sashayed:

sashayed:

sashayed:

Hello #hockey fans. I have learned a lot about your sport since I became a serious fan 1 week ago, and now I feel ready – since the #playoffs are upon us – to provide my fellow #newbies with a guide to the teams involved!!!! Here without further ado, Rave Sashayed’s Super Accurate Guide to the Stanley Cup Playoff Matchups. Pick your favorite!!

• Toronto Maple Leafs: Two dozen interchangeable blond teens named “Match Marstonder.”
• Washington Capitals: One big yelling man (Russian) for scoring, one big yelling man (Canadian) for punching, one handsome yelling man (also Canadian) for making the other team’s goals not happen, and several others (Swedish ???) for yelling. They are all each other’s moms and they are my favorite.
• WINNER: The power of narrative is generally on the side of The Big-Hearted Band of Misfit Teens, but also every 2016-17 indicator suggests that the Bad Guys Will Always Win, so the CAPS, probably.
• Pittsburgh Penguins: A talented robot engages in bizarre rituals to help him lead an erratic parade of banged-up nice boys. One of them is a very beautiful French Canadian, but you will not see him in the playoffs because he got extra banged up :(, but you might see him in a suit in the audience SO who are the real winners here? Us, that’s who. On the other hand, this team made me want to sex this person, so maybe I specifically am not a winner.
• Columbus Blue Jackets: The Columbus Blue Jackets could shut out every game they ever played and people would still be like “look at these scrappy little underdogs go!” I think this is because “Blue Jackets” is a very cute name for a team, like what your 4-year-old nephew would nickname a team that had a real, normal name.
• WINNER: The Rust Belt
• New York Rangers: Speaking of names, every Rangers player’s name was created by a Captcha generator, which is why we all have to pretend that “Ty Ronning” and “Jesper Fast” are regular things to call human beings. Spry 74-year-old Henrik Lundqvist leads this team, wearing a suit.
• Montreal Canadiens: The Canadiens are also called “The Habs,” which is short for “Les Haberdashers,” because of their distinctive homemade fur hats. Carey Price, the only goalie permitted to ride a horse onto the ice nightly, has never said a single word aloud and communicates by glaring. These people traded PK Subban and then tried to be like “ohhhh we’re still friends” but I will never forgive them.
• WINNER: Carey Price Has Done Nothing Wrong Ever In His Life
• Boston Bruins: These dudes make me nervous. At any moment I feel they could travel to Toronto and shove all the Maple Leafs into lockers.
• Ottawa Senators: INEXPLICABLY not called the Ottawa Otters??? ???? ????? ??????????? what the fuck
• WINNER: SenOtters
• Nashville Predators: PK IS HERE!!! PK IS SPEAKING!!! EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!!!! PK Subban chooses his game day Löoks based on “a show I used to watch, Boardwalk Empire.” The Predators are my favorite team that I don’t care about.
• Chicago Blackhawks: No offense, but gross.
• WINNER: PREDATORS
• Minnesota Wild: Lumberjack strippers.
• St. Louis Blues: I have never heard of these people.
• WINNER: There are no winners here.
• Calgary Flames: These guys are precious. One of them is named “Johnny Hockey.” One of them charmed me via Bananaphone. I’m a huge Calgary Flames fan, probably.
• Anaheim Ducks: Once before I knew anything about hockey I was at trivia & there was a question about who played the Kings at Dodgers Stadium and someone was like “Ugh whatever, just put ‘The Mighty Ducks.’” This was the correct answer and we were all thrilled and surprised to discover they are a real team. (We did not win the trivia night.) 
• WINNER: FLAMES, but maybe all of us if these two let a dog do the puck drop again.
• San Jose Sharks: The Sharks have a CAT MASCOT based on a CAT who RAN ONTO THE ICE and was ADOPTED by one of the PLAYERS! The Sharks are my sweet and special boys for this reason and no other.
• Edmonton Oilers: Is “Oilers” is the grossest possible name a sports team could have without being openly racist? Probably, and even if it isn’t, I hate it.
• WINNER: SHARKS

People keep asking me why “Oilers” is a gross name, and like, what about it is NOT gross?? “What does your team do?” “Oh…..they’re oilers. They like, ahhh, oiling. Just oiling. They’re some oily….oily boys.”

I am delighted to learn about the greatest fan-team hockey interaction of all time, which apparently involved the St. Louis Blues, so now I’m rooting for them but I still forgot they were a team immediately after reading that post. They are called “Tony X and the Sweatshirts” as far as I’m concerned. I love Tony X and the Sweatshirts.