Aries: Make a hot chocolate, spend the day in your underwear. Most things can wait.
Taurus: No, screaming and running around in circles isnt terribly effective at solving problems but its cathartic dammit and thats the point.
Gemini: Did you know you can pretty much dance wherever you want? Most people are too uncomfortable to ask you to stop. Dance away you mad thing, dance.
Cancer: You cant unbreak an egg. You can try. But you will have a horrific creation of super glue and scotch tape and nobody wants that.
Leo: If you’re making curry, make sure to chop the veggies really fine grate them if you can, and let the curry reduce 50% longer than you think it needs too.
Virgo: If you ever cant relax, sit your ass down and find yourself a fuckin coloring book.
Libra: There is time enough for that. There is time enough for rest too.
Scorpio: With good timing, curses can be reflected with baseball bats.
Ophiuchus: Everything has a darker nature.
Sagittarius: What most people call mistakes, great artists call style. You are your imperfections.
Capricorn: After enough time, one knows exactly how much cereal to pour into a particular bowl. Zen.
Aquarius: The twirling of the room is no danger to you. It means its time to sleep.
Pisces: Your heart should always have a couch for others to crash on.
Normal Horoscope:
Aries: Get one of the cartons of whole grain goldfish. Fill it with the normal kind. Nobody will ever know. Now it will look healthy when you eat them by the fistful on the subway.
Taurus: Stub your toe. Scream. Form a fugue. It will be a cathartic fugue.
Gemini: Yes, the scissors and the bike are made of the same thing. This does not mean they are interchangeable. At least not without a forge. Know what you can work with.
Cancer: Sense cannot be trusted. Only astrology blogs can be trusted. Good luck reading them without your senses though.
Leo: There is no place in the world for elitism. There is only room enough for conga.
Virgo: Consider yourself. Consider the complexity of a music box. Consider the simplicity of the lullaby it plays. How complex is the sleep that follows?
Libra: You don’t win new friend without bloodshed now spit out those teeth and get back in there.
Scorpio: I know it keeps the rain off you but anything that can be described as “flesh rending” is not appropriate job interview attire.
Ophiuchus: The tiny statues of famous actors you made out of paper clips have come to life and set up a surprisingly intricate government under your bed. They revere you as a god. Time for some smiting.
Sagittarius: As symbolic as it is, the process of a butterfly emerging from a cocoon is a rather horrific process.
Capricorn: Capricorns know what they did and will get their fortune once they learn their manners.
Aquarius: A rubber band is only as useful as is devious the mind that holds it.
Pisces: The internet is fraught with bias, dice don’t make sense all the time, and only other option would be ourselves and we all know that bastard can’t be trusted.
But what did Anton think of the almost naked spooning in bed?! Considering he’s the instigator.
He’s kind of freaking out? But it’s superseded by this:
So you’ve got this best friend. He is basically made of sunshine, you have no fucking idea how he’s so cheerful all the time. He’s been a little down since they shipped Fournier out, but that just means he’s 99% made of sunshine. Then you get the new guy, and he just wilts a little when he’s around him, even if he hadn’t told you what the asshat said, you’d know he was being a dick, because Vinny’s tentative, and that’s basically awful.
You have a bad loss, and those happen, and sometimes they hit Vinny really hard, especially when he’s blaming himself for them. But he’s never ditched you without a word (Grayson barely counts), and you don’t know what it was like when Vinny lived alone, but he’s never been bad enough around you that he curls into a ball under the covers about it. Usually he either wants moral support and hugs help, or he doesn’t, and he doesn’t want to talk about it, so you just put something distracting on TV and don’t talk about it.
But he was near tears, and you’re furious, because you know it wasn’t just the loss, you know that dickbag must have said something to him, so you go and ask, even though he doesn’t want to be asked, because if someone’s being awful to him, you need to know so that you can fix it, because someone being awful to Vinny is just wrong. He didn’t play a good game, you know that, he knows that, the whole room knows that, but bad games happen.
