When people ask, “How can I tell if someone is disabled or just lazy?” I think about my parents.
My parents have known me my whole life. When they’re not actively contemptuous of me, they do seem to be somewhat aware of my general personality and character. In one of his nicer moments, my dad has called me “sweet-natured.” They can tell that when I make them a surprise breakfast or lunch that I enjoy being helpful and doing nice things for people.
They know from watching me grow up that I have always had trouble keeping my room clean, getting homework done, and keeping my desk tidy at school.
The longest I can push myself past my limits is about nine months. Then I collapse and end up less functional than I was before I pushed myself. This has been a pattern throughout my middle and high school years. I would go to public school for about a year, and then collapse and have to do the rest of my education at home. My work history follows this pattern, too.
I once sat in a therapy session with my dad to talk about the constant struggle we were having at home because he wanted me to help out more and do better in school. When he asked me why I didn’t do things, I broke down in tears, because I couldn’t explain it. “I just CAN’T. I want to, and I CAN’T.” Nobody listened.
My mom asked me why I don’t do things, and I said, “I just can’t. I sit there for hours trying to convince myself to do things, and I can’t. Move.”
And she said, “Don’t think about it, just do it,” completely missing the point.
When I got older I found words for the things I was dealing with. I got professionally diagnosed, and I’d look up information about my diagnosis and e-mail articles to my parents explaining what my disability is and why I can’t do things.
My parents have firsthand information about my character (helpful, likes doing things for others) and my history with disability (can’t consistently keep things clean, can’t manage a daily schedule). I’ve talked to them extensively about my diagnosis and given them information about it. They have known me my whole life, and I’ve always been this way. And they still, STILL choose to believe I’m just a bad person who doesn’t try and doesn’t care.
My disability isn’t invisible, people refuse to look at it.
People like problems they can yell at. They like having a target for their frustration. They don’t want to admit disability is real, because they want problems that they can either solve, or blame someone else for. And the disabled person themself is their scapegoat, someone who can’t ever opt out of their role because the disability is never going to go away.
My disability isn’t invisible, people refuse to look at it.
My disability isn’t invisible, people refuse to look at it.
My disability isn’t invisible, people refuse to look at it.
“Contrary to all appearances, Rose Lalonde does not, in fact, have her shit together. Her shit is rarely even all on the same continent. Rose Lalonde’s shit is, if anything, like the Chaos Emeralds. You gather it, it powers your doomsday device or saves the world, and then they shoot off somewhere into the void. Elusive cryptids like Mothman and Bigfoot have nothing on Rose Lalonde’s shit.”
Jake probably: Well comparatively speaking rose seems to have her metaphorical marbles organized.
John, thinking of Grimdark mode: well…
Jade, recalling Rose blowing up her second gate:
Dave, having spent three years watching Rose descending into drunken stupor: yikes
legend says that if you gather together all of rose lalonde’s shit in one place, it can summon the great dragon shenron to grant one wish
Dave probably: i wish my family would stop being so fucking extra
I feel like the reason certain dog-lovers insist cats are evil is because they read their body language as if they were dogs. So here’s a very basic guide to common “mean” things cats do that actually aren’t mean at all if you know what they’re thinking.
Rolling and exposing belly- attacks you when touched Does not mean: Give belly rubs! – haha I tricked you! Actually means: I’m playful! If you reach for my belly I’ll grab your arm and bite it because I think we’re playfighting!
Lazily exposing belly – still attacks when touched Does not mean: tricked you again! Actually means: I’m showing you my belly because I trust you. Please don’t break that trust by invading my personal space. I might accept a belly rub if I’m not ticklish and I know you well.
Snapping at you while being pet Does not mean: I suddenly decided I dislike you! Actually means: You’re petting me in a way that gives me too much restless energy. Please focus on petting my head and shoulders instead of stroking the full length of my back next time.
Is in the same room but makes no attempt to interact Does not mean: I’m ignoring you Actually means: We’re hanging out! I’m being respectful by giving you space while still enjoying your company.
