Taken from Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D. A summary of the tips the book hands you on how to recognize emotionally healthy people.
They’re realistic and reliable
They work with reality rather than fighting it. They see problems and try to fix them, instead of overreacting with a fixation on how things should be.
They can feel and think at the same time. The ability to think even when upset makes an emotionally mature person someone you can reason with. They don’t lose their ability to see another perspective just because they aren’t getting what they want.
Their consistency makes them reliable. Because they have an integrated sense of self, they usually won’t surprise you with unexpected inconsistencies.
They don’t take everything personally. They can laugh at themselves and their foibles. They’re realistic enough to not feel unloved just because you made a mistake.
They’re respectful and reciprocal
They respect your boundaries. They’re looking for connection and closeness, not intrusion, control or enmeshment. They respect your individuality and that others have the final say on what their motivations are. They may tell you how they feel about what you did, but they don’t pretend to know you better than you know yourself.
They give back. They don’t like taking advantage of people, nor do they like the feeling of being used.
They are flexible and compromise well. Because collaborative, mature people don’t have an agenda to win at all costs, you won’t feel like you’re being taken advantage of. Compromise doesn’t mean mutual sacrifice; it means a mutual balancing of desires. They care about how you feel and don’t want to leave you feeling unsatisfied.
They’re even-tempered. They don’t sulk or pout for long periods of time or make you walk on eggshells.
When angered, they will usually tell you what’s wrong and ask you to do things differently. They’re willing to take the initiative to bring conflict to a close.
They are willing to be influenced. They don’t feel threatened when other people see things differently, nor are they afraid of seeming weak if they don’t know something. They may not agree, but they’ll try to understand your point of view.
They’re truthful. They understand why you’re upset if they lie or give you a false impression.
They apologize and make amends. They want to be responsible for their own behavior and are willing to apologize when needed.
They’re responsive
Their empathy makes you feel safe. Along with self-awareness, empathy is the soul of emotional intelligence.
They make you feel seen and understood. Their behavior reflects their desire to really get to know you, rather than looking for you to mirror them. They aren’t afraid of your emotions and don’t tell you that you should be feeling some other way.
They like to comfort and be comforted. They are sympathetic and know how crucial friendly support can be.
They reflect on their actions and try to change. They clearly understand how people affect each other emotionally. They take you seriously if you tell them about a behavior of theirs that makes you uncomfortable. They’ll remain aware of the issue and demonstrate follow-through in their attempts to change.
They can laugh and be playful. Laughter is a form of egalitarian play between people and reflects an ability to relinquish control and follow someone else’s lead.
They’re enjoyable to be around. They aren’t always happy, but for the most part they seem able to generate their own good feelings and enjoy life.
ive been reading a book that basically explains how so-called “brain differences” between the genders is the result of gendered socialization and not the cause of it. i honestly expected the book to be very cis-centric but its actually the opposite, the author stresses that testimony from trans ppl is actually indispensable because we’ve, in a sense, “lived both experiences”
more cis feminists should have this mindset
one of the first examples that she uses to introduce her point about how perception by others can shape a person’s performance actually uses a trans woman. it explains that as a certain trans woman became to be seen as a woman more and more frequently, the ppl arond her eventually started viewing her as being ill equipped for tasks that they did not bother her about pre-transition. eventually she even found herself underperforming in these tasks herself.
I knew it was this book before I’d finished reading the first two lines. Honestly this book is indispensible if you want to debunk any gender determinism people claim is science. I can’t recommend it enough.
