how to fight second hand embarrassment

some-triangles:

Secondhand embarrassment stems from self-hatred – you’ve been punished or have punished yourself for behaviors the other person is exhibiting, and you have to a greater or lesser extent accepted that that punishment was correct and deserved.  This means that other people deserve the same kind of corrective action and it bothers you when it’s not enforced.

Fighting secondhand embarrassment therefore involves interrogating your own past.   What did you do that this person is reminding you of?  What happened to you as a result?  Did you actually deserve it?  What motivations did the other people involved have for correcting your behavior, and were they justified in doing so?

If you are able to develop empathy for your past self – an understanding that either you couldn’t have known better or that the correction you got from others was disproportionate or entirely unnecessary – you will be better able to direct that empathy at others.   The root of all shame is your own shame and the root of all sympathy is the ability to forgive yourself.