So you go to his room, and he’s this tragic little blanket monster, and he doesn’t want to talk about it, and usually you’d take that as your cue to let it go, but you need to talk about it, because something’s wrong. So you nudge, and he’s not budging, and he still sounds like he’s on the verge of tears, and even if he’s basically beaming out ‘NO MORAL SUPPORT PLEASE’, you almost need to give him support more for yourself than for him? He needs a hug, and you need to give him a hug, and you promised his dad you’d take care of him, and maybe this is the sort of thing his dad meant, taking care of Vinny when he acts like he’s fine, because he clearly isn’t.
He’s resistant, so you give moral support to the resistance, which, okay, is sort of spooning, but it’s just a hug lying down, you’ve done those with him before. And he mumbles that your belt is digging into his spine, but he’s already indicated he doesn’t want you to leave, so instead of leaving him in discomfort or making space, you get rid of the belt, and the dress shirt because it’s probably not comfortable either, and his skin is hot under your fingers, almost feverish, body a line against yours, and this isn’t something you’ve done, isn’t something you do, not even for Vinny, not anyone, when a girl stays the night you can’t sleep if she’s touching you, but his breath has evened out from this hitching thing that means he’s trying not to cry, and you don’t want to do anything to take that away, to undermine it, so you stay there.
And you are freaking the fuck out, but he needs you right now.
can you tell me something nice about anton and vinnys life i miss them
I miss them too.
- Vinny has converted Anton to the magic of butterfly kisses. Anton would die before letting anyone else know, but they make him feel so warm.
- Vladimir almost got into a yelling match with another former goalie about Thomas’ play and he admits later that the other guy wasn’t even wrong, but it was about Vinny.
- Vinny has taken to stealing some of Anton’s clothes and Anton doesn’t quite understand the feeling he has seeing Vinny in them, this possessive feeling that’s almost sexual but not quite, protectiveness because Vinny’s smaller than him and in his clothes you can tell, a lingering contentment.
- Thomas’ and Anton’s parents finally meet and they get along swimmingly and Anton is horrified because of course he is and Vinny is over the moon and they’re talking about going on vacation next summer.
- Fournier gives Anton the shovel talk and Anton wanders about entirely traumatized for days and when Thomas calls and asks what the fuck Fourns said, Fourns’ laughter sounds kind of evil.
Anton would disagree that some of these were nice (parent bonding, Fourns trauma), but they’re all nice to me.
this was the only medium I could convey this story through
i just stopped breathing
I think you should be a little afraid of what you put out there. A little nervous that people are going to see through it and they’re going to see you. Nobody likes the idea of this, but I like it: That there needs to be blood on the page. I think there should be some piece of you left on the page so when you put it out there you’re a little nervous.
Okay but we have these posts about humans being super weird compared to aliens and I’m just picturing meme culture
Humans, these terrifying space orcs, are prone to temporary and sometimes destructive lapses of reason. The aliens, by inference, realize the human word for this madness. “Aesthetic”
“Human, please stop misspelling your words on purpose. I can not understand.”
and somewhat linked to that, our tendency for calm overstatement. “I’m pretty sure she’s an actual goddess.”
“As a standard, we do not allow religion to influence our mission.”
“I’d let her step on my face”
“Human, please stop with this aesthetic behavior.”
*giggling*Or our tendency to be ridiculously vague but understand anyway, and relate to inanimate things.
*compacted trash cube gets ejected into space*
“Same”
“Human what do you mean.”
“That. Same.”
“Commander, what’s wrong with the human?”