Slapping/scratching your hand when you try to pet them Does not mean: I hate you! Actually means: You’ve failed to establish that we’re not playing, or the way you’re approaching me scares me. Be calmer, speak more gently, make eye-contact and blink slowly at me before you try again.
THANK YOU!! so tired of people calling cats evil cos they got scratched by one once when they were 12 🙄 the livelihood of animals does not come down to whether or not you “like them”
can i just get on with trying to interact comprehensibly with other humans now i’m anxious about misunderstanding cat social cues
alternates biting with licking: i’m combing out knots in the fur you don’t have, it’s part of the social grooming process
turns back on you: i trust you to watch my back
rubs your ankle and then dances out of reach when you try to pet: hey i was just saying hi, not in the mood for anything else
honestly i think a lot of cat hate comes down to dog lovers being used to dogs submitting, obeying, and being desperate to please them. cats are not submissive and they’re not desperate to please you. you’re not the axis of their universe. they know what they want and won’t put up with being treated like a thing. anyone who hates cats for enforcing their own boundaries is suspect, imo. are they going to hate me for the same reason?
Can confirm. I mean, even though my cat actually does put up with being treated like a thing, etcetera. But she’s weird.
your cat is so big and strong that she knows she could get down if she wanted, whether you wanted to put her down or not. so i think she feels pretty secure about being carried around like a teddy bear. also, she doesn’t let anyone but you carry her.
there are so many important elements to this. the slow-mo. the sliding on snow in trainers?? the string classical music. the knowing glance towards the camera. the slight raise of the mug in salutation. the book. the red dressing gown. the snowflakes falling past. the hair? the blink as they turn away. who are they
I was just thinking it had been a while since I’d seen this on my dash. It’s so hypnotic. I wish we had a source link and knew more about where it came from.
@cupidsbower – it’s a Norwegian guy called Trym Nordgaard. The video was shot near his house, in Gjøvik. I think he’s a professional snowboarder?
Thank you so much! That’s awesome. The mystery solved!
Are you familiar with affective vs. cognitive empathy? I ask because these kinds of sentiments often come from confusing the two. Affective empathy is the visceral “I feel your pain” kind of empathy, and policing that is really – to use the dreaded word – problematic. If you aren’t familiar with cognitive empathy, “empathize with a murderer” can feel like a demand that you internalize and excuse their murderous urges. And that definitely isn’t what I’m going for.
When I talk about empathy, I’m talking about cognitive empathy, which is the ability to intellectually understand someone’s emotional state. Which is so, so important. On the practical level, it’s absolutely crucial to curtailing violent crime and seeing that its perpetrators get the rehabilitation they need. You can’t fight something you don’t understand. We’ve wasted money, time, and human lives waging wars on drugs and on terrorism, and we’re hilariously ineffective precisely because we aren’t addressing the causes. These issues are systemic, and we’re throwing riot police at the symptoms while ignoring the core dysfunctions.
Empathizing with a person or a group is crucial in avoiding othering them. Othering isn’t just cruel – it’s ineffective. Treating someone like they’re no longer a real person or a valued part of society is a terrible way to improve their behavior. If you’re just a rapist, just a murderer, just a drug dealer, where’s your incentive to become anything else? Humans have this nasty habit of sinking to the level that’s expected of them. Sometimes the thing you need to hear is “you did a bad thing, yes, but you are more than this, and you can make amends and move past it.”
Someone linked me to this, and I think this is a really excellent post.
If you want to solve problems, you have to think about what people are experiencing and why they are doing the things that they’re doing. Otherwise your “solutions” won’t be relevant.
also, if you can’t empathize with your villains, you will be a lousy writer. so there’s also that.
I’m on board for most of this, but do not ever ask me to refrain from Othering a rapist. The act of rape is deliberate, vicious and premeditated every time–or if not premeditated, it at least stems from an ingrained and irreversible pattern of predatory behavior. Rapists deserve to be othered and cast out entirely (personally I advocate execution but I know that’s a contested subject).
