the more i learn about endeavor the more i hate his fucking guts
Tag: abuse
it’s so fucked up that todoroki’s mom is basically imprisoned in a hospital by her forced-marriage husband and has been for several years
“he gave me a flower” no he’s been keeping you imprisoned in a hospital for literal years!!! this is some fucked up shit!!! he forced you to marry him!!! did you even know him before you got married??? you have several kids with him did you even want to have sex with him??? WHAT THE FUCK
fuck endeavor tbh
i am feeling some bnhastuck in this chilis tonight. thank @argetcross for this tasty idea.
youre one heckofan incoherent sack if discourse arent you
butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway:
Look, I think I’ve made it quite clear:
If you can explain to me how I am fetishizing queerness by being queer, I will take your words into consideration.
Nonie has the sheer audacity to call you incoherent.
Yet does not use an apostrophe, space-key or question mark where it is clearly needed.
I assume- and it’s an assumption made on little evidence other than personal experience- that they’re typing poorly because they’ve got the shakes because they’re very upset that someone pointed out that their behaviour is unacceptable.
Trauma responses are Like That, and the majority of antishippers, especially those who are angry enough to send me detailed fantasies about post-mortem rape torture, tend to be dealing with trauma.
They’re dealing with it badly, but I try to cut them a little, little bit of slack in that regards.
That’s actually heartbreaking.
It’s a very common kind of reaction to the abusive manipulation that dominates antishipping “discourse.”
People with severe trauma are collected and preyed upon by a small group of aggressors, usually sex-negative radical feminists, and turned into a self destructive police force.
They are then praised for harming themselves, as long as they also harm others.
It’s actually one of the many ways that anitshipping discourse models itself, consciously or not, after cult dynamics which claim that it is noble to suffer as long as you make your enemy suffer too in the name of righteousness.
You also see this kind of thing a lot in extremist Christian sects, for example.
You make the right choice in trying to leave situations that are harmful for you. That is one of the healthiest coping mechanisms out there.
But it’s also something that has to be learned. At least in the context of abuse. If you grew up in a situation where abuse was unavoidable, you rapidly lose the “flight” stress response, and it takes conscious effort to regain it. Instead you rely very heavily on your other fear responses (fight and friend, usually, and sometimes freeze). This makes you extremely valuable as a tool for future abusers, as your “friend” response will tend to make you more accessible to them, and your “fight” response will tend to make you a useful attack dog against others.
Now, of course, I imagine the great majority of antis aren’t trying to indoctrinate themselves into an abusive cult dynamic. They’re victims here, too. They deserve an escape from the shithole they’re stuck in, and if they ever want to leave it all behind, I support them wholeheartedly.
But just because they don’t know better doesn’t make it acceptable for them to do the things they insist on doing.
An incisive, lucid and important analysis.
Now, of course, I imagine the great majority of antis aren’t trying to indoctrinate themselves into an abusive cult dynamic. They’re victims here, too. They deserve an escape from the shithole they’re stuck in, and if they ever want to leave it all behind, I support them wholeheartedly.
word. I will welcome them with arms wide open, just as I would any trauma survivor.
@
fangasmagorical, if you have time and interest, could you talk a bit about the “friend” response? I’ve never heard of it before, and I think it may be something I do. I think I and others could benefit from your thoughts.
“Friend,” also called, “fawn,” is one of the primary ways human beings react to fear. It’s like fight or flight, but there are other ways people respond to fear, especially people dealing with trauma.
- Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries. –Pete Walker, Psychotherapist
Trying to talk your way out of a stressful situation. Rather than Fight, Run, or Freeze on the spot, we decide to reason or rationalize the situation. This can be anything from flattering the abuser, cringing in obedience, attempting to please and seek favor, offering alternatives; doing whatever we have to do to save ourselves by talking our way out. –Surviving My Past, abuse support group
- [T]he inclination to cooperate or submit oneself to one’s threat or captor. –Curtis Resinger, clinical psychologist
It basically involves trying to turn the thing that made you afraid into an ally, or getting help from existing allies to face the threat. It’s part of why humans are so super social.
Unfortunately, in people who have been traumatized or abused, this natural response to fear can become overactive. You may have heard that people who are abused once are more likely to find themselves in abusive situations later in life?
This is because the friend/fawn reaction is very easily taken advantage of, and abusers know it (albeit often a subconscious knowledge). People who are overly likely to respond to fear by ignoring their own needs in favour of pleasing others are much more attractive to abusers, including cults.