(Bonus bonus: I am myself a neuroscientist, and the old white men mentioned above – who are not – could not have missed the point harder if they’d actively tried. Which. Maybe?)
hey gyns let me plug a book for a second. its a childhood favorite of mine, but its also one of the best fairy tale books for little girls, imho. its called ‘the serpent slayer: and other stories of strong women’, and its a collection of fairy tales from around the world whose main characters are women. some of my favorite stories from it include:
neesowa and the chenoo – when an injured chenoo (an evil, cannibalistic monster) stumbles upon neesowa’s camp, she throws the monster off balance by treating him with kindness and sharing her home with him as he recovers, which pays off when another chenoo attacks her camp.
grandmother skull – a young woman, neruvana, marries a man who kills her entire family and abandons her. thankfully, the skull of her grandmother comes to life to teach her how to survive and to help her get revenge.
beebyeebyee and the water god – a young woman, beebyeebyee, falls in love with a water god who is slain by the envious people of her village. she gets revenge.
three whiskers from a lions chin – maria wants to help her husband, who returned from war a changed man, and the local bruja sends her off to get three whiskers from a lions chin, apparently a key ingredient in a magic spell that will bring her husband back to himself. when she brings the whiskers back to the bruja, the woman explains that there is no magic spell, but that with time, and the same patience she used to get the whiskers, she can help her husband recover.
the old woman and the devil – a brilliant old woman faces off with the devil in a bet to convince him to leave her spot in the shade. she outwits him, and undoes the harm he did as well.
duffy the lady – a version of rumplestiltskin where a housekeeper who cant knit or spin accepts a deal with a devil who will do the tasks for her for three years, if she will marry him at the end of the three years if she cannot guess his name. spoiler alert: she can.
sister lace – a creation myth about the stars, when the emperor hears of sister lace’s incredible lace-making abilities, he has her brought to the palace and ordered to marry him. when she refuses, he has her imprisoned unless she can spin him a live rooster. her skill and blood bring the bird to life, but she remains imprisoned, until, eventually, she finds her way out.
a marriage of two masters – a very intelligent young woman who speaks only in riddles meets a man who sees the world the same way, and as they decipher one anothers riddles, they fall in love.
clever marcella – marcella, a genius, fascinates the prince, and they agree to marry, provided she not interfere with his rule. when she feels compelled to challenge a ridiculous ruling he made on a case, he orders her to take whatever she likes from the palace and then leave. she solves the problem as anyone in love would, compels the prince to see the error of his ways, and becomes the kingdoms chief justice.
the rebel princess – to escape an unwanted arranged marriage, judith and her ladies-in-waiting take to the open sea. when they come across a ship of pirates who decide they will each marry one of the women, the crew steal their clothes, their treasure, and their lives. by the end of the story, judith has been crowned king in place of an heir-less king who drowned.
its just a really, really good book, with a portrayal of women that most fairy tales dont have. theyre kind and wise mentors and teachers, not wicked stepmothers and ugly hags, and an undeveloped marriage to a man isnt their be-all and end-all. i really encourage you to get a copy for any little girls in your life, especially who enjoy fairy tales.
Sounds awesome!
THE ILLUSTRATOR IS TRINA SCHART HYMAN WHO WAS A FANTASTICALLY COOL LADY THAT YOU SHOULD READ ABOUT AND ADMIRE AS MUCH AS I GREW UP DOING AND WHO PROBABLY DESERVES HER OWN WONDERFULLY ILLUSTRATED FAIRY TALE
hey, so, i feel weird promoting this, but you know how the collective we of tumblr are always like, someone should write a cookbook that’s actually easy? i did the thing, just in time for gross summer heat/seasonal affective disorder, depending on the hemisphere, to kick in.
Cooking is terrible, and food is often a massive pain in the ass. Eating is sometimes ok, sometimes a giant drag, and somehow still a thing that you have to do multiple times a day, which seems enormously unfair.
This book isn’t going to teach you how to cook, or turn you into the kind of person who hosts effortless dinner parties, or make you more attractive and popular and interesting. At best, it’s going to make it slightly more likely that you manage to eat something in the ten minutes between walking in the door and falling into the sweet embrace of the internet. I’m not joking—a lot of this can be done, start to finish, in ten to fifteen minutes. I resent thirty-minute meals because it feels like about twenty-eight minutes too long to spend on feeding myself.
