nhl teams as john mulaney quotes

csheary:

habs: theyre a group of french assholes slowly taking over america humiliating audience members one by one
‘

yotes: 🎵and life is a fucking nightmare🎵

vgk: i’m new in town and it gets worse

canes: you could pour soup in my lap and i’ll probably apologise to you!

ducks: too old to be a duckling quack quack

blues: 

They’re like ‘does that work?’ I’m like ‘it didn’t NOT work.’

leafs: eighth graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.

kings:  it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them.

devs: i was just a young motown singer. i was just shiny and dumb and easy to trick. 

sens: I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here.

pens: you have the moral back bone of a chocolate eclair

oilers: hm gross. mop it up.

flyers: im really sorry about last night, it’s just that im mean and loud. it probably will happen again

preds:  He grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground, and yelled “SCATTER!”

caps: something happened here. you hope it was a miracle. probably not.

bruins: Would like an old turnip that we found in a cabinet?

avs: You ever have those days where something happens and you’re like… Whatever, this may as well happen?

stars: *mooing angrily*

isles: 28-year-old healthy man trying his best

sabres: With three children and nine on the way, and a max budget of $7…

sharks: one dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half

bolts: and i thought ‘i’ve never climbed a fence that high before!’ and a woke up at home

wild:  cause you’re never too young to learn our national no snitching policy

rangers: its a grid system mother fucker!

cbj: she is so fucked up she calls the head the top part

canucks: we were a swell bunch of kids in group 2

jets: fuck. da. police.

wings: don’t get me wrong, i’m unhappy,

panthers: somoene took a shit on my dad’s computer

flames:  I have had a very long day. I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.