“He’s having an aesthetic fit, I think. He’ll be back to normal soon.”An “aesthetic fit,” I love that. It goes in the Meme Box, my alien friend.
so you see, humans evolved to be bipedal on account of how our ancestors transitioned from the forest environment to the savannah environment, and in the savannah environment bipedalism was more adaptive because it provides better thermoregulation and allows you to carry things, but most of all because bipedal locomotion is highly energy efficient and energy efficient locomotion would have been very strongly selected for on account of how time budgets are a limiting factor on home range which is a limiting factor on diet quality and breadth which is really quite important
my lecturers have been very clear and very insistent that bipedalism evolved first and then allowed tool use, tool use did not spur a transition to bipedalism, the fossil record is Clear On This Point
and what I do not understand is: if bipedalism is so completely wonderfully energy-efficient and optimal, why are there so few bipedal things? How come lions and gazelles and giraffes and buffalo aren’t bipedal? Why aren’t other savannah species selected for energy-efficient locomotion too?
I am sure there is a good explanation for this but my lecturers have still not provided it and I must know please god just somebody explain this to me or I will die of curiosity
Reasons Why We Have Bipedal Apes, But Not Bipedal Lions, According To My Biological Anthropology Supervisor:
You know when creationists talk about how an eye couldn’t possibly evolve gradually, because half an eye is useless and a waste of resources and worse than no eye at all?
They’re wrong about eyes; a single photoreceptor cell (usually just an evolutionary ‘tweak’ away from a regular epidermal cell with biochemistry that happened to be photosensitive) is actually useful and great, and more is better. If you imagine breaking a modern wing in half and attaching it to a bird, “half a wing is useless” sounds true, but it stops sounding true when you realise that halfway to a wing doesn’t look like a modern bird wing but broken in half, it looks like a slightly enlarged membrane between a limb and your body that gives you just an extra half second of glide time when you jump.
But there *are* adaptations in this class of things, where it’s great if you have full-blown X but shitty to have half-baked X. As you might imagine, they are quite rare, because as the creationists correctly observe, if half-X is maladaptive there is no path to arrive at X through gradual adaptation to an environment. And yet bipedalism is of this class. How?
Well, you wanna know what it looks like to have enough bipedal foot structure that you decide to go adventuring around in the savannah on two feet, but you haven’t got the pelvic structure to make it efficient yet? YOU CAN’T RUN. You are literally incapable of moving faster than a kind of slow awkward lope. Your back kills all the time because your bones are all pointed the wrong way and your back muscles are trying to keep you upright. Your ankle and leg bones take far more pounding than they were ever optimised before and occasionally shatter. You’re unbalanced and ungainly and frankly sort of pathetic, and at very high risk from predators (to repeat: RUN AWAY IS NOT AN AVAILABLE STRATEGY).
Why would anything go through a long gradual process of getting much shittier and then eventually getting better, since evolution can’t plan or foresee? WRONG QUESTION. Whoever told you evolution was a slow gradual constant drift was a dirty rotten liar, just like all your other teachers from when you were twelve. More commonly, evolution involves long periods of relative stability where the organism is pretty much as adapted to its niche as it’s going to get, and then something changes and there’s a very rapid response. Or it involves successful populations dispersing widely over a landscape, then becoming distinct reproducing populations which lost genetic contact with each other and diverging, and then there’s an environmental change and they reconnect and sometimes they happily interbreed and sometimes one of the divergent branches drives the others extinct and disperses itself widely and rinse and repeat.
What happened was, basically:
Hi we’re early hominins and we just love hanging around in trees and we’re proud to say we’ve been hanging around in trees now for a couple million years and we haven’t changed a bit, slightly bigger skulls aside, we’re basically just per- what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE DID THE TREES GO?? WHY IS IT SUDDENLY SO DRY???? oh my God I can see nothing but grass and I am having to walk around on my hind legs all the FUCKING time and FUCK FUCK FUCK THAT’S A LION FUCK PANIC RED ALERT oh okay we’re bipedal now I guess, that was quick, oh well, all fine, carry on
Somehow we survived when a change in environment pushed us into a new ecological niche. The selection pressure was strong enough to make us acquire a really quite extensive range of mods to make bipedalism work, but not strong enough to make us dead.