If you’re excited to get home from work and spend an hour cooking dinner, this isn’t the book for you. If you really value authenticity, this isn’t the book for you. If you literally only eat three foods and you’re happy like that, this isn’t the book for you. If you, like me, are tired and depressed and just need to get some food into your face once in a while, this is definitely the book for you. You should buy it. Maybe it’ll help.
anyhow, you can buy it for $5 on amazon (for kindle files) and gumroad (for a pdf and epub), and any money earned goes towards things like paying my rent and buying groceries.
i’m disabled and mentally ill and a single parent, and i’d love to be excited about food, but most of the time, it’s just an inconvenient thing i gotta do to stay alive. i wrote this for people who’re kinda like me. i hope that maybe it helps someone.
I’ve read this, and it’s super useful– a whole lot of lists and easy to make meals that are better than eating nothing, again, for the sixth time this week because everything is too many.
I suspect it’ll be super useful to a lot of y’all– brain weasels suck, and being out of ideas for food sucks, and being hungry because you open the fridge and then stare at everything and cry because it’s too many to work out what food is super sucks
I bought this and ye little gods will this be helpful when I’m stressed about work full time/freelance writing/half load of classes. I like the overall “tumblr tone” of it too. Very relatable.
Additionally, it’s also pretty great because the theory is forgiving yourself for wanting food to be easier.
FOLKS FORGET ABOUT CARMILLA AND HER WONDERFUL LOVE STORY JUST BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T GET AS MUCH PUBLICITY AS OL’ DRAC BUT SHE’S AWESOME
SHE DOESN’T BURN IN SUNLIGHT BUT DOES WEAKEN CONSIDERABLY TO THE POINT OF FAINTING AND NEVER WAKES UP BEFORE NOON (MY SPIRIT MONSTER IS CARMILLA YO) AND WHEN SHE FEEDS FROM LAURA IT’S ALWAYS FROM HER LEFT BREAST. THAT’S STRAIGHT UP VICTORIAN EROTICA YO. SHE CAN TRANSFORM INTO A CAT AND INTO FOG, SIMILAR TO DRAC, AND HAS THIS LONG, BEAUTIFUL DARK HAIR.
YOU CAN READ THE WHOLE THING ONLINE IT’S OUT OF COPYRIGHT AND STUFF BUT HOLY SHIT A STORY ABOUT WOMEN IN THE 1800S THAT PASSES THE BECHDEL TEST WHAT????
GO. READ IT. IT’LL TAKE YOU BARELY AN HOUR AT MOST.
One is the Lady of the Waking Waters, an immortal mermaid. The other is a thief, who steals lives until a wish can be fulfilled, and a life-changing choice can be made.
This is a cool short story about love and obsession and needing to find the balance between them. It’s poetic and surprising, although maybe not quite as beautiful as I expected from that gorgeous cover art. I’m glad I just read it on the website instead of buying it because I don’t think it was long enough to make buying it worth it, but if you have like ten minutes to kill this is a good choice to squeeze in.
A composer in an unstable city-state accidentally discovers the perfect singer for his work—a clockwork man—and sows the seeds of revolution.
What a beautiful story. Even though it’s a little thick to work through, it’s also rich, inventive, and strange. This story doesn’t explain anything. It doesn’t offer context. It just exists to offer a peak into a city on the brink of revolution, full of wonders and common horrors. It has the feel of a dream, but the emotional weight of a novel. I may not understand any of the characters, but I am full of emotions from their story, and that matters more.
Avi comes across these foreboding words scrawled on the bathroom mirror, but what do they mean? Is this a curse, a prediction, or a threat? And how does anyone know his real name when he hasn’t even told his mother yet? Then there is Ian—the cool new guy at school who is all sunshine, optimism, and magic. All the things that Avi doesn’t know how to deal with…yet.
Words can’t express how much I love this story. If you check out only one novella from this post, please make it this one. It’s got sunshine boys, grumpy boys, an overabundance of moms, support for queer kids and perfect Jewish representation. It made me tear up about these boys and bounce at the Jewish jokes. Its official tagline is “A romantic, #ownvoices fairy tale for trans boys,” and I guess that’s a good review too.
You can read it for free at thebooksmugglers.com here.
