults need you to. And follow certain rules you might not even know exist yet. And not interrupt the conversation because whatever you say is not as important as whatever adults have to say, for some reason.
People often don’t realise how much self-control they actually demand from children. There was this excellent post once about how yes, you CAN take walks with your toddler, if you just account for the fact that they take smaller strides and walk slower than you. Scale down the experience. Make it inclusive. Make it enjoyable for everyone. Kids are People, and Kids are Not As Experienced Or Capable As You.
And also chill with the reactions to kids existing- soooo many people get all annoyed if they just hear a child’s voice. But if an adult says something a little louder, or does something clumsy, it’s no big deal. Every time I take an airplane and there’s a little kid, their babbling and whimpering and, yes, even crying is way less annoying than the exasperated sighs and demands to ‘shut that kid up!’ from entitled adults around me. Like, ok, the baby’s a baby, what’s your excuse for being rude and disruptive?
Whenever I see a child at a restaurant being ignored by their parents I try to engage the child in peek-a-boo or waving or just smiling. I know how bad social anxiety is, and I want to do my best to make sure no one else is forced into it – by making sure that being in public is a desired thing for the child.
It has the side effect of reducing crying and yelling, because the child is too entranced to think of crying.Ultimately, I wish children were treated like dogs, in that people look forward to seeing them and interacting with them, even complimenting them. And that dogs were treated more like children, with owners watching out for them and there not being regulations treating them as pariahs to be hidden or shunned.
This whole hating on children trend is so ugly
FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT holy crap
Even if you don’t like kids, be nice to them, treat them with dignity. They did nothing to you, especially not purposefully. A child won’t understand why an adult is being mean to them, but the psychological and emotional toll will be very real for them.
just moving along like everyone else 