Of course, “strong pressure to adapt somehow” doesn’t necessarily mean “strong pressure to adapt in this specific way we know is really good”. Early hominins who lived before the forest shrinkage have been shown to have a few bipedal adaptations. We weren’t sure what the hell they were doing with them, so we looked at chimps. Turns out chimps display short-distance carrying behavior – as in, picking up an object and carrying it. They don’t carry tools and can’t move far bipedally, but what they do do is pick up a valuable resource like a choice bit of prey and haul it off with them, away from the group of moneys fighting over the rest of the prey. So before the forests collapsed, there was a mild selection pressure to be able to use only your hind legs for a short stretch so that you could carry something in your arms, and when they collapsed, individuals good at that behavior were better at surviving the savannah and evolution just slammed its foot on the gas pedal until you get obligate bipeds.
So, a species that wasn’t forced into a rapid niche change like that, wouldn’t evolve an initially-painful thing like bipedalism. What about all the other species that made the same change as the same time as us? Eh, many went extinct, that happens a lot with ecological change, but the ones who survived didn’t do bipedalism.
Points to those who said it was about evolution having different starting points to build on, y’all were correct. No matter how awesome and efficient and optimal bipedalism is, evolution only cares about whether the next tiny step in some random direction increases or decreases how many offspring are produced. Evolution “looks” for the NEAREST solution that counts as a solution, not the best solution.
For a species of monkeys that were forced to spend less time in the forest and range wider and already had some variable locomotion abilities, evolution went for bipedalism. Bipedalism may have enabled the future awesomeness of humans with its efficiency and head stability and what have you, but evolution made it happen just because it was the local maxima – its awesomeness is a lucky side effect.
But where monkeys used short bursts of bipedal movements to carry things, another species might use something more convenient for them – say, a lion might pick up and carry things in its mouth, and if there was a selection pressure to be better at carrying the lions might end up with bigger mouths, but “become bipedal” is very unlikely because half bipedal is worse than no bipedal at all.
Basically, monkeys had the preconditions for bipedalism, nothing else did. (Note that this does not make monkeys special – the ancestor of any species with an unusual adaptation, from giraffes’ long necks to penguins’ Arctic-water-proofing feathers, was a thing that had the preconditions for that adaptation when nothing else did.)
Bipedalism didn’t happen because it was awesome, it became awesome because the range of adaptations it supports turned out to be a package that turned into, well, us.
…Notice that we are not actually the only bipedal species. Notice what they mean when they say things like, “Bipedalism leads to the ability to carry things leads to tool use leads to bigger brains”. On a naive reading, it means “bipedalism is a part of the tech tree and once you’ve bought it you can get hands optimised for holding tools”, and if it says this then you are right to be confused as to why perfectly good bipedal emus do not also have spears and control of fire.
When you realise that evolutionary studies is so full of ridiculously many caveats and preconditions that lecturers just omit them and assume you know they’re there, you start interpreting what they say more like, “In a species that already dabbled in just a tiny bit of bipedalism, bipedalism was the only way to go when the niche changed, it was way better for the new niche then the old way of locomotion, and given the likely presence of some proto-tool-like behaviors like throwing rocks or poking things with sticks, it created an adaptive opportunity to better fit this particular environment by improving on the tool behaviours using the new physiological advantages.”
Also god I learned a lot in that hour. Why does time spent *not* talking to biological anthropologists have to be a thing? Talking to biological anthropologists is the BEST.
Epistemic status: my recollection of a conversation an hour ago between me and an academic in this field, any misunderstandings are because I’m an undergrad who didn’t get what he was trying to say.
THIS IS SO COOL
(Why do I not live on a university campus D:)
SO YES and also, I’m going to pull out my Vaclav Smil* for a second here.
Human locomotion is not particularly energy efficient! It takes us more energy to walk or run than it does for most mammalian quadrupeds, but our energy use curves look pretty different from theirs.
If a horse goes for a trot, its trot (like all its gaits) has a U-shaped energy curve. It costs more to trot at slower speeds, goes down to a most-efficient pace, and then comes back up. At a certain point, it crosses over the energy curve for the horse’s next gait, and the horse will (left to its own devices) start to canter or gallop.
