ok we have gone for True Seals (aka earless seals or phocids) here because if i get into every tom pinniped and maybe-a-sea-lion we’ll be here for an eternity. also i am only an amateur so don’t @ me if i’ve pulled the wrong pictures, the real point here is to celebrate the beauty of these glorious earless marvels.
15. hooded seal
no idea what the fuck’s going on with this dude and wikipedia tells me it’s a weird sex thing, but you know what, we all got our preferences! i’m happy that he’s so comfortable doing his own crazy thing with his face balls, and i wish him all the best.
14. monk seal
got called into work on her day off and really wants to finish her shift so she can get the hell back to basking. she’s a lil bit grumpy on the outside but don’t hold it against her, she’s just sleepy and seals can’t have coffee like we can, they can’t hold the coffee pot in their little flipper hands. let her rest.
13. elephant seal
there is nothing more beautiful than expressing yourself and look at him yell! i love him. look at those bloodshot eyes, he’s definitely been blazing before we hung out but that’s okay because he is just having the best time and so am i. probably a good hugger.
12. ross seal
unlike ross from friends, this is a dude i would chill with! not very much is known about ross seals, apparently, but that just adds to the appeal! who doesn’t like a little mystery? suave, sophisticated, big googly eyes, a real charmer.
11. bearded seal
a lecturer on classical literature and philosophy, but the kind who often throws pens and other small items around the lecture hall in a fit of academic exuberance. excellent taste in brandy. oxbridge educated and yet surprisingly down to earth.
10. harbour seal
Attention: Seals In Your Area Looking For Friendship. aka, they live in europe! i might be able to hang out with these seals! sure, in this picture they look a little bit like the way the regulars at a small village pub look at people who are Not Local when they walk in, but it’s not really because they’re unfriendly, they’re just very settled in their ways. if you drink an appropriately strong local cider and come along to pub quiz night, they’ll eventually welcome you as one of their own and share their homemade chutneys and jams.
9. leopard seal
a singer! wiki says they spend a lot of time vocalising underwater. talent! panache! flair! will fuck you up and look good doing it, and then afterwards will write a song about how they fucked you up, and you know what? it’s gonna be a real bop
8. weddell seal
beautiful! gorgeous! a true stunner! all eyes are on her and she knows it! draw her like one of your french girls.
7. crabeater seal
A Chunky One! must be all those crabs they’re eating. curves in all the right places, e.g. everywhere, because this friend is perfect from tip to flipper. can double as replacement for a beanbag chair.
6. caspian seal
maybe the raddest name! they’re usually only around 4ft, apparently, which is pretty little for a seal and that is a-okay for me because i am pretty little for a human adult so we are a perfect buddy match. wikipedia describes them as “gregarious” and it might be my favourite way to describe a seal. look at that gregarious motherfucker up there. what a legend, what a hero.
5. largha seal
wise and venerable. like an old man with liver-spotted hands quietly fishing by the shore. you see him there every day and wonder how he doesn’t get bored doing the same thing day in day out for as long as you can remember. when you ask him this, he smiles at your youthful bluster, tells you that living is itself enough of an adventure for him without needing to seek anything more, and then he hands you a werther’s original.
4. ribbon seal
they dressed UP to be here today, y’all. love the effort, love the tux, a truly dapper chap. the file name on this when i downloaded it was “ribbon seal swag.jpg”, and it is not inaccurate. a little bit aloof: the ribbon seal apparently rarely comes to land and doesn’t form herds. relatable, but does this bode ill for our potential friendship? would not stop me trying
3. ringed seal
not a lie: one time i saw this picture and immediately started fully weeping because it is so fat and perfect.
and because i can’t choose between them, we have two winners!
Winner: baikal seal
FAT BOY ROUND BOY FAT BOY ROUND BOY FAT BOY ROUND BOY
i
love????
they’re like balloons. they’re like dirigibles. who invented this? give them a nobel prize
Winner: harp seal
HAVE YOU SEEN A HARP SEAL BABY??? LOOK AT THE BEARD. A PERFECT CHILD, A SMALL FLUFFY SON WHOM I WILL PROTECT WITH MY LIFE. THEY LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS AND MAKE YELLING SOUNDS. THE SEAL WHICH MOST RESEMBLES LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA. A TRUE SEAL AND A TRUE GIFT TO THE WORLD
just moving along like everyone else 