These books can also be purchased if you’re inclined and would like to support the authors/publishers! Or, support them by reading and reviewing.
PLEASE DO NOT THROW THE YA GENRE UNDER THE BUS it is filled with diversity that goes far beyond whatever makes it to the movies! Please give it a chance!
So, while for some reason everyone here is engulfed in one of tumblr’s periodic debates about whether or how to police writing done largely by women for women for free, in the world of contemporary fiction there’s a meltdown going on right now over men who get paid for writing literature, and the men who give them money and prizes for it.
Specifically, Junot Diaz, author of The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao and This Is How You Lose Her, has been accused by multiple Latina writers of a wide range of asshole behavior toward them, ranging from sexual assault to verbal abuse to deliberately trying to destroy the careers of women who challenged him on any of it. This story is complicated by the fact that Diaz recently published an essay in The New Yorker in which he writes about being sexually abused as a child and the effect it had on his sexual and romantic life as an adult. It’s a good essay, and it was greeted with universal admiration; but now, the possibility arises that it may have been an attempt to pre-empt the critique he knew was coming. Mary Karr has also pointed out that Diaz is more vulnerable to these charges because he’s Latino; the literary world has known for years that Karr was abused and stalked by David Foster Wallace, author of the critically acclaimed mega-novel Infinite Jest, who suffered no consequences fbecause, Karr says, Wallace was white. For all of these reasons, it’s worth pointing out up front that what Diaz is charged with doing is not unique amongst contemporary American male writers; and when you go farther back in time, things get worse. Just off the top of my head, William S. Burroughs shot and killed his wife Joan Vollmer and Ernest Hemingway was an abusive husband.
Below, I’m going to talk about men, writing, and the history of contempt for not only women writers but women readers.
Because it’s behind the cut tag, I’m going to pull out my favorite part of this post and quote it:
“Because if the critical establishment loses its taste for misogyny–if a book like This Is How You Lose Her, or a book like The Corrections,comes to be considered just bad form–that will reduce the amount of misogynistic work out there far more effectively than any attempt at direct censorship would. Think of the vast number of conventions regarding love and sex that would be discarded, one by one, if people stopped being able to enjoy and appreciate misogyny embodied in literary form. What conventions would arise to take their places? Which revered Literary texts would gradually become minor works taught only to graduate students? What kind of canon would an aesthetic that valued equality more highly than masculinity produce?”
shortly after william the conquerer came to power he initiated something known as ‘the doomsday book’- he sent envoys to survey his new lands to record the properties he now controlled so they could pay accurate taxes. every acre of field, every mill, livestock, buildings and their relative size- all would be recorded to determine the wealth of each settlement so a percentage could be expected as rent. for an example of what this book meant; the previous king was aware of and collected taxes from about 20 grain mills in england, william’s audit shot that number above 200. you dont know the meaning of ‘pedantic’ untill you start reading about medieval grain mills, theres a church that paved its floor with confiscated ‘illegal’ millstones to ensure that the town had to get its flour from the church’s official mill and one war simply about stealing the same millstone back and fourth for quite a few decades
of course word of these envoys traveled faster then they did, virtually every town they came to had time to claim they had far less taxable wealth then they actually did have by the time the audit arrived. in one of the more over the top cases an entire village pretended to have caught insanity- when the taxmen arrived they saw screaming laughing idiots with underwear on their heads so they left as fast as they could considering at the time insanity was thought to be literally contagious. it would be over five years before anyone tried to audit that town again. its safe to assume a large number of other villages also had sudden cases of strange diseases, mysteriously disappearing cows, or very large shrubberies and haybales shaped like buildings and you dont need to look over that hill either. thats not even touching how many small communities just plain didnt technically exist because they were too small, somewhere weird, or in legal limbo of who owned it
of course when the feudal part of feudalism started moving its gears you found that the local lord of that village was unlikely to divulge the exact amount of rents they could collect to THEIR lord either, knowing that the more they admitted to receiving the more they were expected to hand over. this was not exclusive to england either, the more you learn about feudalism the more you have to ask how all these minor lords out in the boonies kept having the money and soldiers to do all the political intrigue bullshit, the answer is also tax evasion. each village kept claiming it had fewer people living in shittier houses with less land and fewer livestock then they actually had, and each local lord kept claiming they were receiving less rents then they actually took so were also adverse to an accurate audit.