Human WALKING has a U-shaped curve like that, but human RUNNING does not, and that is damned strange for a mammal. Our friend Smil says: “the energetic cost of human running is relatively high, but humans are unique in virtually uncoupling this cost from speed”. That particular aspect of things is a direct side-effect of bipedalism: we can vary our breathing in ways that quadrupedal animals (who have supporting legs all attached to their breathing apparatus) cannot. Basically, we are the evolutionary equivalent of cartoon characters who can spin their legs really fast. So we aren’t as efficient at running as a horse who is going at its optimum pace, but we can speed up and slow down and it won’t cost us much, which is not true of the horse.
Not incidentally, this is why many humans practiced (or still practice) persistence hunting. If you are less efficient than that delicious antelope, but you can make it run at its least-efficient panic speed while you trundle along at a nice constant rate, you can exhaust it.
* Smil, Vaclav (2007-12-21). Energy in Nature and Society: General Energetics of Complex Systems (MIT Press). The MIT Press. Kindle Edition.
I’m so glad OP came back and corrected themselves, I was sitting on my hands reading the first part! Omg those lecturers. I mean they’re getting minimum wage but still. Bless their hearts.
The lecturers conflated tool use and tool making. Tool USE is observed throughout the animal kingdom. Tool MAKING is said to be primate-specific (we ignore corvids in this scenario.) note that this isn’t hominid-specific, though. Tool MAKING is not a function of bipedalism; it’s a function of having your hands free. These are two very different things. Now, it’s certainly true that tool MAKING – in the form of shaped bones, flints and stones – postdates bipedalism in the fossil record, but we must note
1. A shaped blade of grass or a shaped branch counts as a tool, and does not reliably fossilise;
2. Behaviour is notoriously bad at fossilising;
3. Scientists must acknowledge the biases of the fossil record in geology and paleontology, so don’t think that anthropologists are going to be allowed to get away with it.So tool-making, like bipedalism, is something that popped up occasionally in our lineage and is still practiced by our living relatives. It became fixed in our lineage, and is distinctive to hominids, but it was not dropped on us by the Hand of God. Very very few things are.
We also note that birds are bipedal, and are something of the original biped. We are kind of hipsters in that sense. (BEHOLD! THE MAN!)
But, you see, birds generally don’t have HANDS.
When you’re looking at something like bipedalism and asking yourself “what does this say about humans?” Then look at other animals, and see what they’re doing. And then come at it from a different angle. sometimes the answer isn’t the feet. Sometimes it’s the hands.
This is fascinating, but I’ve gotta admit that my major takeaway from it is that humans have bipedalism ultimately because it was adaptive for tree-dwelling proto-hominids to be able to pick stuff up and run off with it, presumably whooping like Dr. Zoidberg all the while.
i’m so glad persistence hunting came up. because that, to me, is the really interesting synergy between big brains and bipedalism.
carrying tools is nbd, modern chimps make and stash some wacky shit and have been known to wear a favorite termite stick behind their ear to keep it. a clever tool guy is going to find a way to do the clever tool thing no matter how comfortable it is for him to stand up.
but you combine that big brain with the slow but efficient swing gait of a walking human, and what you get is a predator who can mosey ominously after you until you just drop dead.
there is literally no animal on earth that can out-stubborn a human. and even a pretty average human with no special training can walk hours without dipping into their long-term energy reserves or experiencing significant fatigue. an experienced hunting team in peak health? they’ll go a week. nothing can survive that. hell, i recall myself as a 12-year-old kid, just some suburban rando who played a few team sports, and my dad the office worker with the weekend martial arts habit, easily separating, directing, and following a full-grown buck across maybe 20 miles of boreal forest, deliberately passing up several good opportunities for kill shots in favor of herding it closer to where we left the car. that wasn’t the heroic effort of a whole tribe, that was a fun weekend for a couple joes with one decent bow between them. for early humans, organizing a perfect hunt was no doubt as fun and interesting as sports are to us now, and more invigorating than exhausting.
