“EPITHETS!” yelled the short, grumpy, red-eyed cancer.

rachelhaimowitz:

lqtraintracks:

chibitoaster:

loki-on-mjolnir:

feministcrixus:

leupagus:

jumpingjacktrash:

the lesson for today, class, is when to use epithets rather than names or pronouns — and when not to.

USE EPITHETS:

– when the character’s name is unknown, so there’s really no other way to refer to them:

Two goons in suits blocked my way. “You ain’t going nowhere,” said the ugly mook. The even-uglier mook just grinned.

– to draw attention to the role or function described:

Bill was so excited to meet Obama, he was a little worried he’d end up remembering today as the day he threw up on the president.

– as in-character commentary to flesh out the POV’s voice:

You stand back and nudge the door open with your toe in case of falling buckets, but it seems the windy dipshit has given up on that particular tired prank.

(NOTE: use this last one SPARINGLY. consider your own internal monologue. how often do you think of people by anything but their names? too much of this trick breaks immersion.)

DO NOT USE EPITHETS:

– to avoid using pronouns.

– to avoid using names.

– to remind the reader of physical characteristics you should’ve described elsewhere.

– to remind the reader of physical characteristics they already know perfectly well because they wouldn’t even be reading your damn fanfic if they weren’t familiar with canon, come ON people.

– to try to sound erudite or poetic.

– for any other stupid reason. i’m serious. i will come over there and hit you.

– i’m not kidding.

– fucking stop.

Yes. READ THIS PEOPLE.

^^^^^^

It bears repeating, fic writers: if you’re thinking about using an epithet because you fear you’re being repetitive, YOU ARE NOT. Trust me.

i hate epithets so much that i wrote this

Everyone would much rather read “Draco” or “Steve” than “the tall blond” or “his blond lover”.

This forever! This forever and ever! Using epithets in the above fashion is an instant back button for me personally. Please never ever write ‘the blonde’ or ‘the blond man’ I beg of you! 

Okay so I really love this one because the OP begins with times when epithets are actually useful, instead of just universally panning them. And the thing is, they can be tremendously effective. Just … probably not the way most folks use them ;-p