While it’s called a fear response, friend/fawn is a response to stress of all kinds. You don’t necessarily have to be afraid of the person you’re appealing to, just experiencing stress that you’ve learned can be reduced by appealing to others, especially to authorities.
The way you see this work in the context of antishipping, since that’s the discussion at hand, tends to be a little bit like this.
- Victim: I saw something that set off my PTSD, and now I am in a stress induced panic and I don’t know what to do!
- Manipulator: Don’t worry, if you just listen to me, I will tell you what to do and you will be fine.
- Victim: Okay! I completely believe you, because you are offering me safety from my trauma, and by subconscious mind perceives this as you literally saving my life.
- Manipulator: Great, so since I saved your life taught you how to repress your fear, you should do anything you can to please and appeal to me.
“Manipulator” here refers not only to the handful of “ringleaders” in antishipping circles, but also to the social group of antishippers as a whole.
Social pressure is one of the most important reasons the friend response exists, and the larger or more aggressive a social group is, the more likely people will fall in line with it just for that feeling of safety.
This is also why major political movements that rely on fear-mongering are so effective: they create a stress response in the populace, and then say, “come with me and we will eliminate your stressor.”
This is so true though. I’ll never forget the shock and almost trauma of being bluntly told by my therapist that it isn’t wrong for people to like things I think are misogynistic and predatory. It took a longer time to understand that people who consume media I hate are not a direct threat to my well-being. It’s not at all an age thing either, I didn’t receive access to proper care and a safe environment till my late twenties and was therefore extremely volatile and reactionary. Less now but it’s a work in progress.
The fawn response makes so much sense. I’m mad confrontational but also takes a long time to call out the bad behaviour or wrong arguments of anyone who is nice to me or sides with me because it feels like ingratitude and I’m afraid of them turning on me.
I appreciate OP’s empathy towards triggered people so much. Regardless of whether you’re right or not, a hyper-aroused brain is an awful thing, like an earthquake in your head, shakes, mutism, nausea, inability to disengage. At no point are you more convinced that the ferocity of your emotional response matches reality than when you’re triggered.
Absolutely true. During the throes of a flashback, I’ve done and said some truly fucked up things to try to get away from the stimulus.
One of the more horrifying things that abusers manipulating victims in this way do, is ensure that their victims are in a state of hyperarousal as often as possible. This makes their victims more reliant on the abuser for guidance, and much more vicious to their targets if their abuser tells them to fight someone.
This cocktail is something that antishippers do to each other constantly, even without any organized leadership, because it’s what they’ve been taught. At this point they are a self policing group, and the law they enforce is “be constantly on the edge of stress overload.”
But you can’t live in a state of constant hyperarousal. If the over taxing of your adrenals and sympathetic nervous system don’t kill you, the sharp decrease in impulse control and altered concept of self preservation will.
Constantly exposing yourself to triggering material to gain the approval of a group that is abusing you is self destructive.
Unfortunately, I’m not trained to help people escape the fear conditioning of group abuse, and if I was, it would certainly be unethical for me to do so online and outside a clinical capacity.
But I know enough about the problem to know that sometimes the people who come in this blog looking for a fight will see discussions like this, and that can be the start to realizing that the “help” they’ve been getting is dangerous, and that there are alternatives.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This just keeps getting more important and relevant.
Interestingly enough, online clinical work is becoming more and more accessible for trained workers to offer to clients, and is, in fact no longer an inherently unethical practice. There’s still a lot of grey area that clinicians are working out how to make as beneficial as possible, but the combined rise of internet’s own cultural linguistic quirks and telemedicine means that more and more clinicians are able to offer some level of support to people seeking this kind of work online. I’m pretty excited about it actually, and figure I’ll probably make some arrangements for people to be able to hit me up if they like in about *checks watch* four years.
kai cheng thom, from her collection a place called no homeland
The daydream that never stops
This is mostly about maladaptive daydreaming but there’s a part I really want people on this site to pay attention to, particularly young people who are confused about fiction.
In 2002, an Israeli trauma clinician named Eli Somer noticed that six survivors of abuse in his care had something in common.
To escape their memories and their emotional pain, each would retreat into an elaborate inner fantasy world for up to eight hours at a time.
Some imagined an idealised version of themselves living a perfect life. Others created entire friendships or romantic relationships in their heads. While one man pictured himself fighting in a guerrilla war, another conjured up football and basketball matches in which he displayed his athletic prowess.
Their plotlines often involved themes of captivity, escape and rescue – being chained up in a dungeon, for instance, or leading a prisoners’ revolt.
