Petition to fucking salt and burn the concept of “attention-seeking behaviour” as something intrinsically bad in children
To elaborate: If a child especially* is seeking attention, it’s because they fucking need some attention. “Attention and interaction from adults” is a non-negotiable neurological need. It is as important as food and water and clothing and a place to pee.
There will be times when a child seeks attention that are Unfortunate, either because now is not a good time for attention, or because the manner in which they are trying to get the attention is Unfortunate. See also “TALK TO ME WHEN YOU ARE ON AN IMPORTANT PHONE-CALL” and “I WILL GET YOUR ATTENTION BY SCREAMING AND BREAKING YOUR STUFF.”
But here’s the trick: if they are seeking attention then, and in that way, that means that they are not getting attention they need otherwise. And not reinforcing the bad behaviour is only half the solution. The other half is giving them attention in other ways and responses to other things.
If the only way that a child gets attention is by acting out? They will act out. Their all-powerful lizard-brains (which are absolutely, in children, VERY POWERFUL) will eventually literally just see the negative consequences of the behaviour as the price to pay for getting the attention their brains absolutely need as much as their bodies need food and water and to take a piss.
You cannot get out of the absolute responsibility to give a child under your care regular positive attention and interaction. If the child under your care is starting to show bad attention-seeking behaviour? That is a fail-proof diagnostic that on some level that child is not getting the attention and validation they need.
This does not mean that you do things that will tell them “yes, behaving this way will get you good attention.” But it does mean that you need to start showing them how to get more good attention from you.
You have to start teaching, “No, you cannot crawl all over me when I’m on the phone – but when I hang up the phone you can come ask for a hug or for me to look at your drawing”. YOU HAVE TO DO BOTH PARTS OF THIS. If you need a child to stop doing things like Making Messes for Attention, you have to start GIVING THEM attention for good things (and you know you might have to start at the very very bottom of the rung with “thank you so much for not making a mess today! Let’s play hide and seek!” Or something similar, but TOUGH SHIT, YOU ARE THE GROWNUP, THEY ARE THE CHILD).
… and if the child in question is younger than 12 (well really 18 at least, but DEFINITELY 12) months just fucking pay attention to them, they don’t have the cognitive capacity to understand putting off fulfillment, ok?
You know what the WORST THING possible for a baby to start doing is? Not trying to get adult attention.
Because that means that their brains have decided that you have abandoned them in the grass for the hyenas to eat, so they’re just going to stop developing and start dissociating. And this ends up with attachment disorders that will actually cause the child great difficulties in later life.
If a baby is crying and honestly distressed, fucking soothe it already.
(nb: yes, to some extent babies do need to learn to self-soothe; this lady has an actually sane article about this process which is a miracle, which gets into more detail about the processes involved and how it is a PROCESS, not just leaving the baby there to cry itself into hysterical exhaustion and teaching it that you won’t respond to its needs. PROCESS.) (nb2: sometimes the sleep/soothe process also gets into genuinely Medically Complicated Territory at which point you should be working with an actual paediatrician with specific training/etc, and you STILL don’t just leave the fucking baby there to scream for hours, trust me).
This has been your swear-filled elaboration of a friend’s aggravation for the day. Tip your server.
*adults also need attention, but adults are, well, adults: it is in fact their own responsibility to figure out how to seek attention from people who have the capacity to give it to them, at times that are good for everyone involved, etc. Children, however, are damn well children and it is the responsibility of caregiver adults to fulfill their needs and TEACH THEM how to fulfill their needs as they grow.
*holds a lighter aloft*
That is such a good rant, I adore it and welcome it and validate it! raising a cub of my own, and caring a lot about attachment theory, has really put this into practice in concrete ways. You can actually OBSERVE the cub needing attention to make their brain grow. (sometimes, when I don’t have anything left to say/give, but the cub needs attention, I just smile and burble repeatedly, “Warm eye contact! Warm eye contact to make your brain grow!! Yeahh! Warm eye contact! Positive attention!” because I’ve run out of things to say, but the baby doesn’t know that yet, ho ho ho)
But Discoursing away from baby development, one thing I always question is the CONTEXT for which people dismiss behavior as attention-seeking. It’s always cast as this terribly bad thing, “attention-seeking,” as if people noticing you is this corrosive thing that damages you and everyone around you. This thing that should be punished, by denying attention, like:
- “Ugh! how dare you exist!”
- “I really hate it when babies have needs!”
- “The worst part is when babies have needs and they EXPRESS them.”
- “She has dyed her hair a noticeable color. Probably because she didn’t get enough attention from her father, and she is now trying to use her hair to STEAL ATTENTION from everybody else.”
- “That outfit, which shows some skin, has attracted my attention – isn’t that awful? They should be punished, for using their visible skin to seek attention.”
- “How dare you blog, where I can find it and see it with my own eyes.”
- “Why are you EXCELLING at something? Ugh! Always doing it for attention.”
- “Why are you FAILING at something? Ugh! Weren’t you getting ENOUGH attention?”
- “That sounds complicated. I think you’re making it up. Making it up for attention.”
- “I went somewhere and – can you believe this – there was a young person, quite a young human, MAKING A NOISE, where I could hear it, and their caretakers did not forcibly stop it from doing so!! Honestly. People should be licensed before they have children.”
- “I just saw a reminder that some people use special accommodation [blue badge/designated parking spot/baby on board sticker/service dog/etc] and I am just so SICK of people rubbing their CONSTANT need for attention in my FACE.”
You know how in Harry Potter, whatever Harry does, his bullies and abusers say that he’s doing it for attention, so they dismiss it and mock it? If he publicly has ANYTHING, from a mild compliment to a broken limb – “Weren’t you getting enough attention, Potter?”
“Look at you EXISTING, Potter. Were you hoping to form some kind of human connection? Did you think you could exist, and occasionally need things? Well, we’ve seen through THAT pathetic ploy. REQUEST DENIED.”
It’s pretty weird, is what I’m saying. It’s kind of a thing that shitty people say.
Anyway, I’ve found it pretty liberating in my life (and good for my mental health!) to question this. Why is attention-seeking positioned as bad? Why is asking for it a good reason to be denied it? Why are certain people denied attention, such that everything they do is cast as a desperate ploy to acquire the attention they are not entitled to? How exactly does the existence of crying baby, a woman’s pink hair, or a blue badge apparently manage to suck all of the air out of the room?
Given that we are social animals who require positive attention to grow, maintain relationships, keep our mental health and do our jobs well, what’s so bad about giving it to people?
Given that so many humans are raised in such a broken way that they seek negative attention – resulting in terrible things and a broken world – what is even so terrible about people explicitly asking for attention in a positive way, with something like brightly colored hair, or by creating a piece of art for others to see?
Why is attention-seeking intrinsically bad?
so here’s some meta: the ones who get angry about attention seeking behavior… are seeking attention by doing so.
i have occasionally pointed out that the things people do/say to hurt you betray what they themselves are most hurt by. what i haven’t said is how i first learned that: by observing how often touch-starved allistics described my touch aversion as ‘attention seeking’ when i was a kid.
me: pls stop touching, i need alone time, for god’s sake please let me leave
them: god you’re so needy you’ll do anything for attention
me: i’m trying to avoid attention… to get attention?
them: well obviously it’s working!
it didn’t take long for me to realize that if they were seeing everything i did as a desperate attempt to get contact, they must be lonely as hell.
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just moving along like everyone else 