OP isn’t talking about what they deserve. it’s about understanding them well enough to change or prevent their behavior.
i am so tired of people being too squicked by crime to make it stop. y’all would rather let it proliferate and punish it after the fact than keep it from happening in the first place, if keeping it from happening would require you to think of criminals as human beings who do the wrong things, rather than as alien monsters whose motives and behavior are a total mystery.
not to mention how the monster hunter mentality causes people to assume suspicion = guilt. surely you can think of some problems with that reflex. possibly related to current events? if you think hard maybe?
“Y’all would rather let it proliferate and punish it after the fact than keep it from happening in the first place, if keeping it from happening would require you to think of criminals as human beings who do the wrong things, rather than as alien monsters whose motives and behavior are a total mystery.”
Having cognitive empathy doesn’t mean excusing the bad behavior.
But it becomes excusing the behavior as soon as people start saying “it was understandable because the victim was so difficult” and you usually see that when it’s an autistic or disabled person who was murdered by caregivers.
Yes! exactly!
It’s the difference between “I understand thar” and “that’s understandable.”
People often say things are understandable to excuse them.
Maybe it’s because that phrasing is so common, but a lot of people immediately assume that if you talk about understanding how this stuff happens, or how to prevent it, you’re excusing it.
Maybe it’s just the need to “other” people who do horrifying things. We need to believe that we could never do that, that they’re basically inhuman, that we can eradicate the problem by killing everyone who does it or identifying something about them that we can consider inhuman.
There are a ton of mental illnesses that people reach for to try to find the thing they can eradicate. This mindset is a huge, huge part of the reason that people with mental illnesses, and with disabilities in general, are vastly more likely to be the victims of violence/rape/murder than to be violent/rapists/murderers.
I see a lot of autistic people who get demonized for trying to understand why somebody would do terrible things, and what could make them stop.
Which often comes from having worked very hard on cognitive empathy. Because we want to understand how all the bizarre allistic people around us work and how all this weird social stuff works. Because being autistic often means you don’t understand how that stuff works, but you are good at trying to analyze systems and figure out their rules.
And I see a lot of allistic people who respond to this by insisting that we are excusing terrible acts. Maybe not only allistic people? but to me it seems like largely an allistic cultural thing.
I don’t think it’s a uniquely allistic thing, but I think you’re getting at something important here. People who are called monstrous tend to want to understand monsters. People doing the calling use that as proof that we were monstrous all along.
OH. MY. FUCKING.GOD. YES!!! I’ve been saying shit like this FOREVER. I am SO GLAD to find others who agree with me!
Other than disagreeing that we shouldn’t have affective empathy because my feelings about, well, feelings, seem to be different from most (i.e. it’s okay to feel/want/desire whatever… as long as you don’t ACT on the bad ones. Which isn’t that different from what psychotherapy already teaches. (Esp. see: validation in DBT… you can’t validate without having affective empathy, and validation does NOT mean saying something is okay, it means taking a neutral standpoint on the FEELINGS)), and the idea that reaching for mental illness to explain why people do bad things is bad (although that might not have been the point of “There are a ton of mental illnesses that people reach for to try to find the thing they can eradicate.”) (I’d rather people be seen as mentally ill, something human and treatable, than ‘evil’, something alien and irrevocable. Illness means hope for change. Evil means no hope for change.), I am on board with ALL of this. LIKE SO HARD.
But, honestly, I don’t understand why people think it would be so bad to have affective empathy. (or as someone else says “That’s understandable.” I think saying there’s a difference between the 2 is splitting hairs, and we need the following solution.) Feeling the feelings that someone would feel that drove them to do really bad things, to admit that there’s some part in all of us that wants to do those things too, even if it’s just the occasional impulse… just because everyone feels that way doesn’t mean we’re saying it’s okay to act on those feelings, and it totally boggles my mind that most seem to imply that.