My mother sent me this article because it reminded her of me. I saw why immediately. Even as early as age 5 I remember having elaborate fantasies about stuff like that. Being captured, escaping, adventures, scary things, torture. My first fanfic was literally about an Oddworld OC being tortured and killed. I was 7 when I wrote it. I talked to my mom a bit how a lot of people like me (abused, disabled, different) absolutely have grown up with fictional characters and stories as our reference for experiences, as the way we can try to make sense of our lives and the things that have happened to us. There’s a reason I feel more at home and with family when watching a favorite animated show with all the characters I love so much than in a big group of my actual family. Through these characters I was able to not only survive everything the real world threw at me, but learn very valuable things about myself, dissect my own experiences and feelings, even if at a younger age I wasn’t aware that that’s what I was doing. That’s the beauty of fictional characters. They really allow us the safety to go scary places with them. Even if that place is morally horrifying.
A lot of us survivors explore these kinds of themes. Dark things, unpleasant things.
Just keep that in mind before you get too deep into the purity culture of this site that states that anything dangerous, dark, or twisted being explored in fiction is worthy of, uh, telling that person to kill themselves.
Most of the time, you’re telling a survivor that it would have been better for them to have died than to have survived their trauma, and that’s really dangerous considering most of us struggle with suicidal ideation in the first place.
Not all of us like to deny the darkness that we came from. There is nothing wrong with that.
fuck, i spent so much of my childhood daydreaming badass adventures. and yeah, they were bloody and dark as hell.
my first attempt at a novel was about a disabled man named thorn who was imprisoned at the heart of a dystopic city and could act only through computers; he called himself thorn because the people that left him there called him the thorn in their side, and they’d made him forget where he came from, his name and everything. the antagonist and love interest was a woman with several robot prostheses who worked with a rebel group to sabotage the city, not knowing the ‘comptroller’ they hated so much was just as much a prisoner as they were. when she finally stopped trying to kill him and decided to rescue him, he died a few hours later, unable to survive without his machines.
melodramatic, i know, but i was twelve.
looking back now, as an adult, i’m a little disturbed by how lovingly i described the violence. but i needed it, apparently. it made me feel better, going into my dark world and writing about this pale, wormlike man and his sicknesses, and the cruel things he did without understanding them, because he was a great big obvious metaphor for dissociation. and it was cathartic writing the woman – i can’t remember what i named her, something very cyberpunk and edgy i’m sure, like razor or cobalt – just mowing through crowds of company grunts with a bewildering assortment of heavy weapons. i wasn’t even allowed to watch pg-13 movies yet but i sure did like to talk about guts.
it all felt more real than the real world, sometimes, because the real world was where i wore a rigid mask of neurotypicality and gender and so on.
this makes me think of a convo with a friend the other night about seeking validation that harm occurred from the one(s) who harmed you (in this case i was talking about my relationship with my parents, mostly my mother.)
“seeking validation that harm occurred from the one(s) who harmed you.”
wow. yes
Wow that’s some bullshit?
How to be a shitty parent
how is this shitty parenting if i tell you to be home at a certain time you better be there. Shit my mom would have been out looking for me.
Right? How is this shitty at all?? If i tell you to be home at a certain time you better be there or else you aren’t allowed in the home. I care about my kids safety so much I’ll endanger them when they dont listen to me.
i do not have the energy to explain why this is a shitty thing to do but yeah it’s shit
I do! If you’re gonna be a vindictive little shit to your kids, you shouldn’t be having them. Having abusive parents like the ones up here fucked up my perception of love and affection.
I got locked out of the house all the time just like this poor kid. Do you know how fucking cold it gets at night? NO because you’re cushy and comfortable behind those decorated glass doors! I slept in 30
°F weather. I was on the swim team so I had to wake up and run with the team at 5 am then go to class. I’d wake up with frozen hair and bugs crawling on me. I’d start crying and it would rain fucking cold water. I had no friends in the neighborhood to go to. I’m still somewhat scared of the dark.
There’s wild animals and predatory strangers and shit out there. You’re gonna put your fucking CHILD in that situation and FAIL to be their guardian at one of the most important times of day just because they made it home late? Kids make fucking mistakes, and if you aren’t prepared for that, you shouldn’t even have pets. You’re not a caretaker, you’re a lazy abusive perfectionist snot. I’d kick your ass if you were my neighbor and I saw you pulling this shit! No joke!
My roommate talks all the time about how if her kids mess around she’d smack them around, but she and a LOT of other people do not understand that punishments like those are abuse. They fuck your kid up for life.
If you leave a kid out in the cold they’re more likely to get into more trouble/danger to keep warm anyway. Who’s gonna take your kid into their home? Do you even give a shit what happens to them? No because you wanted to play god and get back at someone who is still developing. Be a fucking adult.