a hunting wolf, on the other hand, will drop a chase after a mile or so. just. welp. nevermind.
one mile.
so whichever evolved first, once you had “mosey” capability combined with “concept of day after tomorrow and where i left my stuff yesterday morning”, human survivability in every environment went through the roof.
https://www.tumblr.com/audio_file/lebelinoria/161747261084/tumblr_net2smaTac1rgu4ki?plead=please-dont-download-this-or-our-lawyers-wont-let-us-host-audio
http://lebelinoria.tumblr.com/post/161747261084/audio_player_iframe/lebelinoria/tumblr_net2smaTac1rgu4ki?audio_file=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tumblr.com%2Faudio_file%2Flebelinoria%2F161747261084%2Ftumblr_net2smaTac1rgu4ki
Uptown Funk (feat. Bruno Mars) – Mark Ronson
attention college freshmen/anyone feeding themselves for the first time
this is for you
it has come to my attention that some people are not feeding themselves properly bc they don’t know how to cook/aren’t sure how to cook on a budget. bc i am everyone’s mom (or at least everyone’s wise older sister) let me drop some very real Broke Rookie Cooking Knowledge. 2 of my favorite recipes are under the cut, both of which come out to $2 OR LESS PER SERVING.
-MAKE a MENU. pick out like 5 things you know how to make and buy JUST WHAT YOU NEED FOR THOSE THINGS. and also a few snacks, but otherwise, JUST THAT. don’t just buy some random-ass groceries you think you’ll need. (also, if you don’t know how to make 5 things, seriously just google simple dinner recipes. i used a “mississippi heirloom cookbook” my aunt gave me and got a ton of good ones.)
-tbh i don’t even buy snacks except for a giant box of cookies that lasts me like 2 weeks at a time and an assload of apples. snacking is bad for you, and if you don’t HAVE snacks, you can’t EAT snacks. fuck snacks.
-off-brand EVERYTHING. you think you can taste a difference? you CAN’T. get shit in cans. vegetables. pasta sauce. salsa. whatthefuckever. it all comes in cans, and it’s always cheaper. i have no idea why.
-whole grain bread and brown rice/pasta are not more expensive than the regular kind, and they keep you full longer. GET THEM.
-@ my americans, Dollar Tree has literally everything. every kitchen utensil. (it’s where i got my big-ass chef’s knife, and that bitch is still sharp.) dishes/cups. snacks. drinks. literal loaves of bread. all kinds of basics, from peanut butter to sriracha to progresso soup. some even have freezer sections. all for ONE DOLLAR. go to Dollar Tree first, then go to the grocery store for whatever you couldn’t find there. i s2g it saves me so much money. (they also have tupperware, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, EVERYTHING. for one dollar.)
-produce is way cheaper than you think. get some fresh vegetables. you really will start to feel like a bag of hot garbage if you don’t eat your veggies.
-COOK in ADVANCE. i work during the day and go to school in the evenings, then i come home and work out. lemme tell you, my ass does NOT wanna cook when im done with all that. cook shit in big quantities, stock up on tupperware (dollar treeeeee), and stick it in the fridge for later. when you’re exhausted and remember you have instant dinner already made, you will want to kiss yourself.
-find some sandwiches you love. make a lot of sandwiches. (pls for the love of God dont use kraft american singles tho. deli-sliced cheese is literally right next to it, and it is NOT more expensive.)`
-FUCK organic free-range shit. you got organic free-range money? GREAT. i sure as hell don’t, and neither do most people. don’t waste your money trying to live your foodstagram #goals while you’re young and poor.
-if you qualify for SNAP/EBT, GET THAT SHIT. there are some assholes out there that will tell you not to, to leave it for the ~real~ poor people. tell them, ‘motherfucker I AM REAL POOR.’ for real though, corporations take advantage of any assistance the government gives them and they still lobby for more. you’d be a fool not to do the same.
now some cheap-ass recipes