Tango headcanon:

violacakes:

wheeloffortune-design:

imashippingtrash:

Sometimes everyone is chilling in the Haus living room, watching the TV or something and Tango drops an existential question like it’s nothing but everybody is having a sudden existential crisis

“…Johnson said we’re in a story… but if it’s true, who’s the main character?”

Whiskey thinks Tango is the main character, because Tango is the only person he ever wants to talk to on this team.

Ransom and Holster are both secretly terrified that it’s one of them, which means the OTHER one is the best friend/comic relief character. But which way around?

Shitty thinks it’s Jack, because come on. He’s Jack Fucking Zimmermann. (Or Lardo, possibly it’s Lardo, because Lardo is perfect)

Nursey keeps saying it’s Dex, but mostly to rile him up. Really he thinks it’s Chowder.

Chowder is totally writing fanfic about this already and he’s firmly in Lardo’s camp, because Lardo is the most interesting person he knows. He ships Lardo with both Shitty and Camilla and he’s not 100% sure how that’s going to work but it’s going to be EPIC.

Dex secretly thinks it’s Nursey but says out loud that it’s Tango, because that should throw people off the scent, what scent, nothing to see here.

Bitty refuses to comment on the topic, as he finds it confronting and alarming. He has baked thirteen pies since the question was raised. “If you want to do anything useful, Tango, get me some more butter, honey!”

March thinks it’s June. You know, June, on the volleyball team? You’ve all met her. She was dating Holster last year. She’s Camilla Collins’ best friend. She’s going to be Farmer’s bridesmaid. JUNE. Obviously the story isn’t going to be about the fucking male hockey team, they are background colour for the real story. June has a prosthetic leg and she’s the best scorer in the women’s volleyball league, and she’s totally going to become a brain surgeon. June’s got it going on.

Farmer agrees with March.

Lardo & Jack eye each other across the room. “It’s Bitty, bro,” says Lardo.

Jack explodes. “It’s totally Bitty, thank you. How is this not obvious to everyone?”

“I dunno dude, you have angsty handsome love interest written all over you, so obvs Bitty has to be the protagonist.”

Tango’s next question: “Why is Mr Jack all red in the face, Lardo?”

“The truth hurts, kid.”

Somewhere on the Appalachian Trail, Johnson raises his head and sniffs the air. “I love the smell of meta in the morning. Tango, you are my worthy successor. I salute you, bro.”