Your kid is not a robot. It’s so shitty these parents have done this kind of stuff before and have NOT given the kid a blanket.
Neglect is the chronic inattention or omission on the part of the care giver to provide for the basic emotional and/or physical needs of the child, including food, clothing, nutrition, adequate supervision, health, hygiene, safety, medical and psychological care and education. Emotionally neglected children do not receive the necessary psychological nurturance to foster their own growth and development. The consequences of neglect can be very serious, particularly for young children. The child who does not receive adequate emotional, cognitive and physical stimulation, physical care and nutrition may experience lags in development. These lags in development may be irreversible.
SOME FORMS OF ABUSE & NEGLECT:
*Rejection, ignorance and isolation
*A lack of shelter
*Emotional neglect or lack of supervision
*Deliberate locking children out of the house
So if you think pulling this childish bullshit is ok, I will break into your house and steal whatever funds it takes to care for your child. I’ll fight you in the morning because you’re a garbage human being.
Stop teaching your damn kid they’re worthless. YOU made them.
Stop being your child’s enemy, start being their actual fucking caretaker.
Just so y’all know… in the state of Texas, this is grounds for me to call CPS on your ass.
And I will, too.
Same in Illinois and I fucking will.
TBH all the people coming out in support of locking kids outside for missing curfew need to just not have kids
Reminder that one of the victims of Ted Bundy (the serial killer) was locked out of her house because of missing curfew, and he offered his “help.”
This can get your child KILLED.
Also, not everyone chooses to get home late.
There may be traffic, or an accident of some kind, or they may simply have a shit sense of time or direction.
I hope that these parents got called out and arrested for child abuse.
Also people in the comments saying that “y’all wouldn’t survive in a poc household”: stop normalizing child abuse as a cultural or racial thing. If you let your children sleep outside like they’re a fucking dog you won’t be able to pull out the “this is how poc raise their kids” in court when I call the cops on your abusive ass
If you seriously think child abuse is a part of “PoC” culture (whatever the fuck that means, since apparently a korean is the same as a south african and a mexican lol), then you may want to seriously think about how racist you are.
i got locked out by accident a couple times when i missed curfew – parents zoned out on their bedtime routine and forgot i wasn’t already in bed asleep – and the second time i had to ring the doorbell and wake them up to let me in, they got me my own key. because the thought of me not being able to get inside scared the hell out of them, even if i was in trouble for being late. for being late, my punishment was extra chores. because my parents weren’t fucking psychopaths.
oh, and to the people saying “if the kid can’t follow the rules they obviously don’t want to live here,” your conclusion is bullshit and you need to rethink your parenting strategy pronto. although it’s probably already too late for your children. they WILL need therapy their entire lives.
the reason i was always missing curfew was because of executive dysfunction. i’d be watching a movie at a friend’s house and everything else would cease to exist for me. i literally could not remember to check the time – hell, i wouldn’t even notice i had to go to the bathroom unless someone else paused the movie. if my friends got a wild hair to marathon the whole star wars trilogy i would have no clue it was 3am until their parents came down to the basement going “wtf guys??”
teenagers in general are bad at keeping track of background obligations like watching the time, and if they’ve got any kind of neurological disability – or are just stressed out, which most teens are, and stress causes executive dysfunction even in neurotypicals – it’s going to be even harder.
if you think endangering your child’s health is an appropriate punishment for absentmindedness, you are a shitty, shitty parent. there’s no excuse for that. i don’t care how angry or upset you are, and neither does fucking CPS. you forfeit your right to take care of another human being because you have completely failed at making their wellbeing a greater priority than your mood.
Wow that’s some bullshit?
How to be a shitty parent
how is this shitty parenting if i tell you to be home at a certain time you better be there. Shit my mom would have been out looking for me.
Right? How is this shitty at all?? If i tell you to be home at a certain time you better be there or else you aren’t allowed in the home. I care about my kids safety so much I’ll endanger them when they dont listen to me.
i do not have the energy to explain why this is a shitty thing to do but yeah it’s shit
I do! If you’re gonna be a vindictive little shit to your kids, you shouldn’t be having them. Having abusive parents like the ones up here fucked up my perception of love and affection.
I got locked out of the house all the time just like this poor kid. Do you know how fucking cold it gets at night? NO because you’re cushy and comfortable behind those decorated glass doors! I slept in 30
°F weather. I was on the swim team so I had to wake up and run with the team at 5 am then go to class. I’d wake up with frozen hair and bugs crawling on me. I’d start crying and it would rain fucking cold water. I had no friends in the neighborhood to go to. I’m still somewhat scared of the dark.