their knowledge of tax loopholes also extended to finding out that clergymen were either exempt from tax or received a far lower rate of tax, so proving you qualified as a clergyman was an endeavor that paid dividends. specifically to prove you were clergy you proved that you could read and write enough Latin to satisfy an official, so you could spend some money to hire someone to tutor you enough Latin to fake it. its estimated that due to this fully ten percent of medieval english households wrote ‘clergy’ on their tax forms.
another and even more extreme example was the peasants revolt of 1381, london was swarmed by the unwashed masses from all sides instigated by an official trying to collect (a lot of) unpaid poll taxes, an angry mob driving a teenaged king Richard II to retreat to a boat in the river, and culminating with 1500 peasants being executed by an emergency militia. this doesn’t sound like a huge success untill you dig into some of the details- peasants from a large number of villages all arrived at london at the same time, leaving dedicated forces specifically to stop ships from acessing london to break the siege, the peasants executed a select number of court officials and started burning paperwork- but systematically only burning the ones detailing who owned plots of land, debt records, and a few criminal records. the peasants who besieged london and scared the king into the river had successfully purged a whole lot of debts and reclaimed a lot of land in one very ballsy and highly coordinated move that relied on them being seen as illiterate dirt farmers with no ulterior motives besides pitchfork mob riot and trying to kiss the queen mother while they touch everything in the tower of london with their grimy hands
found it. this is… this is amazing. I did a BA in Medieval British History and we never, ever, once considered this. Not once. At a major Canadian university.
jfc this changes my entire brain
Any sources on this? I’d like to use them for a paper I’m working on.
okay, ive been INNUNDATED by people asking me this and i dont really have a good way to address all of the questions. partially because thats surprisingly harder then youd expect
firstly- im absurdly over read. im the kind of nutjob that reads this for fun so i have the hurdle of trying to remember which of 200 plus sources im actually drawing from and it doesnt help that asking this makes me doubt sources that i already checked for credibility before i even read them in the first place. i have a LOT of background radiation that ive spent years checking for expiration dates as i keep replacing knowlege, and its hard to dig up the papers (yeah, actual research papers, im that much of a nerd) that im thinking of because their naming/searching system is also crap. theres a dearth of cool shit i read but have no hope of finding again on command
secondly- when you get into ‘history’ fact hunting you repeatedly run into a bibliography issue where you find that your source cites a source that cites a source that itself is dubious, or that you have thirty sources that all cite the same source thats been proven wrong. this is probably the hurdle -you- have to smash through as well, a handy default is to give prefference to any newer source that actively challenges the pre concieved notion- as they had to explain and give reasons as to why previous notions were wrong
with that out of the way there are a few good places to -start- in digging up the decidedly NON whitewashed versions of history. seriously, if you like my rants you probably are in love with the idea that all of human history was full of actual live assholes instead of clean respectable boring statues.
