okay so i’ve seen a lot of post about What If Humans Were Weird and stuff about humans and aliens interacting but………….give me some human/alien relationships? where are my complicated courting rituals???? where are my human alien marriages??? Give Me That Shit!
what if aliens consider humans the Epitome of Beauty and grace? like yknow how some ostriches prefer presenting to humans instead of other ostriches? and anyone who is lucky enough to be mated to a human is thought of to be like a tier above.
but like the flip side where any human who marries an alien is immediately known as a Kinkster. “i fucking knew david was into weird shit!!! no wonder he got married to an alien from sector 764b4 HE LIKES TENTACLES!!”
or maybe?? aliens who like humans are weird to other aliens? “omg ru’garr stop fetishizing an entire species, u creep.” and ru’garr is trying to hide his weird human porn like “ITS NOT THAT WEIRD GUYS THE GENITALS ARE COMPATIBLE!!!” “fuck off ru’garr”
Humans becoming selective about which activities they share with certain alien species and this confuses their
crewmates constantly.
Tramuis encounters Human Pam in the corridor and they seem especially excited about the brightly illustrated box they have in their possession.
“Hey Tram!! I just got a package, wanna come put it together with me?”
Having been advised on the importance of bonding actives with the ship’s human and possessing the time to spare they agree to participate. Excited, Human Pam leads them to an empty conference room with a large table.
“This’ll do. No one should bother it here if we don’t finish today.”
“What device are we assembling?”
“It’s not a ‘device’,” Pam laughs opening the box and spreading hundreds of small oddly shaped multicolored pieces on the table. “It’s a picture.”
“I am confused. What is the point of this activity?”
“It’s called a puzzle. We just need to reconstruct the image on the box using these interlocking pieces. There’s only one right way to do it, but the size, shape and color patterns are all designed to make the task difficult and time consuming.” Pam states with a smile. “It’s tons of fun. My family did them all the time in the winter.”
Knowing that this is an activity associated with the harsh freezing cycle of the terrain home world makes Tramuis a bit nervous and in want of another crewmate or two in case of the unexpected. A fairly wise precaution given a human’s loose definition of the term ‘fun’. “Maybe we should invite Commander Schrimnex to join us, their people are know for impressive visual acuity.”
“Nah, not that guy.” Pam states as they start manipulating the pieces.
“I am surprised. I was under the impression that your bonding level with the Commander
was rather high.”
“Oh don’t get me wrong, Nexie’s great. Best sharpshooter on the ground team and I wouldn’t have anyone anyone else watching my back.”
“Then why do you not wish for them to join us?”
Pam arches up the facial hairs above their eye. “Listen Tram, my nanna didn’t send this ten lightyears just to have a dude with sixteen eyes finish it in five minutes. Now get in here and help me find the edges.”
My contribution to the humans are space orcs, it’s probably been seen before but oh well.
So, You guys know about pursuit/persistence hunting right? Where we just follow the prey without stopping until it slows down or drops dead from fear and exhaustion?
What if when aliens first discover earth, the thoughts of these bipedal predatory omnivores are bad enough but we seem pretty obsessed with farming our food so maybe we aren’t much of a threat.
Once humans are zipping about in space, that’s when they realise that these harmless bipedal omnivorous farmers are actually hunters who just never give up.
If someone hurts their crew, they just follow it for days before killing it. These soft fleshy things are terrifying. These soft fleshy things may not be the strongest or fastest but we are some of the hardest damn things to kill because we just won’t die and if we survive we won’t stop until we get you.
We farm things because we can and because it’s easy. Not because we have to in order to survive.
We farm things because we’re too busy fighting each other to hunt for everything.
We stake out areas, we mimic its noises, we stalk it, we put ourselves in danger to kill a food source for fun.
Humans are already terrifying enough, but then it gets injuries like contusions (which is deadly to several species mind you!) and it doESN’T EVEN KNOW WHY?!?!?!?