There’s wild animals and predatory strangers and shit out there. You’re gonna put your fucking CHILD in that situation and FAIL to be their guardian at one of the most important times of day just because they made it home late? Kids make fucking mistakes, and if you aren’t prepared for that, you shouldn’t even have pets. You’re not a caretaker, you’re a lazy abusive perfectionist snot. I’d kick your ass if you were my neighbor and I saw you pulling this shit! No joke!
My roommate talks all the time about how if her kids mess around she’d smack them around, but she and a LOT of other people do not understand that punishments like those are abuse. They fuck your kid up for life.
If you leave a kid out in the cold they’re more likely to get into more trouble/danger to keep warm anyway. Who’s gonna take your kid into their home? Do you even give a shit what happens to them? No because you wanted to play god and get back at someone who is still developing. Be a fucking adult.
Your kid is not a robot. It’s so shitty these parents have done this kind of stuff before and have NOT given the kid a blanket.
Neglect is the chronic inattention or omission on the part of the care giver to provide for the basic emotional and/or physical needs of the child, including food, clothing, nutrition, adequate supervision, health, hygiene, safety, medical and psychological care and education. Emotionally neglected children do not receive the necessary psychological nurturance to foster their own growth and development. The consequences of neglect can be very serious, particularly for young children. The child who does not receive adequate emotional, cognitive and physical stimulation, physical care and nutrition may experience lags in development. These lags in development may be irreversible.
SOME FORMS OF ABUSE & NEGLECT:
*Rejection, ignorance and isolation
*A lack of shelter
*Emotional neglect or lack of supervision
*Deliberate locking children out of the house
So if you think pulling this childish bullshit is ok, I will break into your house and steal whatever funds it takes to care for your child. I’ll fight you in the morning because you’re a garbage human being.
Stop teaching your damn kid they’re worthless. YOU made them.
Stop being your child’s enemy, start being their actual fucking caretaker.
Just so y’all know… in the state of Texas, this is grounds for me to call CPS on your ass.
And I will, too.
Same in Illinois and I fucking will.
TBH all the people coming out in support of locking kids outside for missing curfew need to just not have kids
Reminder that one of the victims of Ted Bundy (the serial killer) was locked out of her house because of missing curfew, and he offered his “help.”
This can get your child KILLED.
Also, not everyone chooses to get home late.
There may be traffic, or an accident of some kind, or they may simply have a shit sense of time or direction.
I hope that these parents got called out and arrested for child abuse.
Also people in the comments saying that “y’all wouldn’t survive in a poc household”: stop normalizing child abuse as a cultural or racial thing. If you let your children sleep outside like they’re a fucking dog you won’t be able to pull out the “this is how poc raise their kids” in court when I call the cops on your abusive ass
If you seriously think child abuse is a part of “PoC” culture (whatever the fuck that means, since apparently a korean is the same as a south african and a mexican lol), then you may want to seriously think about how racist you are.
i got locked out by accident a couple times when i missed curfew – parents zoned out on their bedtime routine and forgot i wasn’t already in bed asleep – and the second time i had to ring the doorbell and wake them up to let me in, they got me my own key. because the thought of me not being able to get inside scared the hell out of them, even if i was in trouble for being late. for being late, my punishment was extra chores. because my parents weren’t fucking psychopaths.
oh, and to the people saying “if the kid can’t follow the rules they obviously don’t want to live here,” your conclusion is bullshit and you need to rethink your parenting strategy pronto. although it’s probably already too late for your children. they WILL need therapy their entire lives.
the reason i was always missing curfew was because of executive dysfunction. i’d be watching a movie at a friend’s house and everything else would cease to exist for me. i literally could not remember to check the time – hell, i wouldn’t even notice i had to go to the bathroom unless someone else paused the movie. if my friends got a wild hair to marathon the whole star wars trilogy i would have no clue it was 3am until their parents came down to the basement going “wtf guys??”
teenagers in general are bad at keeping track of background obligations like watching the time, and if they’ve got any kind of neurological disability – or are just stressed out, which most teens are, and stress causes executive dysfunction even in neurotypicals – it’s going to be even harder.
if you think endangering your child’s health is an appropriate punishment for absentmindedness, you are a shitty, shitty parent. there’s no excuse for that. i don’t care how angry or upset you are, and neither does fucking CPS. you forfeit your right to take care of another human being because you have completely failed at making their wellbeing a greater priority than your mood.
just moving along like everyone else 