but what if,,, what if humans aren’t the only Hold My Beer species.
We are one of two.
The Adt’harra people look kind of like a cross between a bat and an elf. Big ole radar dish ears, slender bipedal bodies, all that. Their planet is heavily forested with gargantuan mangrove swamps, and they lurk under the roots to hunt fish and birds. More importantly, they lurk under the roots to prank the shit out of any and all intergalactic visitors.
The Adt’harran love of pranks was at first a non-starter for joining the Intergalactic Alliance, but then they realized that these creatures were absolute geniuses for rigging complex mechanics in a matter of minutes, and also were simply too enthusiastic to refuse.
At around the same time, the Human people were discovered. They were rather flimsy compared to many other members of the Alliance, but further interaction proved them to be loyal crewmembers willing and able to risk life and limb for their cause and teammates. Further interaction also proved them to be reckless bastards who think it’s great fun to glue six warp cores together and try to poke a tunnel through a sun.
It was very quickly decided by the high-ups that Humans and Adt’harrans should never be allowed to interact, they would surely blow up at least three ships and cause a half dozen interplanetary incidents with their scheming.
When the Humans and Adt’harrans eventually meet anyway because neither species is really into ‘rules’, they are fast friends and the collective universe tears its hair out.
i know this post is a true vision of the future because i am a human and i can’t wait to meet the adt’harrans and go full mythbusters on the galaxy
holy shit i need this
Full Mythbusters on the galaxy god bless
I do so love when my own post crosses my dash
Convergent evolution yo. Humans and Adt’harrans both exploit the “tool-using omnivore that lives in/around trees” niche, which naturally lends itself to “yeah sure I’ll try anything just to see if it works/if it doesn’t poison me”.
Okay, so what if the first meeting were to go like:
A ship with humans as part of the crew gets stranded when their prime flux stabiliser goes offline. Captain Zizi, a Zilla, follows protocol and sends out a distress beacon.
The only ships near enough to respond before the air supply runs out are the ship of Captain Untung, a Dono, and the ship of Captain Lolowap, an Adt’harran.
Captain Lolowap: “We’re picking up a distress beacon. We’re going in.”
Captain Untung: “Wait! Uh, we got that beacon too! We’ll get it!”
Captain Lolowap: “…what? Our ship is faster, they said it was urgent, what’s the problem?”
Captain Untung: “Uhhhh I don’t know if you got the manifest, but that’s a ship largely crewed by humans and uh… we don’t think you guys will be compatible.”
Captain Lolowap: “… Are you attempting humour again? I’m so proud of you, but really, not the time. They need help as of 5 hours ago, we’re going in, humans or no humans,
everyone is compatible with living longer and not dying in the vacuum of space, I’m sure we’ll get on just fine. Lolowap out.”
Captain Untung: “…but that’s what we’re afraid of… No, Lolowap! I’m serious!”
Captain Lolowap: “Bzzt can’t understand you you’re breaking up, going too fast for the signal bzzt.”
Captain Untung: “You are literally just saying ‘bzzt’ there is no signal breakage GET BACK HERE LOLOWAP! LOLOWAP!? ….Kruk, she hung up. I cannot believe this. She hung up on me. I will not be held responsible for this. I will not, you hear me!?”
But by the time the
Adt’harran ship gets to Captain Zilla’s ship, it turns out that the humans have managed to jury-rig a solution that is letting the ship limp through space. It’s not that the help from Captain Lolowap’s ship isn’t appreciated, it’s just that even if it hadn’t been coming, they probably would have survived.
Captain Lolowap: “…Engineer Yolozat, what am I looking at?”
Engineer Yolozat: “I couldn’t have done it better myself Captain! I’ve never seen anything like this before! They hitched the D.W. to the DuH1k-E with a hair decoration and managed to bypass the faulty connection!”
Engineer Jacinta: “Oh uh, it’s nothing,I saw something like it in an old vid once and I thought it might work here. And well, I’ve always got a bunch of bobby-pins, and they’re made out of metal, so I figured it might do in a pinch.”
Engineer Yolozat: “…Captain, permission to poach this human for our crew.”
Engineer Jacinta: “…What? I wasn’t even the one who got it to work, that was Casey.”
Engineer Yolozat: “…There are more of you?”
Engineer Jacinta: “Yes? Though Casey got locked in the brig for being ‘reckless’ again. I mean, I don’t see the big deal, they didn’t blow us up, and we would have managed to get at least as far as Lira 5 with the rig.”
Engineer Yolozat: “I’ve changed my mind. Captain, permission to poach all the humans for our crew.”
Captain Lolowap: “Granted.”
Engineer Jacinta: “…what?”
And that was the time the humans got adopted by the Adt’harrans and everyone else was terrified.
Just imagine.
So we’ve been our normal, weird space-orc little selves. Trying our best to behave, when appropriate, while also living like we wanted. Most of the rest of the species had grown pretty boring for one reason or another. Then we met the Adt’harrans and had one heck of a party.
Published
just moving along like everyone else 