firstly, ‘medieval lives’ by Terry Jones. Terry is your best friend. name sound familliar? yeah, after monty python he became one of the leading historians simply by accepting the possibility that people in the middle ages actually had lives and thus actually started scrutinizing beliefs that had been considered fact for nearly a century. this is the go-to book of his to start with. its entirely possible that this was thought of -because- of monty python putting in the idea that people were just as much twats back then, as you can see from my rant that basically paints half of village elders, knights, and barons as basically being Grunkle Stan wearing wollen hose (probably the most accurate way to think about it, considering a society based on that makes just too much sense)
its divided by chapter based on what class in society you were looking at- peasants, jesters, monks, knights, women; which is super handy because one of the chief problems with historians is they only bother to find out what the king was doing and not the 99.9% rest of the population was up to. supplement this with the documentary version as well, hes also got some very informative information on the crusades (he kind of put out the allegation that king richard had mainly gone on them to follow his bedroom budy the king of france) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_oYlqav7eA
while on the subject of doccumentaries you can also check out basically anything by Mike Loades, particularly his history channel ‘going medieval’ special which keeps going on and off youtube due to third party issues but is exquisite as it deals with all medieval life not just what the royals were up to. seriously follow this guy on facebook, he posts such beautiful historical reenactment photos of any weapon or horse he finds. Mike is predominant because he engages on living recreations of what hes investigating to test it out and gets as many sources of his own as he can- that ‘going medieval’ special includes such things as examining soaps used, common clothing styles, what kind of foods someone with a bit of land might use for a party, agriculture observations, and a forray into falconry that shows how many phrases in the english language are because of danger-birds. Mike is also the author of several books although they chiefly feature warfare logistics- a lot of other bits of medieval life make more sense when you piece together how logistics work, for example i have a separate rant on how the adoption of the english longbow forked up the feudal system and the legend of robin hood is actually a very specific story of exactly how it fell apart screwing over everyone in england, and made france invent french toast in rebuttal (another installment of sounds like i made it up but im not)
he was quite irritated at that stunt archer claiming to have ‘re discovered’ forgotten techniques a full two years after this book was published- also that stunt archer was using a bow of 40 pounds or less draw, whereas any bow for war would have been well over double that, typically between 100 and 150. this dude deserves a knighthood for his absolute gusto
you may notice much of that is -essays-, a lot of people bump into that and mistakenly think theyve come across a dump of someones homework; but keep in mind that college professors (a sizable portion of Tolkein’s work is considered ‘essays’, as well as Douglas Adams, dont assume theyre all stale boring tripe) write a shitload of essays and sometimes they are absolutely glorious in their ability to ask a question nobodys asked before or to connect two things nobody has connected yet (i recommend reading larry nivens ‘man of steel, woman of kleenex’ if you need to injure yourself snorting). i could do some good ones myself if i got over my horrible, horrible mistreatment of commas, airquotes,
parentheses, and reliance on crassly colorful language (though i swear very seldom, i may use a euphemism about an anus from time to time)
another bizzare tip would be to find some (gasp) textbooks. weird, right? this one is beyond ironic as so many of us who have gone to college had to pay for textbooks we barely covered. assuming we even got to take the plastic off of it we typically only got to open 1/3 of the individual chapters for anything and of that only included about 1/6th of that chapter in the course material. well i spent money on those cursed textbooks so damned if i didnt actually read the rest of the chapters and was honestly surprised some of it actually contained information i enjoyed learning amdist all the regurgitated date/name soup. the deal also is ‘this class taught me nothing about india’ but the book had whole chapters on it, class content and book content only lightly overlap. if you dont have spare textbooks laying around dont worry, people are literally throwing them away if theyre over six months old because the institution of college is a broken scam, used bookstores practically use them as carpeting, you can likely find one from within the last 10 years for less then a sandwitch (do avoid any textbooks printed in the 90s or earlier, they have a bad case of citing sources from the 60s or earlier without critical thought)
another great standalone book is ‘lies, damned lies, and history’, i highly recommend even just for fun
anyone still reading after all of this? if folks actually like me ranting im happy to respond and very glad most people have been very polite about asking me where the hell i got all this instead of dissing or being accusatory that im full of shit (im barely half full) and if theres more anyone would want me to engage in rant mode let me know, my inbox is open and im grossly over educated even if its hard to track down where i get it from after eating all these books
today’s depressing sight on reddit: a woman being downvoted into oblivion for saying that there is, contrary to what the other posters claim, a vast array of books authored by women prior to 1950 and that, in fact, at one point in time in Western Europe, the novel was seen as an emasculating form and thus avoided by men.
how_to_suppress_womens_writing.txt
Had I expected this to get more than two notes, I would have linked a pdf of How To Suppress Women’s Writing by Joanna Russ instead of working under the assumption you all would know what I’m referencing, so here’s the text, belatedly.
just moving along like everyone else 