At first the interspecies council thinks it’s a joke. Yes, it has already been established that a human just plain won’t die (with very few exceptions, like decapitation) and contusions aren’t that dangerous for most species. That it’d be unsuccessful at killing a human wasn’t surprising, but that they some times don’t even know how they’ve gotten the contusion? No that has to be a joke.
It’s ruled as another myth until a member of the council travels with a ship with a few human crew-members. Trofaxiq the Elder had taken a stroll around the ship a few days into the voyage when he heard two humans talking.
“Maybe you walked into something?” The tall, highly pigmented one said, inspecting something on the slightly shorter, less pigmented one.
“Yeah, you know I’m clumsy, but the position’s weird, isn’t it?” The shorter one said, looking down at their own appendage.
“So maybe you got it in your sleep?” The tall one suggested as the short one spotted Trofaxiq the Elder and jabbed its appendage into their fellow human’s sternum. A less experienced Froentir would have mistaken it for an attack, but Trofaxiq the Elder knew enough about human behaviour to know it was called a ‘nudge’ and was socially acceptable.
After the normal exchange of greetings and pleasantries, Trofaxiq the Elder eventually asked the humans what they had been discussing. The tall one, Fatima, said the short one,
Lucía
had gotten a bruise, but couldn’t remember how. Unsure what a bruise was, Trofaxiq the Elder asked, but quickly came to wish they hadn’t as they saw the large contusion on the humans appendage.
Less than one rotation later, the human guide had been updated, and a suggestion had been made to add a classification so they could mark humans down as more dangerous than the previous “extremely dangerous, do not approach in the wild”
The only problem was how useful humans could be to expeditions. In the end, the suggestion wasn’t passed, to the worry of many council members.
just because it “fits” doesnt mean its comfortable or sustainable stopppppppp this shit
There are two main factors at play when someone says that a condom is too small: (1) the band size is too small & (2) the condom is not sustainable
The band is at the base of the condom. It’s latex is made thicker here than the shaft and is, therefore, less elastic. The band keeps the condom secure so it does not come off mid-insertion and so penial fluids do not leak from the condom. To do this, the band has to keep a very tight grip on the base of the penis. This is the main complaint from people using condoms too small for them. The shaft’s plastic can stretch comfortably, but the band is not so lenient and uncomfortably or painfully squeezes the base of the penis.
Condoms in use experience a lot of friction. For a condom’s shaft or band to be stretched farther than it was intended weakens the latex. The band and shaft are then at risk of being broken from the friction. It fitting does not mean it is sustainable.
If your partner says a condom is too small, believe them and cease from doing anything that requires a condom. If your partner says a condom is too small but is trying to pressure you into unprotected sex, kick them out the door.
Thaaaank you please read the above they make large and XXL condoms for a reason and it’s not to stoke men’s egos
A former… friend suggested I try a size or two larger, and yes, they do work.
Yep. At first, I thought that condoms were supposed to be that tight. I’d seen those “condoms can fit on a two liter bottle so quit your complaining,” I had no basis for comparison because dudes don’t talk about that shit, and no one wants to be that “HURR HURR GUESS I NEED A MAGNUM XL” guy.
Now wear that condom on your arm for a while. Ten minutes at least. Still got sensation in your arm?
One of the many failures of sex ed in this country is the notion that there’s only two types of condom, “fits everyone except those elephant-trunk-cock freaks” and “for elephant-trunk-cock freaks or lying braggarts” (and yes, there’s implicit shame in the idea of people needing non-”regular”-sized condoms and the genesis for such is pretty likely rooted in some really nasty viewpoints about certain groups of people but I’m digressing).
But penises come in a LOT of dimensions, and not all of them fit right in a “normal” condom. You don’t need to have a monster down there for a condom to be legitimately painful and/or break mid-act. This can leave a lot of people legitimately unawares that it doesn’t have to be like this. (I was, early on.)
