And a sketch dump!
Everyone pays pie taxes, except for tango. Why? That’s a mystery. Everyone has to wash dishes, go grocery shopping, lower thing from the top shelf and even compulsory participate in Beyonce jams as taxes. Except for tango.
The mystery prevails until careful observation in the bitty-tango relationship sheds new lights to the investigation. In order to write essays, bitty who suffers from severe procrastination, just tells tango a few details about what his essay is on, and then answers all subsequent questions. He records himself, and then just copies down what he has said and hands it down as an essay. The tango-prompt method has result in a sharp increase in Bitty’s work quality, and thus tango gets rewarded with being exempt from pie taxes.
Tag: alicia zimmermann
*SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE*
WHERE is the Zimbits version of the man who forgot who his wife was after he had surgery, and hit on her, and was totally incredulous that he was mARRIED to someone SO BEAUTIFUL???
OKAY SO:
Jack comes out of an outpatient knee surgery about 6-7 years into their marriage (maybe a decade after they get together) and like Bob, Alicia and Bitty are waiting in the family area. And like Bob and Alicia come and check on him after he’s been placed in a room to come of anesthesia but he isn’t awake yet so they go get food for all them while Bitty waits with him.
Jack comes around, blinking blearily and is like “Oh, hey.” with his heavy accent.
“Hi” Bitty says back grinning.
Jack tries to sit up.
“No no, sweetie, you need to stay put,” Bitty says gently pushing him back.
“Why?”
“Cause you just had knee surgery honey,” Bitty says.
At this point Bob and Alicia come back and Bob is so amused he starts filming. (apparently he also had some sort of corrective surgery at some point (he’s a pro- athlete after all) and he says some wacky shit but this was before people had recording devices in their pockets, but Alicia has Stories™)
“Hey there champ, how are you feeling?” Bob says patting his shoulder.
“Pretty good, especially since I have a cute nurse,” Jack stage whispers gesturing vaguely towards Bitty.
“That so? Do you want me to introduce you?” Bob says to him, laughter in his voice.
“Yeah, that’d be great,” Jack whispers louder this time, looking up at Bob seriously.
“Okay champ, this is Eric Bittle, your husband” Bob says grinning.
“Hey there Eri- Wait what?”
“Eric “Bitty” Bittle, your husband,” Alicia repeats.
“What?” Jack ruminates on this looking back at Bitty who is sitting on the foot of his bed facing him. “Woah”
“Really?” he asks.
“Really,” Bitty pipes up.
“Wow,” Jack ruminates on this some more. “When—How— How long have we been married?” Jack asks.
“Seven years, sweetheart, it’ll be eight in July,” Bitty says.
“Wow,” Jack says again. “You’re a looker though aren’t ya, eh?”
He gives a lopsided grin. Bitty gives a hearty laugh.
“But you’re the cutest guy I’ve ever seen.”
“Thanks, honey”Bitty smiles, blushing.
“Like, whoa, give me a spin,” Jack says, motioning with his hand with the cracker he’s been given, shaking a few crumbs everywhere.
“Jack!” Bitty blushes and laughs. “Let me go ask the nurse if you can have ice chips yet. Do you want some ice chips honey?” Bitty gets up to the door and turns to ask him.
“Woah, your glutes are perfect,” Jack answers. Alicia gives a high-pitched shout laugh and Bob guffaws.
“I’m gonna go get you ice chips sweetie, keep eating your crackers,” Bitty says, turning red and escaping out the door.
Jack turns to his dad. “I hit the jackpot.”
Bob smiles patting him on the shoulder again and says, “Yes you did son, yes you did.“
AU where Jack’s mom is a terrible baker and finds Bitty’s blog, who explains things very easily, is incredibly charming and doesn’t make her feel like an idiot when she gets things wrong, so she slowly starts gaining confidence and improving a lot.
She becomes a true, 100% fan, when her simple totally on point brownie recipe, kicks the ass of Sharon’s from down the street at the next neighbor party. That horrid woman who was convinced she married Bob for money and tells everybody about it.
As if there was enough money in the world that could make someone put up with Bob’s snoring, that she hasn’t smothered him with a pillow yet is true love.
She finds his other blog, the one where he talks about himself and Alicia loves hearing about Bitty’s life. He does hockey and while she cannot picture this tiny adorable boy slamming himself against guys like her husband and son do, is just another thing that makes her feel a connection.
I JUST HAD A THOUGHT
well technically I had this thought hours ago when I wasn’t computer-accessible but anywaysIMAGINE IF Bad Bob Zimmermann was a raging bisexual (like, technically never came out of the closet, but everyone who knows him knows) and he came down for that second family weekend that we never actually heard about supposedly because of “how embarrassing” it was, and he sees Bitty and Mama Bittle again and he’s just like “Oh! Hey there, son, you’ve gotten a lot cuter since I last saw you, well done!”and Bitty’s just like “WHA? UM? THANKS, SIR??? UH” and then Bad Bob turns to Mama Bittle and is like “clearly he gets his looks from you, Suzanne” and it’s like an instant KO to poor Bitty’s mom, she’s out cold, she’s gone
meanwhile Jack’s completely mortified in the corner like PAPA, N O N and he turns to his mom and whispers “MAMA DO SOMETHING, STOP HIM”
and Alicia’s just like “what? He’s right, Eric’s definitely gotten cuter since last time, no wonder you like him” and Jack’s just “ET TU, MAMAN?” and everybody is blushing except for Jack’s parents who literally have no shits to give, they are there to make their own son become a hockey-playing tomato for the WHOLE weekend and to continue fostering the Bittlemann Alliance of Glory.
#okay see i reblogged this already but 1. that was before the canoning #and 2. i lose my marbles over ET TU MAMAN? EVERY. SINGLE. TIME #THE MOST BEAUTIFUL INTERSECTION OF LANGUAGES IN PUN FORM MINE EYES HAVE EVER SEEN #everything about this is beautiful and perfect honestly and i’ll never be over ‘look @ how cute u got! well done!’ dad bob #but jack zimmermann history nerd reaching out with one gay hand#fingers splayed #mouthing ‘stop him’ to his mother the woman who has always protected him from the evils of the world #and the mmm watcha say BETRAYAL when she turns around and just fuckin marcus brutuses him on the senate floor (tags via sadquebecois)
just moving along like everyone else 