swankivy:

Honestly, I actually kinda figured it out by dating!

I was only a teenager and a pretty naïve one as teenagers go, and when a boy first asked me out at age 14, I said yes because I’d never done that before and thought it was flattering that a boy liked me. We didn’t actually do anything much. We played video games and liked the same music. I thought he was boring because he would call me and then watch TV at me. We kissed five times. Because we were supposed to. Same reason he bought me jewelry; he was supposed to. He broke up with me—in a note, and we never spoke again—when he found out I was moving to another city and realized he didn’t care. Nice, huh?

I hadn’t gotten anything I wanted out of the experience, but I knew I was pretty young. Despite that, I figured I would think twice before going out with the first person who asked just because they asked, and when I found myself in the same situation the next year at my new school, I said no to the boy. And he begged for almost two years, and (tw: suicide) threatened to kill himself if I would not date him, so eventually I did. (I know, I know. Though it doesn’t help that he actually attempted suicide while we were dating, too, and my mom had to save his life. Long story that I will not tell here.)

Obviously it was an extremely dysfunctional relationship, but what’s really striking about it is that even though I cared about this guy, I did not want to date him and I KNEW I did not want to date him, and yet the pressure from all around (not just from him) indicated that I was supposed to try in order to find out if I liked it. And many of the—I’ll just say physical things we tried while we were dating were things I felt similarly about: Did not believe I would like them, did not like the idea of trying them, tried them anyway because people kept saying I literally could not know without trying, and found myself disliking the experience as expected. (Which of course didn’t help the extremely insecure boy. He would cry and demand to know what he’d done wrong and why I wouldn’t let him touch my boobies after I didn’t like it the first time. Anyway.)

What I came to understand through that experience is that knowing you want to date someone, knowing you want to kiss someone, and knowing you want to do other more sexually intimate things with someone isn’t like simply trying a new food, which you CAN’T experience without putting it in your mouth and making it part of you.

It’s more like trying a new food that has a smell.

You know it stinks. You know as it gets closer to you that you do not want that in your mouth and don’t want any part of it. But everyone keeps telling you oh no, it’s different once it’s in your face, once it’s been swallowed and is becoming part of your body. That makes it different! You can’t possibly smell it ahead of time!

But yeah, I can.

It doesn’t always stink on its own. Sometimes I actually would have to get close to eating it before I could smell it. And sometimes I could tell from a mile away that I wouldn’t want that thing near me. But for me, I feel like I would be able to smell the appetizing foods, and they would smell good to me, like they do for everyone else who gets a crush and knows they want to date that person before they actually say the words and start dating them. I don’t see why people are so reluctant to allow me to claim agency over my own inclinations. If what I want doesn’t make sense to them, I must’ve just not given what they want a chance! But what they want is what they want. They feel something I don’t feel. It’s described as pretty compelling, right? I think I’d know it if I felt it. (And even if I didn’t, it’s VERY clear to me once that nasty food is in my mouth that I do not like the taste of it.)

I tried dating. I tried it even though I didn’t want to because everyone kept telling me I should want to and that I was obviously too close-minded if I refused to pursue and put work into and tie up someone else’s feelings into something I did not desire in the slightest.

I learned, through dating, that I actually can know without trying to date someone whether I’d like to date them. Because actually dating people I didn’t want felt exactly the same after I said yes (with added, unnecessary drama). I imagine if that changes for me one day, I’ll be just as sure that I’m doing the right thing by saying yes, even though at my age (35) I’m sure it would probably be very confusing. But I AM open to new things. It’s not close-mindedness that’s stopping me from pursuing those relationships. It’s my own inclinations.

Which should be the deciding factor, yes?