Takao has been in a
bad mood all day, and Midorima doesn’t know what to do with that. He knows that
Takao is in a bad mood, because he’s not laughing, or joking or teasing or
doing any of the usual Takao things. Unlike other people in a bad mood, Takao
doesn’t snap at others or show any open hostility, he’s just quiet, like he’s
concentrating very intently on any task at hand. Midorima does not like the
fact that he is quiet.
“Is something wrong?”
he asks, early in the day.
“No,” Takao says.
“What makes you think that?”
Midorima doesn’t
respond, because he especially doesn’t like the fact that Takao is lying, but
he doesn’t press the issue.
*
“What’s up with your
boyfriend?” Miyaji asks during practice.
“He wouldn’t say,”
Midorima says.
“Did you do
something?” Miyaji asks suspiciously.
“I never do anything wrong,” Midorima says, with a haughtiness that he doesn’t
quite feel. What if he did do something? Would he know? He’s never had a
boyfriend before (he’s never even had a friend before) so he’s not sure
how he would know if he did something wrong.
“If that’s your
attitude, I’m not sure you’re going to have a boyfriend for very long,” Miyaji
says.
*
After school, he shows
up at Takao’s house unannounced, holding a cheeseburger.
“Here,” he says,
placing the cheeseburger in Takao’s hands. “It is your lucky item for the day.”
“I know,” Takao says,
confused, “I listen to the show in the morning. What are you doing here,
Shin-chan?”
Midorima purses his
lips, feeling stiff and awkward in the presence of someone he’s never felt
awkward around before. “I wanted to see if you were feeling better.”
Takao tilts his head
to the side. “I wasn’t feeling bad.”
“Then, I’m here to
help you study.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say
no to that,” Takao says, smiling slightly, “Let me copy your English homework.”
“No.”
*
“My dad called,” Takao
says, halfway through their English homework. He doesn’t even look up from his
worksheet.
There is a very long
silence as Midorima wages a war within himself. He wants to say something, but
he wants to say the right thing, and he’s not sure what that is. He
knows Takao doesn’t like talking about his father, so he’s pretty sure he’s not
supposed to press for details. And he’s not sure if he could provide comfort,
because it’s not something he could even understand.
“I wish he wouldn’t,”
Takao says, sounding angry. It’s so unsettling, Midorima’s not sure he’s ever
heard Takao be angry before. “If he’s going to be an asshole he should
just remain an absentee one. I wish I never had to hear from him again.”
There’s a small part
of Midorima that wants to say, I could make that happen for you. I could
make it so he never bothers you or makes you angry or makes you sad ever again.
I know how to do it, I’m very good at it. There’s a small part of him that
even wants to do this for Takao, because it’s something he knows he can
do.
But he’s also aware
that it’s probably not what Takao needs to hear.
*
He’s not entirely sure
what he should be doing, so he’s not looking at Takao at all when he reaches
out and grabs his hand. He’s not looking at Takao when he says, “He’s not
important. He doesn’t deserve you.” He’s looking very firmly at his homework
even as he holds Takao’s hand. There’s more he wants to say, but Takao abruptly
flings himself on Midorima, pushing him down as he wraps his arms around him.
“Oh, Shin-chan, you’re
such an adorable tsundere! My boyfriend is the cutest boyfriend in the
world!”
“Stop that!” Midorima
says, although he doesn’t push Takao away. He has his arms around Takao like
he’s afraid Takao might disappear forever if he lets go. “I’m not cute.”
“You are, though,”
Takao says, laying down on Midorima. He sighs. “I’m very lucky.”
Which isn’t true at
all, Midorima thinks. Of the two of them, Midorima has been far more fortunate.
*
“So am I supposed to
eat this or just hold it for the rest of the day?” Takao says, still resting
his head on Midorima and holding out the cheeseburger.
“I’ve never been
certain,” Midorima confesses. “When it’s a food item, I usually hold onto it,
as long as it’s not perishable.”