But to feel those things, it means that we have to confront that part of ourselves that says “there but for whatever goes I” and people do NOT like to admit that it’s part of the human condition, as stated above. But if we could do that, it would REALLY help people who have mental illnesses (inc. personality disorders) that cause these urges feel less alone.
Like, frankly, sometimes I really feel like I’m the ONLY one who feels certain urges, but I’d love to see general people admit that they have them too. (Okay, ppl in general, but esp. SJ folks, because the whole community acts like they could NEVER EVER HAVE THOSE FEELINGS EVER GOD FORBID and I have this sneaking suspicion that not everyone is as they want to project. That plenty have various feelings and urges to do wrong/commit the wrongs they decry that they just don’t act on. Just like the general public.) Because I’m pretty damn sure they have them, even if it’s just some folks and/or every now and then, but no one is willing to step up to the plate and admit it. No one is willing to normalize HAVING the urges, while it desperately needs to be normalized.
Normalization doesn’t mean endorsement. It doesn’t mean that it’ll be okay to DO those things. It just means you’re not some freak or monster for feeling that way, for having those urges. It means MANY people have those feelings. They’re not outside of the human experience. But ya still can’t do them, or express them in harmful ways.
But, yes, the more we don’t just chalk things up to “they’re monsters, they’re not like us, we couldn’t POSSIBLY be like that”, the more we can actually come up with real solutions for this.
Plus, I’m saying this one more time for the folks in the back:
“Y’all would rather let it proliferate and punish it after the fact than keep it from happening in the first place, if keeping it from happening would require you to think of criminals as human beings who do the wrong things, rather than as alien monsters whose motives and behavior are a total mystery.”
Also, you can totally replace “criminals” and “do the wrong things” with “pedophiles” and “are attracted to the wrong people”. (And, yes, you could also replace it with “child molesters” and “have sex with the wrong people”, but that would be under “criminals”.)
This is SUCH an important addition. I would have included this stuff if I’d had any idea how viral the initial post would go. When I differentiated between affective and cognitive empathy, I was thinking of how no one should be *demanding* that you empathize with murderous feelings, which I still stand by – policing people’s feelings, in any direction, is cruel and futile. But you’re so, so right: these things exist on a continuum. There’s no distinct at which a thought becomes something only a Bad person would think. The difference between me and a murderer isn’t that I’ve never had murderous thoughts. Everyone likes to think *they* wouldn’t have just followed orders, but statistically speaking, we all probably would’ve.
(I also really *really* like the idea of “better sick than evil”. Reminding myself that I’m not a lost cause because of some of the things my mental illnesses have made me do has gotten me through Some Shit.)
There’s a lot of really good additions since the last time I saw this.
On the topic of empathy:
I know at least two people with clinically-diagnosed ASPD. People who specifically enjoy hurting people as an end in itself because it feels really good, and who don’t feel bad about this.
I also know dozens of people who think anyone who feels that way is a horrible monster.
The people I know with actual clinical ASPD are less likely to hurt people (non-consensually, anyway) than the people who think they’re monsters.
I am regularly disgusted by what I see in my Facebook feed.
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Ah yes. I had to listen to an “inspirational speaker” whose main message was “exercise and just stop taking pills!!!” a few weeks ago through a work event. Yay. Lovely.
fixed it
Perfect
fuck you I’m gonna eat a mountain too
self care is washing down your meds with an entire mountain then fistfighting god in a target parking lot
a lot of people assume because i dont talk a lot that its because im in a bad mood or grumpy or being cold with them but its just like a genuinely have nothing to say!! i am not an interesting person!! i dont know how to respond to people 90% of the time dont take it personally!!
MIDORIMA SAID THAT IF THERE WAS ONE THING HE’D LIKE TO IMPROVE AT IT’S COOKING BECAUSE TAKAO LAUGHED AT HIM ONE TIME. MIDORIMA WANTS TO GET BETTER AT COOKING FOR TAKAO MIDORIMA WANTS TO COOK FOR TAKAO