Condom too tight? That’s a real problem for the reasons pointed out above. But it’s a solvable one at most drug stores, which generally have a broader (ha ha) selection than your Walmarts or Targets. Or suck it up (ha ha) and go to an “adult boutique” (a proper one) where they’re likely to have even more options and let’s be real here the people working at these aren’t gonna give you Looks over condom selection. Or shop at said boutiques online if you REALLY need to avoid the in-person thing.
And if you think you’re gonna be doing things requiring condoms, HAVE YOUR OWN. Yes, even if you personally don’t have a penis. Buy a box of large-size as well just in case.
And don’t let anyone give you guff over it, and don’t let anyone pressure you into unprotected sex because of condom size.
Pavements are not designed with mobility aids in mind. It’s not even as simply as lowered curbs – it’s also about gnarly bits in the middle of the pavement, and about finding the bit of (lowered or not) curb where you can actually get on, and about avoiding the boneshakers that just increase your pain levels.
I see it a fair bit that people refuse to get out of my way, or are simply unaware that the bit of pavement they’re on is the bit that actually has a lowered curb. I see people parking in front of lowered curbs. I even see kind souls trying to get out of my way and unwittingly blocking my only viable path.
Just look down. When you see us, look at the road surface and try to imagine where you’d like to be if your feet were wheels. Okay? And then don’t be there.
It’s not a big thing. It’s okay that you never realised. But it would take the onus off of us to ask you to get out of the way – which is nerve-wracking for those of us with anxiety, and potentially dangerous when we end up unable to just get onto the pavement after crossing the road.
It’d be a lovely low-key way to be an ally.
Cool? Cool.
also please keep an eye out for canes and crutches, and make sure you don’t kick them or let your dog run into them. thanks.
Our party—a bard, a fighter, and a ranger—were on a one-off side quest to deliver a letter to somebody. He wasn’t at his house (learned after breaking in, to the DM’s dismay), so we found out the general area he was in and went there, confusion in our wake and a spring in our steps. I, the bard, had decided that I would funnel every ounce of skill I possessed into charisma, and at level 5 had a +6 modifier. I had been using that power at every opportunity that arose. We wander through the foothills full of caves, looking for this guy, when our fighter rolls a nat 20 perception trying to look for any signs of life.
DM: You—okay, so. Yeah. With that, you actually notice about fifty feet away that a particular cluster of bushes is rustling just slightly, but not with the breeze.
Fighter: Oh. Cool. “Hey guys, I think there are some folks in those bushes over there.”
Me: “Cool beans! HELLOOOOOOO, MY DUDES!”
DM: There’s a few seconds of silence before four guys come slowly forward from the bushes. They look pretty rough and tough, and uh—
Ranger: Can I roll perception? Uh… that’s a 15.
DM: You deduce that they’re probably bandits or something. They’re walking forward and one of the guys says, “Who are you little pests, and what’re ya doing in these here foothills of ours?”
Me: “We’re just hanging out, traveling, and actually it seems like a good time to break for breakfast if you lovely gents would like to join us! I can brew us up some chamomile, I have like a thousand mushrooms I got earlier—”
Fighter: “I got that chicken, too, and jerky.”
Me: “Oh hell yeah, we’re gonna chow down if y’all want in on that action.”
DM: That’s, uh… that’s persuasion, advantage because you’re offering them food and seem too dumb to be dangerous.
Me: Thanks man. Uh… 14 total.
DM: *head in his hands* I just—okay, they join you for breakfast I guess. And yet again you avoid a fight I planned for you. One of the dudes breaks out some eggs from somewhere.
DM: ………<i>all of them???</i> I mean… sure?? I guess??
Me: Hells yeah. Rolling.
Proceeds to roll: 16, 19, and <i>two natural 20s</i>.
DM: *head on the table* Like. You—you make your fellow party members super uncomfortable. You are piled under boys, it’s kinda gross but super chill for you. Kent wasn’t super into the whole group thing before, but now he would straight up die for you. He’s learning a lot about himself today.
Me: I’m gonna write those names down for later. Can I put “a boys harem” in my items list?
just moving along like everyone else 