“Eh, I’m eating it,
the luck will stay with me then,” Takao says, biting it and then grinning, “At
least for a little while, anyway,
before I—”
“Don’t be vulgar,
Takao,” Midorima snaps. When Takao laughs and continues eating his burger,
something in Midorima finally relaxes.
A/N: I am so, so sorry
it has taken so long to get to this prompt! I am very sorry, anon-friend, it
was a truly lovely prompt, but it was one of those ones that would have been
too long, if I tried to do all of the Miracles. (Even got longish just from
properly doing the one pairing). I promised a MidoTaka short for @fujoshi1827, so I
felt like this would be a good fit. I hope you both enjoyed!
In peacetime, the ruler grows their hair long. In war, they cut it short.
A ruler with long hair is held in great esteem, for defending the peace.
The traditional declaration of war is for the ruler to send their cut-off hair to the enemy ruler. The statement carries greater weight the longer the hair: to receive long hair says that you have angered one who is slow to anger, that you have incurred a wrath not easily woken.
Violent war-mongering leader frantically and aggressively tries to shave just a LITTLE hair off the top of their head into an envelope.
A faraway king receives a heavy wooden crate filled with a coil of the longest hair he has ever seen.
A despised ruler finds hundreds of pounds of cut-off ponytails at her castle entrance, each one belonging to her own people.
A young emperor refuses to cut their hair and insists on trying to make peace with invaders. The enemy leader steps forward, draws their blade, and cuts the emperor’s hair themselves.
Hellen cuts her hair off and throws it in Cathy’s face at her son’s soccer scrimmage.
when you go from a bad situation into a better one you may collapse exhausted and unsure what to do and full of grief, you may need time to regain the ability to do things as yourself or motivated by anything other than terror, you may need time to process or mourn or fall apart in ways you could not before,
and people may use this as proof that the old situation was better for you, proof that you need to go back, and it is not proof that it was better for you or proof that you need to go back
!!!
It’s so incredibly common to “fall apart” when you’re finally safe. You no longer need to stay so tightly coiled in on yourself, you can finally leave survival mode and process your trauma. You’re not holding yourself up by sheer terror anymore and suddenly the damage that terror has done to you becomes immediate and obvious.
This is so important. Don’t go back. Things are already getting better, even if it doesn’t feel that way.
This is a documented phenomenon with abuse in particular. I’ve had a number of people ask me why they’re falling apart now after they’ve moved into a safer home, or they’re in a less dangerous area, or they’ve left an exploitative job, or they’re in a healthy relationship for the first time. Generally, it’s because they made that positive change.
When we’re still in the midst of crisis, we’re often too overloaded and physically/emotionally unsafe to really feel or process anything. So for most of us, everything gets pushed down/repressed/dissociated until later, when we’re safe and supported. The threshold of safety at which processing begins to occur varies from person to person. And the mental calculations used to determine “safety” usually happen on an unconscious level. Very few of us have the conscious thought “I’m safe now, so I can process what happened to me.” Instead, the subconscious realizes some level of safety has been achieved, and so it just dumps a load of suppressed stuff.
Sometimes, it’s contrast to past experiences that makes us realize something was traumatic at all. In such cases, it’s not that we’ve reached a level of safety and can thus begin to process, it’s that we finally have a basis for comparison to know that what went before was unacceptable.
this is also the case for getting treatment/medication for an ongoing illness. it’s theorized that’s why antidepressants sometimes seem to cause suicide – someone who was too defeated and exhausted to even try to kill themself might react to the return of energy by following through on suicidal ideation they just didn’t have the wherewithal to address before.
i’ve even observed something similar with physical illness. when i found a pain medication that worked for my chronic pain, i slept like 14 hours a day for the first couple weeks – because finally i COULD sleep without being woken up by pain.
please spread the word that it’s normal to faceplant when a long-term stressor is removed. you’re not getting worse. you’re starting to heal.
just moving along like everyone else 